*I had originally planned to post this to my Facebook account, but chickened out because I'm scared of any backlash. I feel like I'd only be greeted with pity if I do.. so here I am.. might post there, but for now, here.*
today a man told me "You can make yourself happy, you know?" I just nodded and said "Yeah." I wanted to say "Do you even know what it feels like when someone makes the smallest negative comment and it breaks you down inside? what feels like to tell yourself everyday that you belong on this earth, for a reason. that today will be better when your mind rips you apart and reminds you how you truly feel about yourself? how just looking at someone's face when they speak to you makes you feel like you looked too long and they'd wish you disappeared? that when people look at you. it feel like they only see a stupid child that's just looking for attention? that when you finally ask anyone for help, all you can think is that they'll say no and only see you as a burden or annoying? how going into a store is such a battle because you see everything you want/ need, knowing there's no point because when you die, it won't matter. or that seeing everything is so much pressure that you just shut down and wander because you don't want anyone to notice you having a breakdown? that even taking a few steps outside and looking around just reminds you how small you are to the rest of the world? like your lonely existence doesn't matter? do you know that I lay awake at night telling myself I need to sleep so I can wake up early the next day and be the best me I can be? only to wake up late, again, and restart the whole dreary process from scratch? to see so many happy people walking around and wondering, 'am I alone?' every single day is a battle because I fight my mind to be happy and it's the hardest thing when I know that no matter how hard I want it, I keep letting myself down. as well as everyone around me. sure I'll laugh continuously throughout the day at random things, but when I do, a huge part of me tells me to shut up because no one cares what I think is funny nor do they wanna hear a peep out of me. I have my close family and a few friends. but I can't be happy knowing how unhappy that huge part of me is that shuts me down. it feels like a giant shadow pulling me out of my body. I go numb as I move through the world. my body moving on its own while my minds afloat. I'm not me and I don't know how to help myself. how do I come back? how can I make myself happy? how is it so simple in your mind? I'm terrified."
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If it were so simple as "you can make yourself happy", then no one would ever feel the way that you do. I'm sorry that you feel so small. As cliche as it is to say though, your life is significant and you do matter. Lean on your friends and family for some support--especially when you're feeling low. I do think that medication has a time and place, and I want to encourage you to see your doctor and try some medication to help you. I was in a very bad place when I was pregnant this last time around, and I started on Zoloft. It seriously helped me to feel more mentally stable and more like the "old me". But you have to be honest when you see your doctor, tell them about your feelings and concerns. I felt so weak trying to explain what was going on, but it got me the help I seriously needed to get back on track. It's worth a shot.
I think that whatever I write, you may have heard before. But maybe I’ll explain it in a different way. Because yes, we are so small compared to the universe.. but that’s only physically. We are more than our physical bodies. We are emotion..we are thoughts..we are love, anger, sadness, fear, joy, triumph. How you allow your spirit to glide through these things, is how you will become unafraid of your feelings and doubts. Trust that you are more than your body. You are a soul. A mother. A daughter. Love has been laced through you from you parents and now onto your kids. Focus on being present. Don’t judge your mistakes, don’t compare your achievements to others, we are all on a different path and all find it eventually.
I lived like this for a long time. The only thing that's even remotely helped me has been medication. Even with that it took a long time to reverse all the damage my self hate caused. It's a miserable way to live. I hope and pray someday and somehow you find peace in this world. ❤
There’s a book called “The Untethered Soul” by Micheal A Singer - I think you’d love it. Appreciate and celebrate your depth regardless of the content being dark and introspective; bravo on the exceptional writing 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 write this on Facebook - let people give you advice or talk shit. You are an ocean among streams - just look at your consciousness. Give yourself some grace...