He's in jail
It's been almost 2 years since I've received any sort of communication with my son, that I gave up for adoptions parents. Yesterday was my birthday and guess what I woke up to this morning? An email from his parents. I was so excited until I opened the email to find out that they are writing to let me know he's been sentenced to a juvenile detention center. Why you may ask? Armed robbery. Clearly they are doing a stellar job raising my kid ????
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My brothers been in and out of jail since he was 12 years old now 34. My parents were absolutely wonderful parents. Always there for us my parents did whatever they could to try and prevent/help him out. My brother to this day still blames my parents for HIS mistakes. So right now by YOU blaming the parents for HIS decisions you are allowing him to do so in the future. I'm sorry you're going thru this especially on your birthday :(
I am sorry squish ? this is not good news and I would imagine it has a flood of emotions for you. I hope that this teaches him to get back on a better path and perhaps choose better friends. I also hope that his adoptive parents get him the help he needs with his disorders and start to include you in positive communications they said they would. Since they lied about their agreements for an open adoption, I would be a bit worried about their parenting tactics as well. Maybe you can talk to him like pps suggested. Hugs to you and happy belated birthday
I'm so sorry. You must feel very helpless in this situation. I have a friend who gave her son up for adoption to a woman she knows when he was 2 years old & it was supposed to be an open adoption as well. The adoptive mother used that to her advantage. Only allowing visits & communication when she wanted something from the birth mom. Such as wanting her to be her housekeeper & things like that. The little boy ended up being very troubled by age 10. Anyway, I hope your son gets the help he need for his problems & turns out to be a happy, healthy adult. You all are in my thoughts. Happy Birthday.
Omg I'm so sorry. What a horrible email to receive on your birthday. If the other boy is being charged as an adult wouldnt his sentencing be put in The paper..? Maybe if you have a general idea where they live you could figure it out? Could your hubby get the IP address from thier email! And then you could look and try and visit or at least go to the court? If you wanted?
Idk I would be pissed if I were in your shoes. I can't imagine the pain of being forced into adoption.. And then when that happens you try to tell yourself he has a better life. ?? I'm so sorry!! Hugs!!!
I'm sorry to hear that.
I'm also going to add that it's not always the parents fault. He's a 15 year old boy who probably got in with the wrong crowd, you can teach your kid to respect, not do drugs, not to drink etc. but it's up to them if they are going to listen, he's 15 he's old enough to know better. Some of the nicest, most respectful, well raised teenagers end up becoming murders, druggies, and thieves. You can't always blame the parents.
I'm sorry, Squishy, that you woke up to an e-mail like that.
I know you have said that you won't be convinced that the blame does not lay solely with the adoptive parents, and that is certainly your right to do so, especially as you can't do anything to change your son's situation. That can be tough to experience, and I can't begin to say that I understand it.
What I can tell you is that I've worked with a lot of kids over the years as a social worker and I have seen both sides of the coin. There are kids from troubled/unstable environments that make bad choices that land them in detention centers and there are kids from stable environments that end up in the same place for making bad choices.
There are honestly too many factors that influence the decisions that youth make that result in situations similar to the situation your son is in.
Either way, I can't imagine the pain you feel from receiving that e-mail, but I hope that you have some supports to help you through this. If you don't, consider seeing a therapist yourself, just to talk through your feelings. I hope that things turn around for your son and my thoughts are with you, Squishy.
Squishy, I'm so sorry you got that news. I agree with you wholeheartedly. Different children deal with authority differently. So it is up to parents to adjust their parenting to fit that particular child. A good parent is one who responds to their child's needs in a developmentally appropriate way. It is absolutely up to the adoptive parents to understand that adoption can be hard on children and to provide the proper assistance and resources. And not treating known conditions in some way is clearly negligent.
I truly am sorry that this has all been such a negative experience in your life. I can't imagine the helplessness and frustration you must feel. I'm here if you need support or if you just want to b**** about the whole situation.
My BIL is 15, he has nice parents. They are devoted to him. They spoil him, they go to all his school events. And me and DH always try to be active and just be like, hey, don't do this or that. But nope. He acts out. When he's in public he shouts racist things at people walking and records them like its funny. One time we were at a chicken&waffle place and was like talking about white people and said "fckn white people" while he was sitting next to them.
These things you can't stop... Kids rebel like PP said. The parents can be saints but if the kid is conflicted but doesn't reach out positively, it does no help to the parents...
I can definitely understand not being able to look at this objectively right now - you gave your child to a couple with expectations that he would grow into a respectable young man, that they would keep him safe from harm and keep him on the straight path. 15 years later, he's been incarsarated.
The only thing I can say that hasn't been said is every child is different. Whether this was their first or 15th child, hes an individual who was old enough to know this was a bad idea. The parents have done what they thought best so far - they may have screwed up but they are probably just as distraught and upset as you are. They are probably asking "where did we go wrong?" And "how do we fix this?"
You need someone to blame - and that's okay right now...but at some point, you may need to recognize that your little boy is not so little anymore and he made a very adult decision with adult consequences. That isn't on his parents unless they said "go rob this store for me".
I was about to say something similar to Mini, maybe it's more about his disorders and less the way he was raised. I think turning down the therapy was the wrong move, but maybe they tried other outlets? The entire situation is very sad. Hopefully it was a case of him being influenced by the wrong people and with them being removed from his life he can get on the right path.
Pp detention centers are normally pretty strict when it comes to juveniles. Where i worked we had an approved list that was immediate family only and only those people could write the kids. Can you ask about being put on his call list or even visitation list if he lives close enough? You also can see about attending his court trial.
Eta: you would have to call the center and have it approved by administration. The guardian actually has no say in who's on the list. We took parents off constantly for different reasons. You would have to get approval from the center itself. At least that's how it was where i worked. It may be different for other places.
So, you have no way of knowing if they got him counseling or not since they never responded...
RAD is attachment issues. Many adopted kids struggle with attachment issues. I know you are angry and need someone to blame, but sometimes situations create emotional turmoil for children and the adults involved in the situation are not to blame for it.
Nope when they are 18 (and even before then for many other "natural parent/child") it's in their/our hands. I'm open to whatever contact he wants to have at whatever time in his life.
I actually just quit my job as a co at a juvenile detention center. I can say that i know first hand that its not all in the way they were parented. I've seen some horrible parents, and I've seen some that would do anything to help their children, and have done everything in their power to help them be successful. A lot of the time we get kids with severe crimes, it is normally a group thing. They are usually with friends who influence them. A lot of kids just get in to a bad crowd, they makes stupid decisions. At his age, this is not uncommon at all. I'm sorry that you had such a horrible birthday. But its not fair to blame the parents for this. We had a 16 year old boy who was just bonded over as an adult for attempted murder. He had just been transferred to maximum security prison when i left. His parents were to most kind and loving people i had ever met. And most of these kids are not bad kids, my job was to spend 8 hours or more of my day interacting with them. A lot of them are actually very smart, kind hearted children who take a wrong turn, then you do have the kids who are just trouble makers. But i can say that the boy who was in there for attempted murder was my favorite, he was a sweetheart who made a decision that ruined his life. And his parents were the sweetest people i have ever met. And they did everything to try to help him.
Is there laws stating what kind of contact you can have once he turns 18? Like can it he whatever you/him want? Would you persue further contact?
I wonder if maybe they allowed more of a relationship with you and your children while growing up, if he would be better adjusted and not acting out.
No. They do not want me involved, it was a "here's all the issues we are having with him" email which is their typical communication over the last 15 years. They don't email unless something is wrong in their life, with him. I begged them to reconsider therapy when he got the ODD and RAD diagnosis. They never responded to that.
We can contact each other. It doesn't mean they actually respond though. I email them for every holiday to wish them merry Christmas/birthday/Easter what not. I don't receive responses ever. But I still send them. They only email me when they have a problem. Our "adoption agreement" included a lot of open communication, pictures and visits. They didn't legally have to adhere to that. So they didn't.
I'm not legally entitled to that information Charli. So unless they tell me, I have no legal way of finding out that information because he's a minor.
Al....it was supposed to be. They closed it after I signed the relinquishment papers. We've had very little contact over the last 15 years. They only email me when they have issues with him. That's the extent of communication.
Hopkins, they said he's been remanded to the detention center and is awaiting sentencing snd pled guilty. The other boy he was with is being charged as an adult. That's all I know. I emailed them back, but I don't anticipate a response.
I'm sorry you're dealing with that. It really is a slap in the face to give your child up so they can have a good life, and it backfires. But he can come back from this, this doesn't mean he'll be choosing the wrong road forever. I'm sure he will learn his lesson. Keep your head up.
A lot of children who are adopted struggle to find their identity and may act up more. But blaming you for giving him up for adoption would be just as inaccurate as blaming his adoptive parents (who you chose). It helps no one anyway. The responsibility lays squarely on his shoulders.
I'm really sorry, I know you must feel terrible.
Also, I mean this to cause no offensive at all but when you say "they're doing a great job at raising my kid" it makes it seem like adoptive parents are just renting out a kid to raise and they're not truly theirs, and I think that's unfair to them. And obviously blame does fall on the parents but it's hard to know the circumstances, sometimes you just can't control your teen. I'm sending my best wishes for all involved though ❤️
It's not fully on the parents... My brother turned into a drug addict at age 14. My parents did everything they could to get him on the right path, everything... Just some kids get caught up with the wrong crowd and they do things to look "cool", to be in the popular crowd. Don't automatically put the blame on the parents.
Our last communication was to tell me of his RAD and ODD diagnosis, and that they've decided against therapy for both. Clearly that worked for them.
If he knows he was adopted he may be acting out in anger wondering why he was given up.
Just something to think about.
As pp has said kids rebel. Not something any of us wants to imagine but sometimes it happens. He obviously has some issues going on but until he speaks no one will know what they are.
Don't automatically assume it's due to his parents and how they've raised him.
I will not be convinced that a lot of the blame for a 15 year old going to jail for armed robbery, does not fall squarely on the shoulders of the people raising him.
Sorry squish. I know you struggle with this a lot, but kids rebel. I don't think it's fair to just blame the parents. My cousin is a heroin addict and has been to jail dozens of times. His mom was a juvenile prosecutor and did everything in her power to help him. She lost her ability to practice law and lost everything trying to help him.
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Sorry but his "parents" are shxt! This adoption was suppose to be an open one but as soon as they got her baby, they cut off their end of communication with her. The only time they even contact her is to tell her all the negative things her son is doing. Those people are straight up a****** s and I wish Squishy was in a better situation when she birthed him so she wouldn't have had to give him up. Cuz this is ridiculous.