My 80/20 problem... My husband really is a wonderful man! He is a good provider, the best father, a hard worker, he…

So today is our 6 year wedding anniversary and last night I had yet another talk with him about my feelings and my needs. I was very proud of myself for not letting it turn into an argument as it usually does. He made excuses like he usually does and it didn't really go anywhere. He left the room and finished watching the Olympics but when he came back up and got in bed, he did give me a big hug and then he cuddled with me until we went to sleep! :-)

5 love languages, great book I would suggest you read it and take the quiz. I can probably tell you your love language but it'll be good to read it. see if your hubby will be willing to read it too, or justt take the quiz.

It's so interesting how us women are so different than each other... It's also very interesting how most of us ended up with our opposites! ;-)

Oh boy, maybe I should take some of this into consideration..

In my relationship it's the opposite! I'm the one who isn't very lovey and affectionate 0_o

He is amazing in every way and loves to cuddle an be close to me but I'm just not like that most of the time. I prefer to be comfortable and finding a cuddle position that is comfortable just doesn't work lol. He knows I love him very much but also knows I'm not a very affection person. (especially while pregnant lol) I'm the type of person that needs a lot of alone time and personal space or I start to feel overwhelmed. Same goes for my own daughter! Sometimes I just need to walk away from her and take a moment to myself.. I do my best with being more intimate but right now I just don't have the energy. In glad he is so understanding. I think I may look into the books you all are mentioning and try to teach myself a thing or two!

I will look into that Gottman book! I am always down for a good read, but hubby probably won't read it. He says it takes him too long to read so he never does. :-/

He has been doing a better job with texting. He will text every now and then and ask how my day is going or say he loves me! I really value those text messages as they mean so much!!

We are also going to the Gaylord National Harbor this weekend for our anniversary! I am so excited! No kids for an entire night! We are also eating dinner at their steakhouse, rated DC's most romantic restaurant! I'm hoping that a night away with just the two of us will help rekindle some of what we are missing so much, but we will see! :-D

my husband is very similar. we have a fantastic love for each other, I just wish sometimes he would be a bit more romantic & affectionate with me. His parents aren't affectionate at all. He just wasnt raised around hugs & kisses. He is slowly coming around, I have to tell him alot. He is amazing with our daughter ..

I really love that book. Even though it didn't change my marriage much (despite reading it together) I do find that I have a much better understanding of myself in ALL of my relationships. and I can be more patient with others as well. :)

now I'm reading: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.

there is a marriage retreat close to us that uses the principles from the book so if I like what they say I might suggest the retreat to my husband. I'm sure he'll go, he's always willing. I'm not super hopeful though. I don't think you can force someone to have those romantic "in love" feelings and while I feel my husband loves and respects me as a partner and mother, I don't think he is IN LOVE with me.

I can recommend you the book the five languages of love

It gives great insight in how we and others express our love and on hoe to sync so we understand eachother.

@swirly absolutely. I'm grateful that I am married to someone with many wonderful qualities. I will always make sure that as a wife and mother I'm doing the best I can. he'll come home to a clean house and happy children, probably dinner. I can just definitely relate to @excited though. my enthusiasm for dressing up in lingerie, leaving notes on the mirror, buying "just because" gifts and sending random loving text messages are coming to an end. I tried sending him a naughty photo the other day and he said he doesn't check his phone during the day so I shouldn't bother. :/

I'm sure, again, that he doesn't mean to be insensitive, or realize how much something like that hurts my feelings, but it can be very lonely to be married to someone who is happy to go through your married life not touching aside from a quick good morning or goodbye kiss, which I have to ask for. :/

lets start a support group. lol. I'll cuddle with you.

This sounds exactly like my dad. We call him "emotionally constipated" lol. I've talked to my mom about him many times before, and she wouldn't trade it for the world. She says he has been a great partner in life, honest, reliable, and predictable. He isn't a very mushy guy, and even I, his little girl, needs to be one the one to hug him, say I love you first, and invite him to do things. My brother, has issues with his lack of showing love.

My advice is to enjoy the parts of him you love...dearly. Try not to nag about his lack of emotion, for that is something very hard for some. And try to be the one who lays your head on his lap on the couch, write him sweet notes, and show him love in the way he perceives it. Maybe he will reciprocate, maybe you are just lucky to have an honest, hard working man, who loves you dearly is his own quiet way ;-). Be careful what you wish for!

Man, maybe we need a support group!! LOL!

My husband tries too and like I said, he is a really great guy! Just lacking in the department. I wouldn't trade the 80% that he does have for the 20% that he doesn't, I just WISH that he would just get how important it is to me!! We all need things and I need to feel like he is deeply in love with me. I know he loves me, but I want passionate love! Mor just the "you're my wife and mother of my children" love! I have told him more than once that we are "the best of roommates", but sometimes that is the extent of it. He just doesn't get it.

THEN, when I know I am doing things that tell him how much I love him and then him not even trying a little bit makes me angry and bitter!

@excitedmama we sound so, so similar. I'm sorry for you also. I definitely wish there was a way to communicate these needs better but there's no way to MAKE someone feel what you feel. :/

my husband really does TRY and I have to give him credit for it. I feel bad telling him that he's not trying the right things. I'm sure it must be frustrating for him.

having him say, "just because I don't want to cuddle/have sex/text/call/go on a date with you doesn't mean I don't love you, I DO love you, A LOT." just isn't what I NEED.

he tries to show me love by putting his socks in the laundry basket instead of on the floor sometimes, but that's not love. that's just being a good roommate. or doing something just because you're roommate will get mad if you don't. again...that's not how I perceive love.

I told my husband once that it was like the scene in 300 where they make the wall of bodies. he has a wall of dead complaints I've made and it's preventing him from really hearing what I need.

I would never leave my husband either, but if he ever suggests separate beds I don't think i would be all that surprised...

Aw this hit close to home. My so and I just had an argument about this. One of many. I wanted to spend the day with him but he was busy doing yard work. When I mentioned I wanted an us day he got defensive and angry. He thinks doing house chores is showing love. It got ugly. I'm now in bed with our son while he's down in the basement :(. I wish he understood I like affection and more sappy stuff...

We attend a couples small group every Thursday and actually did the 5 Love Languages last year. His 1st was "acts of service" and second was "words of affirmation". My first was "receiving gifts" and my second was "quality time". He thinks that by him doing the dishes, cleaning, and taking out the trash, that he is telling/showing me that he loves me... But while I appreciate those thins, they don't say "I love you". Conversely, receiving gifts doesn't mean fancy cars and diamond rings, it could be a note, a flower, an "I'm thinking I you" text or email. Just something that he went out of his way or thought about doing that was out of the norm.

When I found out his language, I tried my best to "speak" it. I started doing much more around the house, cleaning his car for him, doing his laundry (which he normally does)... It just went unreciprocated.

wow..it sounds like my dh too. A friend of ours gave us the 5 love languages. He didn't bother to read it. Weve been married 15 years and this is the one thing we constantly fight about. We have gone to counseling and everything and he will be brest for a few days and then right back to his old ways. on counseling he said he thought that helping out with household things and watching the kids was his way of showing affection. he doesn't understand the need I have to be shown that I am more than just the mother of his children...I want to be his lover too.

Wish I could say it gets better but it doesn't. I have learned to deal with it. I even try to make him jealous and still nothing.

I divorced a man after 11 years of the same, exact scenario. I'm remarried and happier than I've ever been.

I like the advice from random.. Try reading the 5 Love languages! I'm actually like your husband. I've always been that way due to my childhood. I don't like to be touched and I have to force myself to be affectionate with people because I know how much it means to them. It doesn't mean I don't love them but even therapy hasn't changed me. I'm a lot better than I used to be. Did his parents give him affection growing up?

wow it makes me sad that you ladies are having to put up with this... I'd suggest counselling..

My so and I are like this, we been together 8 years He was always touchy and grabby it annoyed me so now that Im pregnant its even more annoying but I am trying to cuddle more with him because I know it might hurt his feelings if I dont show affection.

The 80% is definitely worth more than the 20% to me! I love my husband so very much and I would never leave him! I just wanted some advice for how to make him more affectionate/romantic... Not necessarily complaining about the 20%. Like I said, he's a great man and father... I couldn't find anything better than him... It would just be nice to feel special every now and then.

My friend is very affectionate and needs touching. Her bf wasn't into that and she felt really rejected until she read the book The Languages of Love or something similar and it talks about how people show affection in different ways. I read part of it and it seems interesting. :)

My dh is like that as well. I finally decided that no one is perfect and 80% is pretty close as long as its the 80% you want. I am sure there is things he would change about me. Just decide if the 80% is worth it if he really won't change.

I kinda have the same issue. When I asked my dh, he said cuddling makes him horny...and unless we are going to have sex its frustrating for him.

I do initiate sex with him and most of the time he is receptive but for a while after I had the baby, he didn't seem very interested and would turn me down. He told me really didn't want to get pregnant again so he was staying away.

If I try to hug on him or kiss him, he usually pulls away. He has no interest.

I can't say he was very affectionate ever in our relationship, however before we were married we had sex ALL the time so I guess it didn't matter then because I knew how much he loved me and how attracted he was to me. After we got married and had our son, I went through a bad depression. The only time he ever touched me or cuddled with me was when he wanted sex. This made me angry because it made me feel like he only wanted me for sex and didn't care otherwise. This caused a lot of arguments and ultimately led to this, I think.

Has he always been like that? Even when you were dating? At least he says he's willing to work on it, a lot of guys probably wouldn't even try.. I have the opposite problem my dh is very touchy, that can also be an issue too!lol

Do you initiate it with him ever? Maybe he just doesn't know what he's missing.

@stacey - I'm sorry hun!! It really really sucks!! We as women understand that men need sex and respect. Why can't they understand we need love and affection? :-(

Wow. its like you read my mind today. my husband does not understand why I need a physically intimate relationship on top of the great emotional relationship we already have. he HONESTLY doesn't get it.

he's not a very physically affectionate person and doesn't need a lot of touching or compliments or really any romance at all. I often feel sometimes like he would be happy if we were just roommates who don't have sex with other people. :/ he is really a wonderful FRIEND, the best, in fact. but I'm not sure he understands how to be a HUSBAND, or even what the difference is. :/

I don't really have any advice, just commiseration. I would really like to feel like he's just a little bit in love with me. it feels silly to complain though since no relationship is perfect and it could be much worse. I just wasn't expecting the romantic love in our relationship to disappear so quickly. (we will be married two years in August.)

@annebelsmommy - I have accepted it because just like in your relationship, we are great in every other area. We have fun, we laugh, and everything I said in my original post just make him that much mor wonderful. It just makes me feel like I've lowered my standards a bit when it comes to the romance department and that just makes me really sad! I just need some affection in my life!!

@mominatrix - he lets me cuddle with him but he never initiates it. If I sit down right next to him, he will move or readjust to "get comfy".

My husband is the EXACT same way. He is amazing at every other aspect of our relationship except this :-/ we've been together for 10 years this October and so far nothing I've said or done has changed anything. I've kind of just had to learn to live with the fact that he isn't an affectionate person. I know he loves me, he just shows it in different ways. I'm sorry I can't be of any help :( but just know you aren't alone. I do love him with all my heart, and out relationship is wonderful in every other way. It just sucks when you have friends that are very lovey dovey and affectionate, it kind of stings some times, but like I said, I've just had to come to terms that he's just not that kind of person. Doesn't mean he loves me any less :)

What does he do if you go sit on his lap or cuddle up to him?

Bump!!