Hello...my names Sadi, and It's been along time for me to be able to hold my breath and tell my story...

Mostly I suppose I'm ashamed. I blame myself everyday, wondering, wishing desperately there was something I could have done for my son.

I was elated and terrified when I found out I was pregnant On my birthday no less! I always had been told of never have children, so shock was beyond an understatement. Ever since I was a little girl I prayed to be a mother. I wanted to raise a beautiful baby and create such love from someone who I was meant to be with.

My time came, and my fiancé was overjoyed and we were on cloud nine. I went to all my appointments and was so giddy to see a little peanut rolling around in my tummy so amazed that it was really there. I heard the heartbeat and I couldn't believe how much love I had for a little human I'd never even met yet.

At about 14 weeks I awoke covered in blood and I was taken to an emergency ultrasound showing my tear drenched face that everything was okay, my baby was bouncing around in my tummy just like before. I was overjoyed. A hemotoma that I had battled from the very beginning was finally going away....or so I thought.

Around 4am I awake to intense sharp pains that doubled me over onto the floor. I could barely breath and I was horrified something terrible was wrong. I got a huge urge to vomit and after stumbling into the bathroom found bright red blood spilled all over the floor like a huge bag had popped from deep inside me.

All at once more and more bloody water gushed out and I was helpless on the ground trying to reassure myself that I was going to be okay and my baby was fine just like the ultrasound and dr had told me just weeks before.

17 weeks.

That's how long I was able to carry my beautiful baby.

I was rushed to the emergency room where after hours of horrified crying and no one telling me anything, but that my baby was alive, a stone faced woman entered my room and said the words that ended my heart. "Your water has broke and an infection has set in. There's nothing we can do to sustain this pregnancy. You can be put to sleep and we will remove the fetus, it we can induce you to say your goodbyes...."

After nearly 8 hours of non stop crying and questioning I completely lost all sense of anything. I stared up at the wall, a white wall with a cloud drawn into the light fixture. I remember at that moment I could think "that is where my baby will be...not in my arms. Not with me. Gone. Into the clouds."

My fiancé looked held me tighter than he's ever held me. My mothers beautiful eyes turned such a sad green clouding her beauty and only making me realize that much more what was about to happen to me.

I couldn't speak. I just couldn't. Everyone stared at me, waiting for an answer that I would give. My mom didn't want me to be in pain. I could see her mentally wishing it was her and not me. My fiancé, gently repeated the questions the Drs wanted to know and I just couldn't answer or speak at all. I kept staring at those clouds.

"I need to pee" it was the stupidest and yet only thing that escaped my mouth. After shuffling around my mother helped me to the bathroom and I remember that I held onto her so close and cried some more. I asked what I had done to deserve being asked to kill my child or watch him die. My mother just held me, trying to keep her tears away.

After getting back to the bed I whispered to my fiancé what he wanted us to do. This wasn't just me losing our baby. I could see his heart feel just as heavy as my own. He of course told me to do whatever I wanted, and at that moment I felt a little kick in my abdomen. I knew that my little one saying he wanted to see my face and be held in my arms before he went into those clouds I stared at for so long.

After telling the dr my decision, I was put into a room that at least made me feel less scrutinized by all the on goers. It was quiet and closed off. My fiancé was right by my side and didn't leave my site nor did my mom.

It's funny the labor process was welcomed even though it was painful. I knew each pain I felt was another minute my son was alive. They did an ultrasound where they confirmed my suspicions all along that my little angel was a bouncing baby boy. I had asked my fiancé if I could just sit in the bathtub as it was my place of sanctuary ever since I was a little girl.

He led me into it and I told him I wanted to name our son Elijah Benor. It wasn't a name we had picked out or even thought of. It just was what our angel needed to be named.

After 37 hours of labor and constant pain and reminders, I gave birth to our 1.9 units baby boy and I held him for a single minute before I watched the light fade away from his pink squishy body....his heart was so fragile it really did look like a light fading away into blackness.

I kept our son for 3 days. I couldn't let him go. I just couldn't. I felt like as soon as they took him away he would really be gone...well after awhile he felt so cold, nothing I could do warmed him, and I could see he was deteriorating so fast in front of me.

Finally the day came when I told my fiancé he needed to be taken away to be the beautiful angel he was.

I don't know what was hardest...watching my son be taken away from me.....or getting his ashes back from the funeral home in a box<\3 I have never cried so hard for both times.

I love my son. I miss him everyday. Not a day goes by where I don't wonder how big he's be, what his hair, eyes, nose, mouth all would have looked like. What his first word would be, if he'd remind me of myself or my fiancé..it just was never going to be the same.

He would almost a year old now. And that hurts my heart to the core. I'm sorry if anyone is upset about my post, It's just been so long that I needed to tell my story. For me and for Elijah's spirit to live on.