Things I never thought I'd say...

" makenzie, please do not chew on the coffee table!"

Bump love these so much

My baby boy says gay when he means to say scared lol everybodys always like huh ?!

Him: mommy hes gay

Me:its okay baby dont be gay

LMFAO

I'm still pregnant but the funniest ones I say to my little girl Kassadie is

-stop playing poke wars in mommys tummy

-you would start to do your daily karate when I can't find a bathroom

-you better come out looking like mommy, cuz daddy could scare people with his looks.. Lmaoo

Dora is much better than that stupid letters show

"Luca don't french kiss the dogs!"

She is 13 months old and is in love with her three puppies

to my 3 year old dd

we do not let everyone see our ginas so please close your legs.

aurora, stop trying to say " mommy likes to touch me" in public. please. (I said I like to touch her soft hair!!)

to my 3 month old ds

why are you bashing your head into my boob?

please poop when we are in the car please go now please go.

Stop showing your who ha to my dd and stop touching yourself to my ds and please don't try and play with my nipples

@Babyj1982 - omg lollollollol i can't stop laughing!!! Bahahaha!!! Oh man that is too funny!!

The one day my 3 year old niece was sitting on the couch and says "I'm hungry!" Picks nose and eats it! Mmmm!! Lol

Please don't poop at the dinner table.

"I understand the dog "lifts his leg funny" to pee, but your a human and a girl so we sit on the potty to pee"

Me: "No, it's to early for a treat, you can have one later."

Her: "But later is today! And it's today right now!"

"Yes, one day you will have big boobies like mommy"

"Please don't scratch your bum and than try to hug mommy, that's yucky"

"How does a girl manage to pee in her own eye?"

"Yes, your correct that lady is a girl so she has a vagina too, but lets worry about ourselves okay?" as she yelled out and pointed at a lady in the grocery store claiming she had a vagina because she was a girl

This is the last time I am going to ask you to stop playing with the dogs penis, he is going to bite you!

"Ugh! Let mommy make you a new sandwich, that one is no good now it touched the dogs bum!"

"Please don't suck on the cats tail!"

And my favorite quote by my daughter (4 yr)

Dad: Blakeley Dakota will get mad at you if you keep bugging him!

Her with her hands on her hips: "DAD dogs don't get mad, they don't have eyebrows!!!!" Lmao

these stories are awesome. my son when he was little: in the back seat of the car when I had a couple friends with us he starts screaming "dumb f---" as he is pointing out the window. when I parked the car and got him out I explained it was a DUMP TRUCK. My friends were all laughing so hard that they were crying

These are great! So here are some of mine!

I have 3 boys and a baby on the way this is mostly the 3 and 5 year old.

Get your hands out of your pants.

No! We don't pee on each other, we pee in the potty.

We don't glue each others butts shut!

Slade stop licking everybody feet, I don't care if spongebob did it!

Is that chocolate or poop?! (When potty training my 3 yr. old)

Jackie you don't wash ur hands in the toilet mami, you wash them in the sink!!

Jackie, where'd you leave your underwear!? (Gets home and gets naked - so glad she's a toddler)

No Jackie, get that $ out of your mouth! (And everything else she can find)

To my son when he was one, "Lets just kiss Mom once. Not over and over."

"Why are you so obsessed with the toilet????"

Me : Logan did you poop on your friends balcony ( saw some poop on there balcony, when picking up from a play date, and every one in the room was acting very strange,)

Logan: noooo,

Me: look me in the eye and tell me you didn't

Logan : Aggh that's it I'm never talking to Tim and his mum ever again !

Not only did my son poop on his friends balcony but he tried to black mail his friends mother not to tell me, !!! He learnt the meaning if punishment that week I can tell you !

I was so mortified, he's 7 now and that was about 4 years ago, but I still cringe when I think about it,

That was my most shocking moment if being a mother for 14 years !!

Here are a couple of other things

I love you too son but we can't get married

Get away from that key hole while your aunt is having a bath

No you can not have 4 happy meals cause you want all the toys

The tree hasn't been murdered, they had to cut it down cause it was dangerous and no we won't run out of oxygen,

Logan are you crying over that tree !!

Yes, yes your right Pokemon is real don't cry !!

I could go on for ever lol

My DD is 13 months.

Stop putting your finger in my nose.

Please don't lick my toes.

We have a parakee- please don't grab him by the head.

No, you cannot have everything in the store.

Give great-grandma a kiss... ugh!! is her reply as she tries to bite her if she gets close.

Don't touch your private! its dirty Adriana!! as I'm changing her. she just laughs..

my son 2 months old

....Yodeth stop kicking mommy(while i shower him) Yodeth no dont drink the water its dirty. Yodeth dont touch your pipi Yodeth dont spit out the milk Yodeth dont pull mommys hair Yodeth dont poke my eye Yodeth dont pinch your cheecks Yodeth dont poke your eye......

"......Liv, wheres the poop that was in your diaper?!?"

Not fun!

Open your legs so I can clean your balls, they're covered in poop.

Christian, you can't eat your knee cap.

Please stop eating my hair.

Nooooo you can't touch your butt yet! It's not clean!

Ds is 6 months old ☺

Looking between spread butt cheeks "yup, you got it all". Always great when it's in a room other than the bathroom too :-D

I was in such a bad mood just now from my feet and back hurting from being pregnant but this just made me the happiest woman!! Thank you guys!

Do you want me to take your good girl card? Lol

to my step son .. "Conner you do not need your cousins in the bathroom while you use it" Conner: " but mom we are having a race to see who can pee/poop faster"

My son is 18 months old ....

When I change his diaper

- " Lex you're gonna rip the thing off!"

After I change his dirty diaper....

- " Lex stop eating your diaper!"

When I'm washing dishes or just standing still...

- "Nooo don't bite mommy's butt."

- Lex these aren't YOUR boobs they're mommy's boobs. ( bad habit of pulling my bra ND shirt down just so he can put his face in my boobs) lol

"No Kearse don't lift the puppy by her throat"

"No Kearse don't kiss daddy there that's yucky!"

"No Kearse don't eat the Xbox controller!"

"Don't lick the TV!"

Don't lick the toilet!

"Did you just pee on your eye?"

"How did you spray/spit up that far??"

He's not even a week old yet so not much happens.

XH

Stop biting the dog!

To my 11 month old " eating ants is yucky and not nice"

Havent had my baby yet but

"jayde get off my bladder"

To my son

The wee-wee door goes in the front AIDDEN

Where can I start?!

No, I don't have 2 Butts.

get back in the house and get pants on!

no, you cant pee outside. response: but daddy does.

no, we don't say sh*t when we drop something.

if you don't stop. so help me!! (I say this a lot)

Stop it!

Those are not puffy stickers! ( pads)

If it was up to you, the poor dog would starve!

"Kaiden what's that in your mouth???" "Lollipop mommy!" "Where'd you get that???" (Points to bathroom trash can) *thats not a lollipop* he had a tampon applicator in his mouth.

"Kaiden don't play with that" "but mommy it's getting big than small" "your winky is not a toy kaid!"

You can poop on me as much as you want, and I'll still love you.

No you can't go back inside the womb. Omg get your head away from there immediately.

No I will not suck the boogers out of your nose.

Please never write stories about walking in on dad and I for the teacher ever again.

'Stop watching me poop!'

Alisia why is your baby in the fridge

Ben, please stop slapping your bits and bobs!

Ben, please stop pinching your bits and bobs !

Ben, please don't slap/pinch your bits and bobs and then put your hands in your mouth!

Boys and their bits! Sheesh!

If rather play with a toy car then do laundry for my two boys lol!!

Olivia if you carry on behaving like this you'll never have a brother or sister you'll put mummy off doing it again!

Please stop hiding food in your nappy!

Olivia that little boy does t know you, he looks scared, stop kissing him now please!

Olivia don't play in the toilet water!

Olivia don't touch your poo!

Olivia stop poking the dogs eyes!

(Getting dressed) please stop pinching mummy's nipples : (

Olivia get mummy's undies off your head they are not your hat!

"F*ckin' baby"- as I changed my LO into his 4th diaper in a row when he was just a few weeks old. He had peed and projectile pooped 3x! The last time it sprayed all over my hands and my pants!

"Don't pull your pee-pee like that bubba, you're gonna hurt yourself!"

"baby...get your underwear out of your oatmeal"

No, chickens do not lay cream eggs!

Don't eat dog food you are not a dog!

1 year old likes to eat dog food and also crawl around acting like a dog with his tongue hanging out making dog panting noises lol

Get your hands off your weenie!!! Lol

"No don't poop there!" Story of my life

" Hailey where did your poop go?"

neveah take your hand out of the toilet

don't eat that its cat food

daddy is not a girl, he's a boy

your sister is not a toy

mommies boobies are for feeding the baby.

don't ride the dog

don't kiss you friend in the mouth, only not the cheek.

poop is not paint. (she would take her diaper off and touch her poop,and draw on the walls) gross never could catch her in time.

my son does and says such crazy stuff, i dont know where to start. lol

(our kitten sucks on ours dogs nipples) "jayden! (my son) just cause you see the cat doing it, doesnt mean you can suck the dogs nips to!"

"stop pulling my shirt down in public!"

"your poop is not paint!"

"you eat candy nerds, not shove them up your nose!"

"you dont bite moms boobs!" (my husband watches the walking dead infront of our son so he pretends to be a zombie a lot)

"Get off the back of the couch!"

"Do that again, and I'll laugh if you get hurt!"

"You can't play outside, there's ants." (dd is allergic to fire ant bites, as soon as we can, we are so getting the pest dudes)

EJ stop touching my vagina. I know I don't have a wee wee like you.

No Serena you can't punch your brother in the face.

Don't fart on your brother

My 5 yo has to get told not to stand over us while we bath, pee, wash, anything bathroom related, unpacking on a recent holiday with all my dh's immediate family she crammed herself into the tiny toilet left the door ajar and shouts "wow daddy your Tinky is MASSIVE" everyone just went quiet!

I am pregnant with my first and I was led to believe kicking was exciting but lately it been annoying so here is the extent of me scolding the girl in my tummy . Aeris that's moms belly button stop kicking there. Or aeris I know I have to pee it does help me find a bathroom when you make it worse with your feet

Me: Honey go buy a new outfit baby shampoo wash clothe towel and baby lotion. I have to give her a bath in the sink.

Now this is while we ran out to KMart to just pick up diapers. My daughter that was not yet a year old had diarrhea so bad it went down her legs up her back in her hair. So I gave here a bath in the Kmart sink I know it was bad but I couldn't put her back in her car seat like that and take her home.

Here are some more:

Stop smelling the dog poop

The wall and floor is not the toilet

No the cars won't go to heaven if you flush them

Me: Where is mommys phone?

Son: the fishy wanted to talk to Mamaw

Found phone in fish tank along with pb&j sandwich choc. chip cookie sippy cup

Me: Son why is ur lunch in the fish tank?

Son: Mommy the fishy was hungry to. He don't like his food he wanted mine so I shared

These are just a few I have said and done over the past ten years.

Oh wait one of my favs. Boys stop eating the butter sticks. I need those to cook with or but on ur bread.

Me:cooking

Niece:Tia where do baby's come from?(she's only 7)

Me:umm "go ask your mom babygirl"

Niece:she said they come from rainbows and fireworks...

Me:let's say they just come from somewhere far far away"like space" (/.\)

Niece: screams out crying (so so I'm a alien) runs off screaming/tears......

I didn't think that particular conversation would be so hard :,(

I was lost for words at that moment !!lol

" don't you go under mommies bed, your going to get stuck!"

.. 5min later .. she's crying ...

... 10min later ...I'm yelling ..

" go get dad I'm stuck again"

I'm not due til August but I nanny and the little boy is priceless someways!

Me:don't touch your wiener!

Him: ugh! Daddy does it!

Me: I'm sure he does but don't do it please!

Him:I have to poop! *runs to the front door*

Me: um...what are you doing?

Him: going outside!

Me: no no you poop on the potty!

Him: no Jess you're dumb...boys go poop on the stump!

Me: no boys and girls poop on the potty

Him: daddy poops on the stump!

Me: I don't think so.

Him: ugh *stomps off to bathroom*

"Can we not watch mommy shower?"

Bump

Zion don't bit the dog

Zion don't pull that (referring to the dogs penis)

Zion don't stick your head in there ( we have a toilet that cleans your butt)

got a new one.

"lets wash your lips. thats a GLUE STICK, not CHAPSTICK."

don't lick the tv ur gonna get shocked!! lol!!

still pregnant but have nieces and nephews.

"NO mathew (3yr nephew) we do not play catch with the dog.!"

"step away from the chocolate"

"makayla do not put the dog collar on your brother"

To my 10yr old daughter:

"Did u take my makeup"

"U better not be talking to boys on ur phone"

To my 5yr old son:

"Son please do not wrestle to cat"

"Son u got to put the toilet seat down for girls"

Something new everyday. Lol

I

"we created the dance moves that made your dance moves"

daughter grounded to her room. "i have to go pee can i come out?"

me- "should have thought about that before you got in trouble"

To my stepson

Lj do your homework the man in your head did not steal your answers .. Lol he has an active imagination...

Lj do not tell your dad that you will kick him in his dick ..

He came home & told his dad that he was gonna kick him in his dick when we asked him where he heard it he said a little girl at school said it to him when he was at recess..

We're not playing tug-o-war with mommies nipple.

"Omg baby get out of the garbage"

"lipstick is not candy"

" s*** man, there's s*** every where"

Yes, it's very nice to share your snack. But you don't need to share the food that's already been in your mouth.

Hahaha! These are great!

"Don't play with Mommy's dirty underwear. There's plenty of other good dirty laundry to play with."

"Please get your cracker away from the dog's butt"

"no i do not have my underwear on wrong Tayla (4) .. My bum is supposed to be hangin out"

Whilst puttin my thongs on :/

To my 3yo daughter: "Yes, someday your nipples will be big like Mommy's."

200! Bam!

Bump

"Smell her butt"

"do I smell like poo, I keep smelling Cienna's doo dee"

How do i "bump/keep" thus post to see later?

Girls! DO NOT wash your hands with toilet water!

You better not be drinking toilet water!

STOP playing with you shanny (vagina) to my 4 year old

My husband says while hes peeing " no you can touch that!" " No thats not a fountain!"

Kiana stop trying to bite your sister bum!

ohh man something new everyday

Please don't drink the bath water!

Stop picking ur nose & eating the boogers!

If u don't start brushing ur hair I'm gonna shave it off!

Don't make me get out the baking soda & peroxide (when they don't want to brush their teeth)

Please stop stealing my Chapstick!

Ah, remembered a few:

"Why are your pants off?!"

"Stop licking the door!"

"No, we do not bite the cat."

My son is 18mo.

"Tristan, don't sit on the cat!"

"Please don't touch your pee pee while I change you."

"No! No hands in your poopy!"

"Don't you dare stand on that table!"

I'm sure I have a lot more, but I'm blanking.

"Why would you do that?"

"Stop eating the dog food its bad for you"

To my older children:

'Can we empty the dish rack instead of practicing our Jenga skills with it?'

OmG how can there be poo THERE??! ?

Stop licking the toilet seat

Get your hands OUT of your pants (my 2 year old waits for the most attention on him before rummaging around vigorously with both hands down there eek usually just after a sweet old lady has said 'look at his lovely blue eyes he's so swee... Oh')

We don't say that word (f... ?)

Bump

dont forget to wash your balls

...seriously. I say it all the time.

Do you like the way your boogers taste? Then stop putting your fingers in your nose and then your mouth.

Isaac (he's 4) : "mommy? Do you like butts?"

Me (very baffled at this question): "well. I don't like dirty butts."

"Isaiah get ur hands off your weewee. one day its gona grow legs and run away from you"

"mommy doesn't have a weewee"

To my daughter "Aniah stop rolling your eyes at me before it gets stuck"

"you look ugly when you cry"

How did I get poop on my cheek!?!

Expecting my first baby in August but my preparation is with my nephews.

Me: AJ please don't jump on the bed you will fall down n your making Titi want to throw up

AJ: titi I'm trying to help the baby come out your butt.

Me: AJ don't play with the ipad like that it will break

*Loud crash*

AJ: it's not the ipad so don't get mad!!

*Crying in a distance*

AJ: it's just Danny (lil bro) but not the ipad!

"If it's crying, whining, or yelping stop doing whatever you doing to them bc it's not having fun!"

Anytime she asks something that I don't want to do "ask daddy"

"Get the poor kitten out of the toilet now!"

"Stop growling at strangers!"

"If I have to tell you to stop one more time mommy is running away to Vegas!"

"Unless you can sprout wings I suggest you don't climb that high"

"Please stop touching my nipples"

"Lucas you can't play in the trash can!"

"Lucas Oliver, do not kiss that baby!"

"Lucas, you're going to get an ear infection if you keep putting your finger in your ear"

"Lucas, did you just pee on my leg?"

He's only 7 months old. -.-

"Sebastian, stop eating the rug!"

"Stop chewing on (insert anything that is not made to chew on)"

and my personal favourite

"No"

I have a two week old and I've already started haha

"how did you get poop THERE?!"

He grunts and swings his arms around, "are you already arguing with me boy?"

Also while I was pregnant:

"is this gas or a contraction?"

"is that a normal color for poop?"

"Logan don't smear the poo even more!"

Too my 5year old neice

Me: Stop putting Rilo (our puppy) in the dryer!!

Neice: But he was wet!!!

Husband: Thats wat she said

-__- oh my life

to my 3 yr old son,

" Dont lift the women's dress."

happens alot when i go grocery shopping.

The other day I told my dog "stay away from blayklei(my newborn) she is not your chew toy!"

"kaylen stop trying to eat the dish washer"

"Kaylen don't scrath that poop butt!"

"Kaylen Leaves mommies tampons alone!"

"Kaylen don't eat that grass!"

Abraham (5) stop choking your brother (Adan,7)

Adan (7) comes crying to me "mom A.B.(5) punched me in the stomach" so I said "punch him back"

"mommy! Adan punched me..."

"alright that's enough go to your room! NOW!"

Bumping this post so I can find it again (:

"yay Bentley you pooped woohoo" (he's a month and had to have surgery one his belly because he wasn't having his bowel moment)

This is not so much what I never thought I would say as it is I had no idea what to say or even act.

When my DD was 3 we went to the store and we walked past a very very small lady.

DD: "LOOK MUMMY IT'S A SNOW WHITE MAN" (meaning a dwarf)

Me: OMG I am so sorry. (Dying of shock and horror)

DD: "Where's Snow White?"

Lady: She's looking at shoes. And winks at me.

DD: oh ok.

Me whispers: I am sooooo sorry.

Lady walking away hums hi ho.

I have never been so embarrassed!! I didn't tell her off or anything I didn't know what to do.

When my daughter was 2 1/2 she.wanted a balloon really bad and I told her we didn't have any, she goes to mine and the hubby's room gets in my drawer and found our condoms. She gets one opens it runs screaming to her Daddy and says aww haa I found one, Daddy blows this up please... you should have seen our faces I'm sure they were priceless..

First thing in the morning:

Dd(4): mom I want milk

Me: where's your manners?

Dd: can I have some milk please

Me: yes

Ds(6): mom can I please have some icecream?

... Smart alic

Its a sandwich not a damnit!

To my 3 year old:

Stop pinching your nipples!

Did you finish pooping?

How did you get there?

How did you get up there?

Stop beating the dog!

Stop licking the cat!

Take your clothes off

Did you wash your butt?

Stop shaking your butt!

Stop rubbing your butt on me

Stop playing my boobs like bongos!!

Don't kiss mommys butt!

Candy is not food!

Don't look down tia's shirt.

Don't say "boobies!! Boobies!! Boobies!!"

Don't go running around spanking everyone!!

Did you eat that?

Why did you eat that?

The list goes on...

To My almost 1 year old.

Please stop putting ur sandwich down my top.

Dont bite my boob

Stop stretching ur doodle out it will fall off

Don't put rocks in your mouth please

Stop trying to feed the dogs rocks

I can't think of any others

Because I said so....

Stop playing with daddy's condoms.

Don't touch your brother's weenie.

And my sister has said:

"leave Mommy's boobs alone" (her two year old is obsessed and exclaims "BOOBIES!" As she stares down her shirt. She never breastfed either of her girls.

I was reading a book and not paying too much attention to what was going on while my husband was playing with our daughter.

Adilyn my 15 month old daughter says to me tonight "Mommy, I touch my nuni lots."

Nuni=vagina

I said, "Oh, really baby? That's good. Everybody touches their nuni a lot."

Then I realized what she said.

MAJOR FACE PALM!

lol. I was then trying to back pedal while my husband sat there laughing at me.

Things I say hmmm hubby stop scratching ur balls in front of our lo he will pick up ur bad

My four year "Mommy look at me I'm talking to you!"

Me "Honey, I'm driving I can't look at you when I'm driving"

My Four year old "Fine!"

Me "Kenzie stay out of my perfume and get in the bathtub and was that off !"

Me " Stop touching the dogs balls"

Kenzie "But they are squishy"

Family reunion in Kentucky

My 9yr. Old: I need to poop mom!

Me: well go poop, duh!

20 min. Later he comes back.

Him: Mom, my butt hurts so bad!

Me: why?

Him: I pooped in the woods and don't worry I dug a hole and used a leaf.

Me: WTH! Son, really?! I think you have swamp a$$!

Him: it hurts can we go home and I take a shower? Grab my brothers butt cream...so you can put it on please.

Yup, we went home and I applied butt rash cream to my 9 yr. olds butt...as he spread his little butt cheeks and asked me 'has this happened to you?' ?

Don't eat that it's not food! -to my 2 year old SS.

Don't put your butt on your brothers face!

Stop scratching your butthole!

Get your fingers out of your nose and mouth son!

Don't touch your junk while eating!

The joys of having 3 boys! (:

Love this, sooo funny

I'm a step mom.

" get you fingers out of your butt"

" don't eat your boogers that's gross"

He calls his balls boobs. He's a trip?

Stop sucking on your toe please

Also,

"Leily, you cant eat shoes, its yucky"

Everytime I hold my 10 month old, she pulls at my shirt and looks at my breasts. I never breastfed, mind you. And then she does the same thing to her father, and gives weird looks when she realizes we're different.

"These are mommy's lady parts, daddy doesn.t have them because he's a BOY"

A little young, maybe, but after a few times of saying it she'll learn.

Not to mention, i'm currently pregnant with a boy, so she will be asking questions as she gets older to why he has a "peepee" and she doesnt. LOL. Too cute.

Ouch Brayden! Stop trying 2 come thru my skin!-I'm due w my 4th April 16th 2013!

To my 16 mos old;

"Come here, did you poop? Let me smell your butt"

"Sofi out of the kennel pls!"

"Holy s*** I need the bomb squad for this diaper change"

"No baby don't say holy s*** "

"Sofia! Noooooo, wait!"... Poops in tub, grab it with bare hand, drain and fill again.

"Oh crap, gotta go, Sofia just puked all over the place"

To my older daughter;

Me: "It's ok, everyone gets a lil poop on their underwear sometimes"

My daughter: "It wasn't like poop though, it was like watery."

Me: "yea that's diarrhea"

Her: "no, it was like pee but out my butt"

Me: "yes, that's diarrhea"

Her: "yea, Natalie says it happens to her sometimes"

Lmaooooo

These are hysterical!

"Sorry I don't want Mr. potato head pieces stuck up my nose and don't shove them up yours either!"

&Today,

"Emma Grace! The plunger is not a chew toy! It's for the toilet!!"

Her response, "Momma Lana, it gets the toilet paper to get unstuck. I ate some &now it's stuck in my belly. I want it out."

Ugh.

Me"Coda get ur finger outta ur nose"

Coda"daddy said I could pick it as long as I wasnt in public"

Grrrrrr, lord help

Sophia stop meowing and eating the cat food ! Your not a cat

"no.. Mommy does NOT have two butts"

When my nephew was 4 he said he was going to throw my chihuahua off the balcony & that she would say "weeeee" lol..I then told him no and kept him away from my poor dog all night, I then had to tell him to stop pulling the weeds, which were actually my moms spider plant she had sitting on her porch outside. Never thought I'd tell a 4year old to stop with the yard work lol!

My dd 3y/o keeps me busy though

Stay out of the fridge.

You can't eat a whole package of bologna.

Leave the cat alone, it doesn't like you anymore.

Stop sticking stickers all over my flat screen/stomach.

You don't have to change your outfit 20 times a day.

Put the lotion down.....

Did you use enough of mommys body spray.

Oh and when she was 2. STAY OUT OF THE LITTER BOX IT IS NOT YOUR PERSONAL SAND BOX!

I could go on for days also haha!

&when we get on to her, she bats her eyelashes &throws her lip out. &says wither, "I love you." "Your hair looks nice." or "You're so pretty!" Grrr, child.

*In Victoria Secret.*

Me: I like these green ones.

Emma [2 year old stepdaughter]: I want these blue ones!

Me: Those aren't your size babes.

Emma: They're for big girls?

Me: Yes ma'am.

Emma: I'm a big girl! I peepee in the potty! I'm getting these!

*she prances to the counter singing about her big girl panties.*

*Us out to eat.*

Server: How old are you. pretty girl? 2?

Emma: Um, no. I'm elebin. [11]

*Me, DH, &Emma are having a tea party.*

Emma: Here daddy, made you some tea! [water]

DH: -drinks it.

Me: -dies laughing.

DH: What?

Me: You do realize the only water she can reach is out of the toilet..

Me: Emma Grace! Do not just pull down your big girl panties here! We're in Wal*Mart!

Emma: You're stressin me out, Momma Lana. Goodness!

*Emma lays her head on my belly &Tanner kicks*

Emma: Momma Lana! Baby Brudder kicked me!

Me: Em, he doesn't know any better. He's in my belly.

Emma talking to my belly: You're going to time out when you get here, mister.

Lord help us!

Um Mackenzie! playing with the hose is an outside game

Terrific!

Lol I am dying over here!!!! This is priceless!!!

I am a first time mummy, and I'm even close to being due yet.

Lucky for me I work in childcare.

"You need to start listening"

"Where are your manners?"

"Flush the toilet!"

"Wash your hands"

"Put your rubbish in the bin"

I could go on all day.

"One or the other. You can't have both finger and boobie in your mouth."

"Don't bite mommy's nipple."

"Please stop playing with mommy's nipple."

"Don't bite my nose."

"Stop snapping my bra strap."

"Get your foot out of mommy's vagina."

"Don't stick your finger in mommy's nose"

"Don't stick your whole hand in mommy's mouth."

"Let's not lick mommy's eye."

"put your shirt down you can't feed your brother" my two year old thinks she can breast feed my 9 month old.

she also asks about my sons penis and the other day our conversation went "brother has a little penis.... daddy has a big penis" I didn't even know what to say to her so I just said yes.

Ben! Do NOT stick your finger in the dogs butt!!!

My boobs are not your security blanket!

Stop playing with your pee-pee!

Get out the toilet and dont put your hands in your mouth....you pee in the toilet!

I am not playing this game this morning(constantly picking up what lo throws on the floor)....(14 month old).

"No you cannot pee in the yard like the dog."

"You cannot JUST eat ketchup for lunch"

@mommymumaw I think you have the best one! I would never in a million years think I (or anyone else) would ever have to say that!! The visual was hilarious!!

Omg Mariah leave your butt alone.

Stop licking windows, door, stove, cupboard and about 500 other things including making out with the dog and liking me.

Leave the toilet alone. Your gonna get sick.

Don't potty in the bath. You can pee in the shower though.

Daddy had to explain what a penis and vagina are( I was at work). Which leads to talking about them at family parties and shopping.

And the oh so famous... Leave your vagina alone.

Go eat candy with sissy ( adult time )

Leave my boobs alone!!!!

There are many more.

Daphnie leave your poop alone!!!!

What is your issue with poop???

Stop running into door knobs.

There's a wall there.

No using paint to glue pictures to the wall.

No french kisses, please!

Get your finger out of your butt!

Get your hands out of your pants!

You can't eat through your ears!

You can't just pee on things because you're mad!!!

Oh god, did you just kill your aunts cat?!!

and my favorite so far:

No, Patrick Star is not a penis with penis arms and penis legs.

"Don't eat that play-doh it's not food!"

"You put what in your ear?"

"No you can not fart on my head!"

"You flushed what down the toilet?!"

Get your face out of my crotch

You had your time with my boobs. its your brothers turn ( my dd is 14 mo. my son is 2 weeks)

Stop licking your brother/my leg/the dog

Get your hand off his penis

Stop touching yourself

The trashcan is not a treasure chest

Im going to throw all of your toys away since u rather play with boxes and combs

man...i can go on and on

Don't lick the dog back! Stop making out with the dog!

Khyllie if you jump on my bladder again, I'm going to pee my pants

Khyllie if you kick me again I'm going to punch your dad

lmao my baby is still in my belly.

@dallis34 thats so funny u tell ur lil boy that about peeing off the front pourch......... I have to tell my hubby that atleast 1time a day lol

My daughter loves to push her teddy around in her toy buggy... One day she got ahold of the salt shaker. "No, Jeni, don't salt your baby. I'm not sure what's worse. The fact she was salting her baby, or that there was toy veggies surrounding the baby... No more loony toons for us!

'AJ what have I told you about peeing off the front porch?? You gotta go to the back porch!!'

'OMG AJ THAT'S NOT LOTION' as he was lathering up his hands and arms with our lube that we keep in our drawer

'I'm tired... Can't you just eat cookies?!'

This is all to my 6yr old at one point in time --

My favorite ' go back to bed AJ mommies fine, I was just having a bad dream' after he over hear dh n I doing the deed..

Bumping for later! Wow I can't wait!

That's not a puzzle its the floor !

(broken tile)

Just last night: "STOP! Don't take that nappy away yet I want to look at her poo!"

I know you're proud of your penis but put it away no one wants to see that!!

Don't put your brother in a dress!

No you cannot take a bath with me ( to my DD) you're 6 years old ( as she proceeds to climb fully clothed in my bath)

Get that lime out of your undies!! We put the lime in the coconut not our panties!!!

While changing dd's diaper, "don't put stuff there!" Although I'm sure I've said that to my dh a few times lol!

"Stop hitting/punching yourself" to my 5 month that beats on her chest!! It's so funny !

I know its warm down there but stop sticking your hands between my boobs.

oh yeah

stop hitting yourself.

dont come bye crying your the one that did it to yourself( after punching or hitting his head into somthing purposely)

please leave mommys make up alone( my boys like to put it on when they see me do it but gouge out the middle of the eyeshadow)

why dont you listen after I've asked them to do something at least 60 times

chill out kid you dont need to cry just because you cant watch what you want I want to watch something too

dont hit the cat in the head with chopsticks. I think its kind of funny cause im half asain and my son is quarter asain. lol

"You're not supposed to lick your friends!"

Kevin quit swinging on my arm mommy isn't a jungle gym. lol I say this like forty times a day

Don't put your hand down there

Didn't I just tell you no

Go sit on the naughty step

Get your hands out of mommys boobs

Where u find that poo poo at

That's just nasty

Did you poo poo in the tub

Stop licking the floor

No..stop sit down X300

Rowen! Stop swinging Audrey around by her ears!!!

(Rowen is my nearly 2 DS and Audrey is my 3 month old cocker spaniel puppy)

Never thought I'd have this conversation with anyone but here it was in wal-mart in the washroom very loud for everyone to hear

Mommy when will I get hair down there?

I don't know honey it's different for everyone.

Mommy when will I get boobies?

Around the same time you get hair down there.

Oh ok mommy

Now it's things like;

No it's dinner time you can't have a snack

Put the IPod down

Turn down that music we're in sacrament

No Sara you cannot have boys in your room

Does it look like I was born yesterday

You have no respect

When will you be human again?!?!?!? Smh teenagers! Lol

Amazingly hilarious. I can't wait to say some of these things ha ha.

"no, you cannot have a popsicle for breakfast.."

My 3 yr old son "but I already ate dinner"

"last night's dinner does not count "

Hahaha kids are way too cute

My son:" I went to the men's bathroom all by myself! There was a magical fountain...you have to push the button and that's when the magic happens. It splashed me on my face and it felt good!"

"That was a urinal son! Not a magical fountain. Why didn't you wait for me!"

"When you pay the light bill you can leave all the lights on."

"Stop pointing out fat people."

"Because I said so"

"No, mooning people is not okay"

Stop crying, this isn't food, it's yuckys.

I just don't want to share lol

Kylee you can't grab him there. (the dogs penis)

Thats enough kisses baby its time for bed

No dont play with that

I dont think so Missy, let go of him.

Kylee drop him! (as she Carries the cat by his neck)

nu uh Missy you cant climb there.

Kylee drop that wrench

dont sit on her head!

Moms head isn't a chair baby

Lmao just bumping this so I can find it later to tell my oh about!!! It's all gold!!!

Please don't pee on me.

Don't put that in your mouth.

You can't eat dog food.

Get out of the toilet.

Please don't put your fingers in my mouth.

Don't touch the dogs butt.

Please don't pull the dog's ears, he's not a toy.

Stop trying to sit on the dog.

Don't touch the glass( it gets broken not two seconds after).

Please get off the dishwasher, mommy doesn't need help.

Please let mommy put your diaper on you, DON'T pee on the floor!

Ugh did you put pasta up your nose?

Don't hit mommy in the face, it's not nice.

Don't touch that, it's yucky!

Don't eat that, it's not food!

There are so many more that I'm sure will be thought of later.

stop putting that butter (on his pancakes) in ur hair

get ur hand out ur butt

To my five yr old dd, she is very shy and I have to remind her that she is too big to go back so please quit trying to bury yourself in my butt and vagina lol, and when she sees a cop or a person she doesn't know she screams NO you will go to jail if you touch me! I am always embarrassed when we go to the store.

We were at dinner one night. My son leans over to his dad and very loudly states "dad my penis is big see". My husband then asked "did you just hear him". To which I replied" yes I did, as well as the whole restaurant. Kyler we do not do that in public." Got to love him.

"Get your finger out of your nose"

"stop headbutting your brother"

"eat your own food not eveyone elses"

"poo goes in the toilet not in your undies"

"shh its sleeping time not play time"

"no mya i dont want any fake lotion and if you touch me were going to have a problem"

my five yr old daughter licks her hands then yells fake lotion and tried to rub peoples arms with her yucky spit fingers... disgusting but hilarious..

"Adilyn Montgomery, Remington is not a trampoline. Do not jump on his belly."

Remington is our 150lb pitbull that likes to lay in his back upside down and Adi, my 15 month old daughter, uses that as prime opportunity to jump on the poor dogs stomach. Remington doesn't mind at all, he lays there upside down wagging his tail, but I don't want her to hurt him.

"Adi, it is not okay to lick random things."

"Adi, stop pulling Remington's nipples"

Again, he is upside down just wagging away as she is doing this to him. She will even crawl under him when he is standing up and lay on her back like she is working on a car and pull his nipples.

"Adi, please don't bite Liebe's ear. I'm pretty sure she doesn't appreciate that."

Liebe is our other 78lb pitbull that just waggles the entire time Adilyn is abusing her.

"Adi, don't put your bare butt on the window."

We have floor to ceiling windows in our living room and when Adi gets out of the bath or pool, she likes to run around naked for a few minutes. Well, she thinks it is absolutely hillllaaaarious when she pulls back the curtains and sticks her bare little butt on the front window for the neighborhood to see.

This is the one I probably say the most.

"Jesus H Christ kid, you're driving me absolutely nuts. We are going to have a come to jesus meeting real soon if you don't settle your little self down."

After anytime that I scold her or tell her not to do something she always says "Mama, I love you." And it just melts my heart and I can't even pretend to be mad anymore. She is quite the manipulator already!

"Did you poo poo or pee pee"

"No stop putting your fingers in your butt"

"Put some clothes on"

"You won't eat your dinner but have no problem eating your boogers...u'r nasty"

"No momma doesn't have a pee pee because momma is a girl. u and dadda have a pee pee"

Lol, kids are too much!

Oh my goodness! Poor kitten! Haha

If I find the kitten in the freezer again I'm giving it away

"because I said so"

???

Keep your pants on

Don't take your undies off in public

Keep your hand out of the toilet

Keep your ball out of the toilet

Pet your sister nicely

Keep your diaper on

Stop touching your poop

Don't play with your poop

Pee on daddy, not on Mommy

Stop pulling Mommy's boobs out in public, no one wants to see them (then realizing I have half a dozen male nurses/doctors staring at my chest)

Come watch Mommy pee

Go with daddy and see how big boys go potty/poopoo

Flush the toilet and lets watch your poop go byebye

Stop spreading your legs, keep them closed (2.5yr old step daughter... Her mom gets around, we assume that's where she gets a lot of the inappropriate stuff she does)

Stop humping daddy's leg/your car/the bed/your stuffed animal (same sd)

Please stop asking people if they have a penis or a vagina.

Omg! I've been stickied!! Yay!!!!!!

Leave your diaper on

We don't take our clothes off at the store

The dog is not a pillow

Don't put your food in your milk

Ewww don't drink that milk now

Leave the cat aloneeeeeee

We don't eat dog food

Don't give the dog your food

( to my 8 mo old )

-don't eat the carpet!

-get my flip flop outta ur mouth!

-dont pull the dogs fur.. or tail..

-get out from under the couch..

-Omg just go to sleep.. ur not going to miss anything I promise!!

-don't eat the phone cord

-don't lick my face

"Audrey stop playing in the toilet, you are not a dog!"

"Is that poop on your shirt?!"

"Get your hand out of your pants I can almost see you whole butt!"

"Sorry Sugar. You are not gonna poke your eye out on mommy's watch, try again with daddy."

"Get that dog out of the stroller"

"Don't bite the dog"

"No it's Wednesday not threesday"

"No my stomach is not going to pop if u poke it"

"stop licking your sister"

No honey, my nose isn't to chew on. And neither is MY EYE BALL!

Yes, i second all the dog sentences!!! Every single one..

Leave the dog alone

Stop eating dog food!!!!

Omg what are u doing?!

Get out of the dogs cage!!

Baaaabbbeee Romie locked us out of the room!!! ._.

How in the world did u get on there??

Stop picking ur nose

No biting!!

Nemo? Seriously AGAIN????

Dnt step on that

Dnt touch the stove!!

Dnt throw that!!!

I can go on and on lol

Just now my niece, as we're going to my doctors apt, says "This is my first pregnancy!" I said no you're not pregnant I am" to which she responds "EASY FOR YOU TO SAY!" I died lol

"Enzo, please don't talk with mommies nipple in your mouth."

To my 2 month:

Oh no don't poo in the bath again

Please leave some hair in mamas head

To my 5yr old sd:

Your to big for the crib get out of there

No bf your baby doll in public

Please don't dance like that while your taking your clothes off (no idea where she learnd to strip from but she comes back from her moms doing all kinds of stuff like this)

Candy isn't a meal

I don't need to look at your poo all though that is an impressive shape

"Zayn stop kicking moms vagina. I know it was nice and cozy in their but ya don't have to punish me for your leaving"

My boys are 8 so it's been a long time since I've had to say things like "Your diaper is not a toy box" or "peas don't belong in your nose". Now days I'm saying "If you fall out of that tree after I told you not to climb it, I'm not taking you to the hospital" (knowing I would) or "NO you can't build a ramp to jump your 4-wheelers". I have a new baby on the way so give me a little time and I'll get back into the swing of things.

Well silly you wont choke if you stop putting your finger down your throat

Kylee Marie does my Jeans taste good? (as she is licking my leg) she then proceeds to shake her head yes.

Kylee stop head butting the dog

Dont jump off that... Too late. (as she lands on the pillows she piled in front of the couch)

Dont stand in that, it'll hurt. (as she goes backwards from her highchair

"lili get out of mammas drawer that's my thong not a necklace"

she comes to me and says mamma open cheese please

" those r tampons not cheese sticks"

Lol!! These are great!!

Little girl, you better quit shaking your butt when you walk. It starts bad habits and mommy will have to kill her a little boy. (she is 5) im sorry honey, I don't know if you can see Justin Bieber in real life, maybe one day. In the car, how are you gonna tell me to stop talking so you can hear the radio? She is too smart for her own good, kinda scares me for the future...

Asher, Zombie is not food.

Asher, stop pulling mommy's hair.

She is only 6 months now, but the conversations with my husband are funny, "Did you guys have a good day?"

Me: Yep! She took a huge crap and it went up the back of her diaper!

He: Yay!

Commence pooping celebration.

Lmfao these are too damn funny !

I'm only an auntie right now so mines are like this

"No Ty(5months) you can not breast feed off auntie these are for cousin only"

"ty stop kicking my tummy your cousin is in there"

"no ty you can not motor boat auntie"

Yeah my nephew loves my boobs

thats the dogs pee hole STOP touching it!!

"Phoebe (turned 2 last Sunday)

, let go of your brother's (12 weeks) penis, please"

"But mum, i want to have it"

" later hunny later, but not your brother's"

"Can i have Daddy's"

"No that's mummy's"

Phoebe: "???WHY???"

I then decided to quietly resort to carry on coloring-in with her..

???

Don't take your weenie off, Mommy wants grandkids. Leave your balls there too.

"Please stop sticking your nails in my boob"

"OMG, stop fighting me & take the nipple!"

"I promise if you just suck on it instead of punching it, you'll be a whole lot happier"

All said during feedings.

Haha! These are so funny! Keep them coming!

stop putting coins in your diaper

take the straws out of your nose

dont hug me just to wipe your nose on my shirt

please stop touching you penis when you watch dora (creeps me out)

Stop screaming "penis" in the store. yes i know mommys face is red so please stop.

get your elbow off of my boob!

dont bite your grandmother! get off my belly, theres a baby in there! stop trying to out your poop in my mouth! dont bite my feet! stop touching your weiner! dont bite my butt! dont headbut me! his dad got him in some bad habits.. lol he saw his dad bite my butt and thought it wax hilarious

Don't eat those shoes.

No please don't eat that tampon (unused)

Ow don't bite my ear

Please don't throw spoons in the toilet.

Dancing on the dining chair will give you an owiee

Oh eeew poop in my mouth

Stop eating poop Joseph

No, please stop biting my boobs

"Don't pee on my jacket"

I have throw up in my cleavage"

"I haven't showered in 3 days"

"No don't play with your pee"

"Don't fingerpaint the walls with poo"

"An erection is a normal thing honey, no need to push it back in"

omg these made my night. thank you :) and Courtney that made me laugh so hard... I love the fact that he actually smelt the puddle :)

My now 5 yr ol sd is disabled so she wasn't potty trained until she was 4. It was very difficult to potty train her n I never thought we'd b taking video of her poop in the toilet n her doing her "poo poo in the potty" dance (to the rhythm of the conga) n sending it to daddy via text. Lol.

Please stop kicking mommys face.

Get your finger out of your nose.

Get your finger out of mommys nose.

Yay! You pooped for mommy! Mom loves poop!

And he's only 3 months old... hahaha

Can you stop putting your tongue up my nose?!

Can i take a sh!t alone/in peace?

bruce.bella- my SO is a baker at dunkin donuts. I'm definitely telling him that one lmao!!

Please stop licking your sisters feet. (said to the 13 month old about the 2month old)

We don't lick people's eyeballs.

STOP licking the floor!

DO NOT lick the toilet!!!

.... I really hope this phase doesn't last much longer!

'Stop doing the butt dance!'

'Get your penis off the toilet! the seats here are dirty!' (at winco)

'Please stop pinching my nipples, Aiden'

and the winner...

'This isn't a game! STOP!'

"We don't scratch backs with the hamster" My five year old daughter was scratching her six year old brothers back with the poor little creature :(

Continue... I need more laughs!

Haha!!!

well... it's my fault I have to correct my son in public. he was eating a donut and asked me how the hole gets in it. I told him the bakers in the back put it up to their bum and fart so hard it blows a hole in it. now when we go to the coffee shop he asks the waitress do u know how donuts get their holes? and I have to say "no no we don't tell that story" lol

I always knew I would say "Don't sit on the back of the couch!"

But I didn't know I'd say it 10,000 times!!!!!!!!!!!

My son found our condoms

Brayden: mommy can I have some gum?

Me: we don't have any son

Brayden: (holding.condom packets) yes we do daddys been hiding them in undies and not sharing

Me: bray how many times have.I told you to stay out of there thats big people gum itll hurt u

Brayden: mommy im 3 im a big boy

Ayvah don't lick the tiles.

Ayvah don't eat the cat.

Ayvah don't stick you tongue in that.

Ayvah get out of the cupboard.

Ayvah don't eat the couch.

I could go on forever.

No put the vibrator back in the drawer and shut it!

Get that out of your ear!

"Elizabeth! Stop trying to eat the dog!" (She's only 8 months old)

stop licking the window

don't eat the dogs food

No Destiny they dont make kiddie thongs.

"No, no Bailey we eat food not the puppy". She keeps biting the poor dog lol

When my son struggled with a speech impediment...

"No honey, you broke your STICK! It starts with S, not D."

"Yes! I see the fire TRUCK! Keep practicing your "TR" sounds, you don't want to say that other word."

Please stop licking the oven.

Hahahaha! Awesome! Keep them coming!

"Please stop trying to lick mommy's tongue"

My son is only 10 months old and is WAY into inspecting people's tongues. Every once in a while he'll lean in lick the person's tongue. I'm on to him now but he's gotten a few unsuspecting family members lately ;)

I have so many... but today I was looking for my other tan heel and couldn't find it anywhere. I finally changed to black and left as I was running late. When I got home I went to get some juice and right there at the bottom of my refrigerator (on the inside) is my shoe. So today I had to say "Lets not put mommas shoes in the refrigerator. I prefer them warm, not cold." ;)

Me: stop playing with yourself, Tyler.

Tyler: But it sticks up in the morning and I need to put it down!

Me: That's NOT how you get it down, you have to stop touching it.