My heart is incredibly heavy today and I'm in tears as I write this. I don't know if last night or this morning should be counted as the worst day of my life. I got a call from my hysterical mom last night around 11:30. From what I could understand through the sobbing was, my dad was in the hospital and they wouldn't let her see him. I race to her house, a LONG 45 minutes away to find SEVERAL police cars in her driveway, crime scene tape everywhere and people in paper booties and gloves walking in and out of the house. I run into the house yelling for my mom when I find her, my sister and my nieces laying on the floor in a huddle sobbing. I finally get a policeman to tell me where my dad is, call the hospital, gave my dad's name and was immediately put on hold. A man picked up the phone and said this is Chaplain something or the other and I just KNEW why they put this man on the phone....my dad was dead. DEAD you guys, my dad is GONE, not EVER coming back, not ever gonna call me his sweet baby girl ever again, GONE! I am BEYOND HEARTBROKEN. I am the oldest so am trying to stay strong and make the phone calls that need to be made, handle the things that my mom just simply CAN'T and this is the HARDEST thing I've EVER had to do! WHAT are we gonna do without him?!?! NO ONE can answer that for me! The worst part is he chose to leave this way, my dad committed suicide. My happy go lucky, top of the world, man's man dad committed suicide. If he had EVER linked his moods with his alcohol use this NEVER would have happened, EVER! He NEVER would have done this to my mom! They've been together LITERALLY 24/7 for the last 25 years. They work together, live together, play together.... EVERYTHING. My mom is going to be SO lost! Sorry if I'm rambling...I might be a tad delusional. I haven't slept but an hour or so since the night before last and I'm kinda scared to. I saw some things I can't unsee last night. Did you know when the crime scene people leave, the family is left with the mess to deal with themselves?? My sister couldn't deal so her job was to get mom out of the house, which took me, her and my husband to do and I was left with clean up. I have NO words...just nothing to describe what that was like. I wish that on NO ONE. I miss him already, my heart hurts and at the same time I want to yell at him, tell him how stupid he is, punch him and be MAD as hell but I just can't do anything but cry. Please keep our family in your thoughts. These next few weeks after going to test our strength as a family. This is a pic of him walking me down the aisle. He was SO proud, honored and emotional this day. When he came in my dressing room to get me he stopped dead in his tracks, began to cry and said oh sweet baby girl... you are SO beautiful, you look just like your mama the day I married her and I CAN'T BELIEVE you'd honor me with walking beside you to take you to the beginning of your new life, NOTHING has made me happier he said. That's the kind of man my dad was and I will NEVER fill the hole he has left in my heart.
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Thank you so much sweet girl! The thoughts and kind words help immensely right now.
Honey, I am so sorry. In December of 2008 my mother chose suicide as well. It was violent and crazy and in a foreign country and in the media. It was literally the worst experience of my life. The holidays are always tougher on me than most, but I can say with certainty that time makes caring for that wound manageable. I can’t say I exactly know what you’re going through but I have a pretty good idea.
I’m sending my deepest sympathy, prayers and positive vibes. Please PM me if you need to. I might take a nap but I’ll get back to you...
@fairykarmamomma,Thank you SO much for your kind words and thoughts for me and my family mama. We are taking and WELCOMING support ANY way it's coming. I have NEVER, in all my life, been through something more difficult. Every morning since this happened I have those SWEET like 5 seconds of ignorance where everything is normal and ok but then I wake all the way up and realize that NOTHING will ever be normal and I'm crying again. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do without him! Or what I'm supposed to be doing for my mom, she's SO lost right now. It's been just AWFUL. She's either sobbing hysterically and uncontrollably or just sitting in complete silence, staring. Like so still, that I've put my hand on her back a few times to make sure she was breathing. We are all just...just.....I don't even have a word for it. Just know your words mean so much to me, a complete stranger, going through a very difficult time. Thank you so much, truly.
Prayers for you and your family hun. I'm so terribly sorry about your loss.
❤
I am so sorry for your loss!
Reading this made me have the chills.
Please stay strong!
My cousin passed away 3 months ago and it hurt so much....I can’t imagine how much it hurts to loose a parent.
Prayers to you and your family!
I am so incredibly sorry for your family’s loss. It’s okay to feel the anger along with the despair. It will probably continue to be a jumble of emotions. I will certainly keep you and your family in my prayers. 🙏
My deepest condolences to you and your family during this truly unfortunate time.
Lord Jesus Bless🙏❤
im so sorry to hear about this. i literally started crying when i read this. you and your family will be in my prayers. i have spoken with you a few times and i know that you are a sweet and caring individual and i pray that god gives you inner peace. im so sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers!
I am sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers
I am so incredibly sorry that you and your family have had this happen, I am so sorry for the loss of your father 😔 I wish you peace and strength during this difficult time ❤️
I’m so very sorry! Your family is in my prayers. I pray for comfort, understanding and forgiveness. The strength to get through this trying time. ♥️ I’m sorry.
@leonardsquared I'm so sorry for your loss! If you need someone to talk to I'm here although I haven't lost my father I have lost 2 of my brothers in the same year! I know it's hard to stay strong & i was in a similar situation where i had to stay strong for my mom & to help make plans! Your in my prayers!! ♡
PLEASE EVERYONE take the time to call that person that you just haven't had the time to. You know that person that you love, need in your life but just assume will always be there for you to call. The one that you say "Ah, I gotta remember to call him/her tomorrow" then a week goes by and you're havin the same conversation with yourself. I spoke with my father regularly but now that he's gone it seems like it wasn't enough. PLEASE take the time y'all and do it before you can't. The dishes and laundry can wait....call your mom, dad, sister, brother, grandma, cousin....that friend you've been putting off....WHOEVER that person is for you, make sure they know how important to you and in your life that they are.
I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. Sending you and your family lots of love and prayers. ❤
And if you ever need to vent, feel free to message me. I know we don’t know each other but I’ve dealt with loss/grief my whole life and understand that you just need a listening ear during this time.
Thank you SO much for your kindness and understanding mama. It's so comforting to know so many people care and are thinking about my dad right now.
First, I am SO sorry for your loss. I literally have chills after reading this because I just went through a similar situation with my aunt in January who was my only living elder. My parents and grandparents all died when I was still a kid. My aunt put a bullet in her head so I know exactly what you mean about having to see the mess that the police don’t clean up. The image of the bloody scene is burned into my memory forever and I have been plagued with horrible nightmares ever since. I am SO SO sorry you have to experience this too. You and your family are in my thoughts and my best advice for you moving forward is to find someone to talk to. All of you. Having to see that scene might leave you or other family members with ptsd and it’s horrible to cope with that while grieving the loss of your father. I think everyone who reads this is saying a prayer for you guys today. 🙏🏻
I am so sorry for your loss and for dealing with something so traumatic. Prayers for your strength and for your family through this time.
Thank you mama. I just canNOT make sense of this in my head! I keep calling his phone just to hear his voice on his voicemail and feel crazy.
I am sorry. Yall will be in my prayers i am here if you need to talk my dad committed suicide when i was 14 so i kinda know what you are going through.
Thank you all so very much. Your thoughts and kindness mean more to me right now than you could ever possibly know.
Oh my God I am so very sorry. You and your entire family is in my thoughts and prayers. When I lost my mom I felt my heart ripped out of my chest so I know the pain of a parent gone. Stay strong for your family and cry when you need to. I bottled mine up and held it all in until the very end and then I blew up. Just let it out as it comes and you will feel much better.
Hi, mama. I lost my dad a few years ago. I am so so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how confusing this all is for you and for your family. I’m so sorry, and I’ll be praying for you all.
I don’t even know what to say. 😞 I’ll pray for your strength and your family’s strength.
I am so so sorry for your loss! You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers ❤️
Oh my dear. I’m so so so sorry for your loss. I don’t have any other words but just know we are all here if you need us. So many hugs to everyone.
my best friend committed suicide in december. i honestly can’t imagine what you had to see, i was not family so i was not involved in the crime scene but the investigators gave them the information for crime scene cleanup crews and the state covered the costs. im baffled that your family wasn’t provided with the same resources. i don’t even know what to say except that im sorry.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I am crying reading this. I can’t imagine how you and your family are feeling. I will be sending lots of prayers for all of you!!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻❤️
Oh my God! I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. You and your family will be in my prayers. Huge hug.
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