Sounds like transitional issues and attention issues. Doesnt sound like "games" at all. Why does he need to sit in another room? Can you try to engage him in helping? Want to help pick out a shirt? Can you guess what step is next?

Also escalating becuase he isn't getting his way is perfectly normal as well. Have you tried a reward or sticker chart? Do you praise when he gets through a step of getting ready? Does he have a checklist of what he needs to do? Do they go to the same day care?

How much one on one time does he get with dad? How much with you? Also, kids are pretty intuitive, you don't need to tell him something for him to know something is going on. He can sense something is different, he may just not know exactly.

@laniejay they both continuously get 1:1 time with each of us, helps cook dinner, try and get him to help clean. He refuses to pick out clothes, let alone get ready. He won't even brush his teeth. His mom plays the he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to, don't make him go anywhere he doesn't want too, etc. Both of our boys go to the same daycare, and usually my SO picks his son up before I get mine so there is 1:1 time. We've tried positive reinforcement. He doesn't care. He laughs everything off, then will act up. You can tell him no to something and he'll give you a grin and instantly do it.

We hit sitting him in another room because he will scream at you, get up and hit you, spit at you, and more. We try to first sit with him and talk, but then the actions continue. We've even given hugs afterwards and have told him he's loved, but his acts still continue. Even if myself and my son aren't around, my SO is still having the same problems. He ended up having to go back to his moms a day early because he started to get more abusive and then he wanted to talk to mom. My SO let him, then he began to act out even worse, then he talked to his mom again and said he wanted to go back to her house. We've dealt with him getting out of her car and hear him say "so dad's mean?" "So ambers mean?" And we've had issues of her convincing him that daddy does inappropriate things.

We've followed what his child psychologist recommended for acting out to get worse each and every day.

He tells us how he feels, fully. We always try and piece together what he wants or needs. And more. We've been told by my SO's counselor that we've been doing EVERYTHING right and he doesn't even understand why we are having such major problems. He is more abusive than any toddler I have been around. Mind you, I worked in a nursery, my mother and I have babysat kids of all ages, and I have friends who do no form of discipline to their children. None of which have ever done what he has.

@ejwsmomma120215 I'd say keep working with his therapist and push for developmental assessments. In the mean time read a book called Your Highly spirited child. (I'll try to find the link). Whether they're just spirited becuase of who they are, or spirited due to an underlying issue (mine is spirited and also has ADHD) it gives great insight and tips. It sounds like he definitely has transitional issues that mom is not helping with, and perhaps something underlying. Keep using positive reinforcement and reminders. Gentle hands, kind touches. When he's having troubles remember: he's not giving you a hard time, he's having a hard time. I tell my kiddos: I see that you are having a hard time right now, what do you need from me- I am here for you. It helps alot

@ladyfreyja I understand the transition being a problem, but he's gone back and forth for 2 and a half years now. I just wish we'd see more positive of an outcome from him than what there has been. I've done everything in my power that I possibly can, with no positive outcome. I wish I had a say in which therapist he went too, and how often to try and get him more help, but it sucks that I have no say in some forms of care for him. I wish his mom would stick with the same routines as here to make everything easier, but I fear what she says to him about myself or my SO. We already know some things, but who knows what else is said. We've learned he doesn't handle ANYTHING new at all. I cleaned the living room the one day, and rearranged how the boys toys were put away (made the playroom half a lot more open for them) and he had a complete break down. We put a shelf in the bathroom for towels since we had no where for towels, and even that was a mess.

When he first started going to daycare he never had problems going until about a week and a half ago. He'll try telling us their mean to him, when my son's been going their longer and we've never had problems. He recently started always telling me I'm mean (mainly when I've made him do something simple like brush his teeth). That's why I've stated I fear what his mom has been saying or encouraging him to do.

@ejwsmomma120215 wow. I'm so sorry this is happening. I'm pretty much in the same boat. We had to take him out of preschool because of the way he is. He started pushing other kids and stuff. And yes it suck when other people who are watching him don't have the same routine. My son also freaks sometimes if we move his stuff around.

@ejwsmomma120215, it’s probably gotten harder with age because they are lot more aware of things as they get older. This is a hard age in general so adding behavior issues makes it even harder.

The playroom thing and towels sounds like a sensory problem. Something minuscule to you could be huge for him.

@lovemyguys

He used to go to a child psychiatrist and she constantly told my SO and his ex that "it's from the back and forth. Kids will act out" he said he wants to call her and see other disciplinary actions to try, but I think they need to find someone new. I've brought up there could be add, adhd, bipolar, any type of imbalance, and he did not like hearing that.

@ejwsmomma120215, yeah it’s a hard thing to face. I think it might be worth getting a second opinion. Or having him flat out tested for add or adhd. From what I’ve read about bipolar it usually shows up later on in life ( not putting it out of the realm of possibly). That is if you’re SO would be open to it. It will be easier to deal with whatever is going on now while he’s younger than letting it get worse ( not saying you aren’t ) just so you have tools and can get into the practice of doing what works. My niece is pretty high strung she laughs when they try to spank her so they pinch her because she doesn’t like that. ( just a thought)

I just know my husband was abused by his brother his whole childhood and his parents did nothing. Just said he was being a boy or that’s what brothers do. It really has affected him and I wouldn’t want that for anyone else. You have to protect everyone in the house including you’re SO son. Sorry you’re going through this. If you ever need an ear I’m always here ❤️

@ejwsmomma120215, maybe you should try seeking professional help, because you have tried everything it seems like and nothing is working. It could be something he can’t control? Or like she said adhd

@mylitasilva I'm hoping it's something I can talk my SO into. I've brought it up to him before, and explained how he's showing signs of possible add, adhd, or bipolar. He just listens to what the child psychologist said that his son used to go to. That it's just the back and forth. It's to the point I'm not agreeing that's what it is.

@ejwsmomma120215 at 4 years old his brain is not developed enough to manipulate into playing games like that. Reading up on childhood development would be helpful for you to see why, where their development is at, what is intentional and what is phases of growth and development.

@modom16 if you'd read some other comments. We have sat down and talked to him, we've done positive reinforcement, quiet time, etc. Nothing phases him. He will just continue to act out. Everyday has gotten worse, and it's gotten to the point I fear for my own child's safety, and the babies. No matter how patient or calm I am. How I approach the situation, how much 1 on 1 time we do, how much positive reinforcement, explaining, talking we do, he continues. My SO's counselor even said we've done everything right and he does not change. Any physical discipline has always been last resort. We usually try and sit and talk or sit and have quiet time. He goes right back to what he was already doing. But worse. He hits my son for no apparent reason, he spit at me over brushing his teeth today. He hit me because I wouldn't give him his way of going to daddy's work, or not taking him to daycare. I will sit there and explain a million times that daddy is working but he'll get you after work. Or you have to daycare so me and daddy can both work. You'll have fun playing and doing crafts. If he does not get his way he becomes abusive. We've tried my SO calling and talking to him in the morning. We've tried taking him to see daddy in the morning. My SO ALWAYS makes sure he gives him a hug and kiss before he leaves. This morning his son even came over and curled up in bed with me after he left. He still instantly started acting out. I tried having my son go downstairs to play while I talked with him. He'd say ok. And instantly start everything over again. That's why I finally hit the point he had to go sit in the room himself because I still had to take care of myself yet this morning, and my son. Plus I was about to have a breakdown because I could NOT handle anymore of being hit and spit on.

@ejwsmomma120215, ok I read your other comments. I know you said you don’t think it’s just from the back and forth but I bet that does play a huge part in his behavior. It’s so confusing for kids that age, especially when both sides handle situations differently. If he’s almost 4 he should be having a checkup soon. Who takes him to that? I think all of this should definitely be brought up and possibly seeing a specialist about his behavior. I know you say you’ve tried everything but that doesn’t mean give up on the talking it out, positive reinforcement etc. It can still really help the situation, like I said it’s not going to correct overnight.

@modom16 his mom takes him to all his appts. She throws a fit if we even take him to the ER or urgent care for something. She allows him to suffer with ear infections for over a month until she chooses to take him to he treated.

I've still kept up the positive reinforcement and talking, but I've had to take him to his room to be alone after talking because he'll escalate the problem we just discussed. None of it affects him, and it's everything we've done from the start. This has been a 3 and a half year problem that just continues on getting worse. We've tried slowly incorporating changes and everything. We've tried letting him know if he's good we'll go do something fun that he wants to do, we'll go get a donut, or treats. We constantly give hugs and say we love him. But he'll instantly turn and say he hates me, hates me son, etc. Yesterday my SO had to fully take over because I'm beginning to get frustrated and overwhelmed. All the fear of how he'll be in May hits me. Seeing how the situations are affecting my son is killing me. And I've been completely lost. I've tried explaining to my SO we all need to sit and talk with his ex because it's getting to out of hand and more needs done, but if a doctor or psychologist doesn't say what she wants to hear, he's out of that area.