Trusting your Man
I'm appalled at how many women think its ok to not trust their men around little girls!!! Why in the world would you be with someone you can't trust in that way?!? I realize this is a touchy subject as many women have a reason to be mistrusting. But if that is the case then stay single or get help. It is not ok to expect a man to accept that you will always be questioning his intentions. Educate yourself on the warning signs of a molester. They are easy to spot once you know what to look for. Please, free your men from this irrational scrutiny!!! Whew! Glad I got all that out!
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I have been through extensive councilling for what i went through but i will never fully be over it and nor will i fully trust any man around my daughter and that includes family and my husband and you know what? i am ok with that. So is my counselor. She says it's okay to be cautious. It might even be smart. I am not at the point that i wouldn't let Hubby change her nappy. But i do watch male friends and family closely with her. Not everyone handles things the same and it's true some people need more counseling than others. It does not mean they are choosing to play the victim it simply means they are different. You may not have meant it to sound offensive but the OP came across as exactly that to those of us who deal with our past differently by being more aware if male company or those that still freeze or act out when triggered. We should be supportive of all victims and encourage them to seek help, or lend a virtual shoulder to release our fears on. Not beat them up for not having dealt with their abuse enough to trust those around them.
To OP and the other victims of abuse on this post i am so sorry for what you have been through and I am amazed at the power all women have to overcome such violations of trust x
Qt. I visit my grandmother. She is 86 and her health is failing. I reported my grandfather to the police when I was older and strong enough to do so. My parents continued to take me to their house for the entirety of my childhood. I understand that my grandmother was weak and comes from a different time before divorce was acceptable. Today my grandfather is 88. He has had two strokes and suffers from dementia. At first I was incredibly upset that he got to forget every evil thing he's ever done while we will always remember. But the times I have gone to visit my family I have realized that he is living in his own personal hell. He has lost his ability to communicate entirely and he is losing all his memories, even the ones he treasured.
I have lived with horrible nightmares that would wake me up in a cold sweat. I have suffered with anxiety disorder to the point of being medicated. I have paid my dues for what he put me through. I am stronger because of it and because my husband was willing to help me work through it all. He has been my rock and my fiercest advocate. I'm not sure if you were trying to "discredit" me with that question, but I've defended myself as best I can. Do what you want with it.
@bott no problem lol. People have different views and i just feel bad for the ladies that have a trust issue with people close to them because of what they went through and i feel bad for their SOs that are being looked at that way, My intention was not to offend anyone with saying they should seek help, but maybe it would help them learn to trust and have healthier relationships because its not healthy to have a relationship with out trust period. But your not talking about trusting your SO to not cheat, lie or do things behind your back your talking about thinking your SO may molest a child. I hope that made since.
Oh no i get it was their neice but if you can trust your SO around your neice how are you going to around your child is what i was trying to get at..... I didnt miss any thing i read both posts (that sentance was not ment to be rude at all lol it may have sounded that way). Also this post was more directed at the ladies that were saying she "she did the right thing" and "i would have done the same" i believe. im happy for OP in the other post she knows she has issues she needs to work through and is seeking help.
Working through issues together and excepting their baggage is one thing but if you cant trust them with THEIR child thats more than as little baggage that would seriously effect a relationship in a negative way. If you are being triggered by your SO and have a feeling he is (i dont really know how to word this but) capable of molesting a child or are leery of him with said child he prob isnt the man for you and i would not be bringing children into the world with him. Yes if you seen signs of him with potentially having that behavior than by all means accuse him and protect your child but than you need to LEAVE him, but dont put an innocent man through that he needs to have a healthy relationship with his child and its not healthy for the mother of his child not trusting him with his child for no reason. Your SO is not the one that did that to you he should not have to suffer a healthy relationship with his child because of something he had no control over. Yes work through it together but dont treat him like hes the bad guy. Again how would you feel if the tables were turned. (Really not trying to offend anyone if i did i am sorry. This is jmo on the matter. Not putting anyone down for their feelings but I really do hope those of you who do have this issue will be able to overcome it so you can learn to have healthy relationships.)
@saremm I don't either.
I had a very very bad childhood and you are right I'm not looking for sympathy I am a strong woman. Even stronger because of it all.
I just want all of these women to understand the other side of it.
My husband is an incredible man. That's why I married him. But there's always uncertainty.
And no matter what if I ever have anything to do with it my daughter will never know the hurt and pain that I know. The betrayal alone is enough to break a person but add that to the physical pain. The scars and memories. Seeing their faces when you close your eyes?
If it was one of your daughters who had trust issues due to abuse would you want her to not progress in her life because of what was done to her?
would you want her to be with a man that couldn't accept her as she is and help her grow and help her work through it all.
That's how my husband earned the trust that I do have for him. But we all have to start somewhere.
It is a constant work in progress.
But it shouldn't control your life.
I don't feel I need to protect them from him really.
But I do feel it is my obligation as a parent to do the hard stuff and be vigilant keep my guard up and watch for signs and do a better job than my parents did fr me.
If that involves offending someone, DH, uncle, aunt, cousin, anyone well that's too bad because my daughter is 110% number one on my priority list.
If I feel I have something to worry about w my DH I will be straight forward and honest wth him.
I don't think I ever will but if it comes to that as awful as it may be I will get to the bottom of it.
It's awful to question someone and make them feel like you don't trust them, but it worse finding out your child has been abused and you have done nothin about it.
Im sorry if you ladies found what i said offensive but Imo if your issues are that deep still you need to work through them before having babies with your SO itas not fair to him to not trust him with HIS child its not and look at him like he would harm them and its not fair to pass them issues on to your child because it will effect their relationship with their father and if the tables were turned and he thought that of you you would be very offended imagion if someone thought you would molest your child how would that make you feel. Sorry if people think this is offensive but if your past still bothers you to the point that you cant trust the man you "love" than you do need counciling for your own sake to live a healthier life.
8.
Count them.
????????
8
Men molested me as a child.
One of which raped me at the age of 11.
Nothing is cut and dried with a situation like that.
I'm sorry I was rude but some of these women are not only quick to judge but they are also not looking at the big picture and it really offends me.
It sounds like you have found a way to let it go and move on. That's wonderful and shows what a strong woman you are. Again, I'm sorry if I offended you. I stand by my beliefs, but it doesn't sound like my rant pertains to your situation.
I trust my husband more than I've ever managed to trust anyone in the world.
I don't think he would do anything like that.
But I am also very aware that anyone is capable of anything.
He is aware of My past and is able to be understanding and help me deal.
Why isn't it "if he can't deal with the issues she comes with he shouldn't have married her. "
The "if you don't trust him you shouldn't have married him" and "if it bothers you they much you shouldn't be having children" is crap I'm not going to let the people that hurt me hold me back in my life ever again. Even if there are remnants of what I've been through I will not let that trash stop me in my tracks.
I never said stay single forever. I'm sorry if my wording is offensive. I can change it. It's not my intention to belittle what anyone has gone through, or to tell them to remain celibate their whole lives.
I'm sorry for what you've been through, Janie. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to move past all that. I understand being cautious and wanting to protect your children.
Bott- well said! Op you can't expect someone to stay single forever. That's irrational. It's true you can't exactly say anything about what these women should feel unless your in their situation. I'm sure they trust there husbands but just have a thought in the back of their heads. They can be extra careful. It's not true that u can always spot the signs. Sometimes it's a complete shock to everyone! There's nothing wrong with being extra careful. Sexual abuse is very traumatic and It's totally normal to have trust issues. I'm sure their husbands fully understand!
Ugh this pisses me off so f*** ing bad.
Good for those of you who "recovered"
That's is amazing for you!
Apparently those of us who chose to live our lives the best we can even through the s*** that we have been through.
You're f*** ing right I got married.
You're damn right I am having a baby.
And seeing as how ALL of my step fathers nephews and sons molested/raped me from the time I was 4 years old until my parents kicked me out at 15 you are goddamn right I watch EVERY SINGLE PERSON around EVERY SINGLE CHILD. because its been instilled in my head since as far back as I can remember that you trust NO ONE.
People who want to judge and say that I shouldn't have a marriage or have children because I'm terrified of my children having to go through that are judgmental and heartless and have no f*** ing idea what they're talking about.
I'm sorry you feel that way. I feel very strongly about working through trauma and becoming a survivor instead of a victim.
My mom never healed. She ruined her marriage and passed on her anxiety to me. If she had dealt with her father's abuse, then I would have had a much better childhood. And would have had much less to work through as an adult. There is a reason I feel so strongly about women getting help BEFORE they have children. I never said triggers were irrelevant. I said that there is a way to deal with them that does not include following an irrational impulse to protect a child from your partner. Not everyone has to follow my path. Any path that leads to having a fulfilling and mutually trusting relationship is good.
Clover, I don't think you've actually read any of my responses. Yes, I have triggers. Yes, I am cautious with my children. It is a matter of trust. By letting the irrational fear take over you end up treating your partner with suspicion even if you know they would never do anything. If you can't trust your partner to protect your children 100% then there are some issues to be worked through before you have children together. I don't think that's an outrageous statement to make. I feel for women that have experienced what I have and worse. I know how difficult and painful the healing process is. But it is infinitely better than wondering "what if" about the man that you are making babies with.
some women may not understand unless you been raped some women get over it and some dont it took awhile for me to feel 100% comfortable with my husband and sometime i still feel sic when having sex and memorys flash back. she might trust him and now having a girl is opening old wounds now im not saying to doubt your husband
Me, my sister & my younger cousins was molested by my uncle. He was the father of my two cousins, one female & one male. So I do NOT believe you can be too safe! Because of this way of "thinking" my aunt didn't listen to me when I told her what he had done. He then hurt my little sister & my cousins. Finally after years of abuse something was finally done. I do not trust anyone, not even a woman. My husband & I have talked about this issue. I believe I can trust him but if my child ever says someone touched or hurt them I would go crazy. I would listen the first time not allow it to happen because I want to believe someone I love or know would do that.
I don't think its about living in fear of men its about being cautious and protective over whom comes into contact with you're children.
Also you must realize that going through trauma like being sexually abused can also make a women whom becomes a mother later in life not protect her child and be too trusting of others it goes both ways!
I did not understand you're post because I never noticed any women on any post saying they are married and live in constant fear that their husbands will sexually abuse their children as you stated so you took everything way out of context.
We understand how well you cope and fully got over you're abuse and moved on and you don't have triggers or concerns or worries about any men coming into contact with you're children.
But I think its safe to say most women never abused still feel the need to protect their children and be cautious of whom is around their children. I have a certain amount of trust for the men in my circle to be around my kids when I am around but I would not allow those same ppl to watch over my children alone. And that's not blaming my issues on them its about setting boundaries. That's why I say to a certain extent you never fully trust anybody 100% with the safety of your children at least I would not risk that.
First, you took those quotes out of context which made a huge difference in the meaning and intention of them. I never blame the victim. I do, however, hold everyone accountable for their own behavior. If a woman is not ready to trust a man then she needs to take more time to heal. It has nothing to do with being triggered. I get triggered too by smells like beer. It is how we react to those triggers that counts. I don't let the irrational fear take over and have control of my actions. I wouldn't be happily married if that was the case. I am asking women not to further the abuse by blaming a loved one for someone else's actions. As for not recognizing an abuser, you're absolutely right. There is no 100% guaranteed way to spot a predator. But is it worth living in fear of every man for the rest of your life? My advice was to get some training and education to help even the odds of being able to identify suspicious behavior. I never called anyone uneducated. I simply pointed out that a good way to feel empowered is through education on predators and signs of abuse.
In total agreement with botticelli!
Op you had the therapy and counseling and worked through those trust issues so you beenthere before.
You're not a expert on spotting a predator. You can get all the training you want. But coming from a the advice of a detective who spend 25 yrs in sex crimes division you can never pin point every child predator in your community nor the ones in you're family they are,usually the ones you least suspect.
She wasn't the person I was frustrated with. It was all the others saying that she was right to mistrust her fiancé.
Like I said before, I have been trained in grief counseling. Specifically, on how to spot a predator. I used my experience to empower myself and help other women through the same.
The issue was hers and she said she was willing to deal with it through therapy as she was not married to him yet and no they had no children either.
So like you she just needs the opportunity to work through her past and those trust issues to get through it all. It doesn't come overnight the trust. She needs to get to know her fiance better than she may start to feel differently.
Honestly I was molested by one of my brothers when I was little I have no contact with him at all. My other brother I trust with my whole heart with myself and my child. It's hard to get over the fact that you've been hurt, by a family member you trusted and makes you rethink a lot of things. I trust my oh completely with any child, but anyone else besides my oh, my good brother, and my baby grandpa it would be hard to to automatically trust them.
Not a simpleton, just not educated on how to spot the warning signs. Jenn, it was based on a post about about a woman not trusting her fiancé with her niece. He sounds like a good guy. The issue is hers.
I do understand! I was molested by my grandfather when I was 9 years old. I told my parents and nothing was done and we continued to visit as if nothing had ever happened. Im pretty sure he molested my mom as a child, too. He molested several other cousins before and after me, but I never let him get close to my baby sisters. I know exactly what it's like to recover. I also know what it's like to use a past experience as an excuse for irrational behavior. I have been trained in a women's shelter on how to protect yourself and your children. I am vigilant when it comes to their safety. However, at home, I have complete and total faith in my husband and in my male friends and family.
IMO if you are still that scared you should not be having kids with your SO before you have overcome that part of your life its not fair to your SO that you are sacred he is going to molest your child or any child for that matter and you will be hurting your child in the long run not trusting their father with them. You will also be putting a major strain in your relationship i know if my SO was thinking i would do that to a child i would not stick around very long it would be a major insult.
Yesterday I went out with my boyfriend went to watch a movie, me and him don't live together yet. but point is yesterday when he was dropping me off his like sleep over at my house witch the mom and dad lives. I said no,
his response was why is everyone deciding or making choices for you and their going to do the same with the baby, when I know that's not true. what he thinks is that my mom tells me not to sleep over. So he left all mad. and I felt in my heart that he went on and cheated on me...
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Botticelli, thank you.
Chazzy, I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. If my husband or any other person in my life gave me a reason to be suspicious I would not hesitate to look into it. But I won't look or accuse without justification. Any woman that has survived abuse is strong and capable of living a fulfilling and complete life. It can take lots of tears and strength but I believe that every woman can find her own way to heal. I did not mean to offend. I'm sorry.