****VERY LONG VENT-

I can't stop blaming my s/o for our financial struggles. Its like doing extra to earn more money is a sin to him. We live is NYC and btw rent and daycare, I literally feel sick to my stomach. We literally work to pay daycare because I cannot stay home. I earn more than he does and I usually pay the rent in full in addition to other expenses. I'm so sick of it. Sometimes I feel as though he's mad at me for having a masters degree and making more money( my roll as work is very demanding as I'm a manager) We want to buy a house ( or maybe its just me) but no savings. What is he doing about it? Nothing! I work full time and pick up the kids from daycare and he picks up our other son from school. When I get home, no dinner so I start on that. Then I'm by myself for the night because he goes to work. To add insult to injuries, he made $1000 on the side by selling some items on ebay, knowing we had to save to get a used family van. My hubby decieds to spend all the money + more to buy a new professional camera. We did not discuss this huge purchase and I didnt know about it till I asked him to lend me some money. I have never done anything like that in the 8 years we've been together even if it was my own earned money. I respected him enough to consult with him first. What he did solidified his mindset and the value he has for this family. Idk if I'm taking it too far but I just can't get over it. At the end, he did return the camera and bought a less expensive one, however too little too late.

Also, my aunt who is a pastor came to visit from out of state. She stayed at my mom's house but visited my house as well. She had to pull me aside and caution me on resting and making sure I'm physically and mentally well. She told me to find something to do on my own and leave the kids for their father so I can find myself. That tells you I do so much. He says he appricates me all the time but his actions says the opposite. I'm at a stage of isolation from friends and I keep the majority away from my family. Only my mom and aunt knows the details of my struggle. Idk what to do anymore.

Ooh he becomes spiteful when I don't give him intercourse ( trying to be modest lol). Not understaning that I am exhausted from work, kids, chef, driver, and everything eles that a mom supposed to be. If it was 50/50 maybe ill want him more but its not and I don't.

To tried to show him to see that I'm trying for the extra income, I got an on call side job the that pays very well if and when I get a case. Has he made efforts? Uber eats and all he did was download the app, not one Dilivery yet.

I'm just gonna keep it all in prayer.