Really long post but need to get this off my chest! SORRY 🤦🏻♀️
So after a long talk me and my OH have decided this is our one and only baby. I've never really told the full story of my labour as I hadn't fully come to terms with it and when I did open up about certain things people made me feel guilty.
So after a rough last month of pregnancy I had to be induced due to low fluid. I was in hospital being induced for 3 days before they could pop my waters.
I spent 11 hours on the drip with just gas and air and was so proud of myself and was having fun and enjoying my experience. The drip was on full for hours at this point. The doctors came to examine me and he told me I hadn't progressed at all. He also told me if I didn't progress within 4 hours I would be sent for an emergency C section.
At that point my heart sank. I lost all confidence and didn't even feel like a real woman. This truly broke my heart. I mean how could I when my body wasn't doing what it's naturally supposed to do?
That's when I started to feel every contraction. I gave up on myself totally and allowed them to give me the epidural. And as it continued I already knew what the outcome would be and sure enough when the time came I still hadn't progressed.
They read all the risks to me and had me sign the papers and I was taken down alone. I remember being wheeled into theatre and being put on a metal table and feeling like a slab of meat.
I remember being surrounded by loads of people I didn't know and the lights being so bright. They kept pumping the drugs into me but each time I could still feel everything. They brought my OH in and within 15 seconds they took him out.
Scared and alone they told me they didn't have a choice but to put me to sleep.
I was terrified and alone. I still remember them putting the mask over my face. I still remember not being able breath properly and starting to panic.
They had pumped so many drugs into me I don't remember first holding my baby. I don't remember the first few hours of her life.
Not only that but they couldn't wake me. For hours and hours I didn't come round. My OH was waiting outside theatre and could hear them panicking. He could hear them trying to wake me and hear them saying that I was unresponsive. He was scared of loosing me too. I also lost alot of blood and came home severely anaemic. So much so I'm still on iron tablets now.
Thats why for so long I hated my scar. Because everytime I looked at it I was reminded of how it all could of been different. It reminded me of all the trauma I went through. So please girls when something affects someone take a moment to think why. My birth completely changed me and my partner. I still get flashbacks and I'm still dealing with the trauma but I'm finally healing.
But after all we went through I'm just happy to enjoy my little girl and my family. I don't want to risk leaving them both behind and don't think I could put myself through it again...
Thank you to anyone that listened I've kept it in for so long and it's time I finally get it off my chest ❤️❤️❤️
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Warm hugs hun! Thank you for sharing!. Reminds.me.of my.own labour/birth...
After a 27 hour labour, Mayas head was turned the wrong way and had to be turned and then forceps were used... If that didnt work i wouldve needed a csection...
I was in theatre and she came out just fine with forceps...I saw her for about 5 mins before i went down hill... all i remember are the lights...nurses sticking cannulas in left right and centre...nurses pushing on my stomach trying to get my uterus to contract.....looked up and down between my.legs and could see the furrowed brow of my doctor...his arms covered to the elbow in blood...my blood...
All i wanted to.do was sleep....I could hear beeping noises... the room was filled with at least 15 people...could hear them shout for blood...hear them say my heart and temp was dropping...
The blood finally turned up and i watched the nurse squeeze the bag so that the blood moved faster through the tubes...
I didnt get to hold Maya until.5 hours later, I remember everything like it was yesterday..it didnt really effect me until a few months later.i think i was too tired and caught up in being a single parent to even think about it much.
I ended up losing 3 litres of blood. I always wanted 4/5 children. Im happy to have more children. Happy to have one with my current partner. I'm still.young..see what the future brings :) but im.honestly content with just Maya...but id like her to have a sibling...I miss the baby stage and i loved being pregnant :) xx
Aww I'm glad you got through it. Im young too but feel like we're happy with just the one and happy to spoilt her rotten 🙊 we have a lovely small 2 bed house in a beautiful area and that's enough for us xxx
@megan-leigh Yeah it still bothers me, and yeah i'm happy with just Maya :) dont mind having more though :) But id hate not to give my partner a child if he wanted one :) Honestly I want to know what its like to have a child that has a dad :) Hes great with Maya and all...but theres still that link missing...Maya doesnt feel it...but I do. Breaks my heart alittle.
So id have just one more child if he wanted one xx
Amazing birth story! I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You're one special lady! I nearly cried reading and I completely agree with just the one child! Just remember how strong you are ❤
😮😕 You are bloody amazing!
Hands down I couldn't cope with that, any of it. You're so brave Megan. I feel as though I need to give you a huge hug. Reading that made me a bit emotional tbh 😮❤
@megan-leigh Yeah I can imagine x we all seem to have this terrible habit of hiding the bad things away to ourselves and acting as if everything's ok xx
@babypeanut.x yeah and I just feel like we all hide these things from each other. It's like we're made to feel like we have to tell everyone about the good bits and ignore the bad xx
@megan-leigh I definitely agree with you there!! I'm terrible for bottling everything up until it boils over and I have a breakdown 😑
I think we all feel that our feelings matter less as we all seem to put others ahead of ourselves all the time xx
I'm glad you were able to get through it. It sounds awful. And yeah my partner is so supportive! Honestly after everything I'm just happy with my girl now! Knowing that I was unresponsive is a big thing for me. I know every birth is different but I just don't feel like I could risk it again. And I'm finally over most of it its just something I suppose stays with you no matter what. I'm happy with my life and my girl and I'm just happy to cherish every moment. She was worth it all and I'm just grateful for everything. Just felt like it was time to be honest about it all. And definetly because when I first admitted I hated my scar I got alot of horrible comments about it but wasn't ready to tell people the reason why I felt that way xxx
That's amazing and yes you're right getting talking about it helps so much. X
Sorry you had such a rough labour. I had a similar experience with my first. Waters partially went, ended up being induced with pessary, then drip. Laboured over 4 days and only got to 4cm, was sent for a section due to failure to progress. Lost so much blood almost had to have a blood transfusion. My DH was next to me holding the baby and he was crying because he thought I was dying. It was horrible. I then had an horrific recovery and when baby was about 9 month old I realised I also had PPD. Over time i did get better and it sounds like you have a really supportive partner, which is so important. I only share this with you as I'm now pregnant with baby number 3 lol. My second labour also resulted in an emergency c section, but it was totally different and I healed so much quicker. I'm trying for a natural labour again but I'm prepared now for another section if it happens again.
You can ask your doctor for a review of your labour and also for counselling which is really helpful.
Whether you have another baby or not is completely your decision but i definatley recommend asking your GP for some help to discuss your traumatic birth, it will help you heal. X
Big hugs. Well done for sharing. My first labour wasn’t great. I had a severe tear and as soon as I’d given birth to my little boy he was handed off and I was rushed to theatre. I was there for over an hour. When I came back my husband was outside on the phone with family, crying, thinking he may lose me. My baby was with a nurse. The first time I properly saw him he was being bottle fed by a nurse. I was hooked up to so many machines I couldn’t pick him up, or hold him properly. They had blown a vein in one arm whilst trying to fit a canulla and the other arm had a blood pressure monitor on. As soon as I got to hold him a nurse came in within minutes and said he was cold and took him to put in an incubator.
It took me and my husband a while to recover. We then lost a baby. And have since had another. But I chose an elective c section. I needed that control.
Aww I bet it did! Some of these things I feel people don't talk about enough and alot of us feel the need to act strong! And I was left holding my baby on drugs wasn't offered any help to feed or change her when they knew I couldn't move. I didn't sleep so I don't think that helped either. They came in in the morning and had to feed her as I didn't trust myself as I couldn't even see and was so sleep deprived. I just can't go through it again and how my OH felt I definitely can't do it to him. It was a close call. As much as I wanted 2 or 3 I'm now happy with just the 1 xxd
@megan-leigh, nobody helped me to pick him up or change him or feed him. I remember pressing the bell saying I needed more help. But I kinda got tutted at. I’d been up since 7am sat morning and he was born at 4am Sunday. He cried the whole first night. I didn’t sleep that Sunday night at all. When they let me leave on the Monday aft/early evening it had been snowing and I fell outside my door. We were bottle feeding and I remember my hubby sent me to bed and said he would bring baby up and hour later once he’d had another feed. I woke up the next morning and my hubby had spent the night on the sofa with him. So relived to have us both home and safe. And understanding how much I just needed some sleep
@gen87 Aww that's awful. I couldn't even move to press the button. And I had barely slept in 4 days with being induced and that day I'd been up since 4am and didn't go to sleep and till 10am when my OH got there and he took her and I just fell asleep. I tried making them send me home that day but they made me stay in another night due to have the section. The next day I managed to wash myself go to the loo and get myself dressed and they had no choice but to send me home. And they pretty much butchered me. My scar still isn't healed is all ragged and red and bumped over. I still have trouble going number 2 (Grim I know) like I don't get the feeling I need to go most of the time I just get severe pain around my scar. And I was the same just happy to be home with them where I knew I was safe xxx
Thank you for sharing this, I had parts which were similar to you and do feel traumatised also, I had a csection under general anaesthetic so totally understand the missing the first few hours of my little ones life and can’t come to terms with that. Also feel like I have cheated and can never say I gave birth to my daughter because I didn’t. So I do understand, if you do want to talk I’m always here. I have been referred to a service called birth stories, so ask your health visitor about it. I haven’t been yet though xx
Aww it's nice to know I'm not alone! And I'm slowly coming to terms with it. I've been to councilling before for my anxiety and really struggled with the experience. And if I go back they wouldn't just want to talk about my labour they would make me continue from my last session. I'm slowly healing with the help of my OH. My little girl also helps me through too. It's alot to deal with isn't it xx
@megan-leigh, it is, I just seem to try forget about it and never talk about it but apparently that’s the wrong thing to do. If I ever get on the birth stories service (there’s a really long waiting list) I’ll let you know how it goes and if it might be useful to you! Xx
thank you for sharing ❤️ i semi know how you feel. After going to theatre for a forceps delivery and then sepsis scare, I didn’t get to hold my boy for two hours after he was born. I feel robbed of our first chance to bond and I couldn’t get over the trauma and pain for quite a while. I still get juddery just seeing one born every minute on the TV guide 🙈
Aww I don't watch TV at all unless on TV apps so I haven't even been anywhere near that programme since 🙈 it's awful when those precious moments are taken from us isn't it! Xx
Your so strong meg! Keep your chin up girl your amazing and you’ve got your perfect little lady! Love you 💖💖
Thank you I'm just happy with my little family. And just so lucky that I'm here to cherish them both. Love you too ❤️❤️
im sorry that you had a rough delivery :( , very brave of you to share youre story it is a difficult time going through labour and having all of what you went through, i didnt progress with my daughter and ended up having an emergency c section and it is difficult expecially the after part the healing and coping with everything 💜
@megan-leigh no worries and it is difficult i felt most of it with my daughter but ended up having 2 spinal blocks because i felt everything with the 1st one and i couldnt imagine going through what you have and it is really scary, thats my fear this time round but im hoping for a vbac and couldnt imagine how your partner felt being able to hear everything that is going on and the worry :( xx
@gracesmummy16 I guess I was lucky in the sense that while it was going wrong I didn't know. And I know my partner was in absolute pieces and was terrified. Yeah our hospital the waiting room is right next to theatre doors so he heard all they were saying. And they wouldn't allow his mum to sit with him and made her wait outside the hospital so he went through it all alone. And hopefully you get the birth you want. I just don't think after that I could do it to my family or myself xxx
@megan-leigh yeah definitely that would make you worry even more and oh god thats horrible my mum was with me and my partner was waiting in the room i was in and thank you , and thats fair enough you enjoy each moment with your little family , you do what is best for yourself plus your family xx
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@megan-leigh you are one strong lady and do not forget that! After my son, I decided I did not want anymore. Not as traumatic as yours but an emergency cs due to spontaneous labour 3weeks early and being breech. I struggled afterwards with pnd as he wouldn’t feed and I couldn’t move due to the pain. Nearly 6years later I’m pregnant after finally forgiving myself for letting myself feel like a failure. I know I’m not now!
I’m glad you have finally been able to get it off your chest, enjoy making memories with your little girl ❤️😊 xx