***TRIGGER WARNING***

I can't believe in a week and 2 days instead of celebrating you being a month and 1 days old Marc, we will be laying you to rest with our family who has passed before you. It is so sad to know the pain never gets easier and the only thing I can hold on to in this life till I meet you again is your blanket, lock of hair, the picture we have of you and the necklace I have with your ashes. I cry myself to sleep a lot thinking of what or who you would of become in this life i...

Sorry I have not been on lately, but I would rather not ruin other peoples moods. Since my son passed and I had to give birth to him after he passed away at almost full term, I feel so angry and annoyed by other mothers who are giving birth or have given birth and get to love there babies and watch them grow. I feel so guilty for feeling this way but I can't control it.

Yesterday was my baby boys service. Marc mommy loves you so much. Daddy loves you too. Your sisters love you so much and your brother does to. I got to bring your ashes home. Some of you is with your uncle, but mommy and daddy have you over our hearts. Our necklaces as your sister says, daddy has the left side and mommy has the right side of your heart.

Instead of spending the last couple of days thinking about what it was going to be like to bring my baby boy home to take care of. I have spent the last couple of days crying and feeling my heart break, I've spent the last couple of days planning a funeral service perfectly for my Angel Baby! RIP Marc Tillman-Alexander Freeland-Stannard. Mommy loves you and even though I can't hold you I look up to the stars and sing you a lullaby at night and during the day.

Just really hate my life.... I lost my baby... Fly high angel mommy will never forget you!

I just want my baby

Today has been hectic.... I got up at 6 am to get my almost 2 year old up for his 3 day a week school program for his speech. Had pop tarts with him because that's all I could get him to eat. Then got him showered and dressed. By 7 am I was getting my 7 year old twins up so they can have a light breakfast and showers before they leave for school. Put my son on his bus at 7:20am, then my youngest daughter was up and getting breakfast while her sisters got on the bus at 7:40am.. By 8:30 she was in...

Feeling the need to hide from everyone and everything...I'm so over feeling alone

Headed to L&D... Contractions are strong and 5 to 7 minutes apart....

So had my ultrasound done due to measuring big and baby boy is measuring at 39 weeks 4 days. I'm so nervous way more than usual