Why I've decided... To never say "when are you going to have kids?" or "you'd understand if you had kids" to a childless…

I don't ask people when they're going to have to kids but I do stick with the opinion of "you wouldn't understand unless you had children". I don't just say it all willy-nilly, but for example if people get annoyed I can't hang out with them because I don't have a sitter and my husband is working. If they don't have kids then they don't understand that no, I will not leave my child with a neighbor I have met once to go out to dinner with you guys. But, I see what you're saying and I agree with the first part, you never know what people are going through.

I never thought about that. I won't be doing it anymore either.

It's honestly nobody's business except for the couple. But that doesn't stop people from prying and basically asking when a couple is going to have sex and produce children. I believe it's an ice-breaker and since people just assume many people like kids, they bring it up. Also, it's in our biological nature to reproduce, so I think people just make assumptions.

Yea I agree with a pp. I also never ask this question. My older brother is 26 and he has been with his gf 7 years and engaged for two. I know a lot of people wonder why they don't have children or when they will especially because my younger sister has a one year old already and I'm pregnant with my first. But me and my SO ttc for years before I got pregnant. We also didn't know what was wrong or why I wasn't getting pregnant. We tried everything. And everytime someone asked us when we were going to try for a baby it hurt. I would just smile and say we weren't ready for children. But we were and had been for a while. I had to lie for years and say we didn't want children right then. And I had every excuse in the book as to why we didn't have children. Eventually I found out my tubes were blocked and I had a large cyst on my tubes. When I had surgery to fix the issue I immediately got pregnant the next month. But the point is, I don't ask because I don't know someone else personal situation or what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe my brother and his gf wanted to buy a house first.. Maybe they wanted to be married first.. Or maybe they just tried and tried and couldn't have kids. You never know.

Over this last summer, my aunts cornered me at a family BBQ and were interrogating me as to when my older sister was going to have a baby. I was so pissed. My parents raised me not to ask those questions. I calmly told them I didn't know and I was waiting for them to announce news if there was any. (I know she's been TTC for over a year and is having trouble but that's not their business.) I really wanted to yell at them but I kept it together. My cousin has PCOS and struggled to have her 2 kids. They should all back off and quit being nosy.

My step son is always asking if I want a baby, if I'm ever going to have a baby and why I'm not going to have a baby. I wish he were old enough to understand it's just not possible for me. I understand he's little and doesn't know better, but it still hurts. :(

Haha! I agree, PP

This post needs to be celebrity endorsed as a "The more you know!" commercial. People definitely need to be schooled on infertility sensitivity.

This is the worst question ever, especially for how painful it can be for those who are struggling with conceiving. It is beyond personal. I'd rather discuss anything than this topic!!

From the opposite side of the coin, my husband and I just passed our fourth wedding anniversary and the questions started since day one. We told the same people over and over again that we are not having children. Over the years, we were still hounded as if our decision for our life wasn't up to their standards.

Well, we got a little surprise human growing right now and just announced it to our families. They were all thrilled and supportive. However, some said they were happy because they said they "thought we couldn't have children". I was beyond appalled because these have been the same people hounding us to have children all these years. I could not express to them enough how while i have always found their comments to be rude, they would have also been sickeningly insensitive if that had been the case. Unfortunately, even a good shaming will not stop some of these people.

Dh and I tried for 10 yrs to conceive the blessing I'm carrying now. I too, dreaded this question, from family friends and strangers. We thought we would never be able to have kids, never knew what was wrong. It hurt. I was depressed every time my period came. I or we would answer the question with "we are working on it!" Its a depressing question for those ttc, so I never ask anyone this question, you never know someone's struggle.

I never ask this type of question for this exact reason. You don't know what or why things are the way they are. The absolute worst for us was when my dd was 4 and we had been ttc for two years with no success - so many people, even strangers would ask HER when she was going to be a big sister. So horrible. I just started being frank with people when they would ask. At least they got the point that they were bringing up a sore subject and maybe wouldn't do it again to someone else.

I agree! Even when people might mean well it can be hurtful or rude. I never ask people about it!

But (partially because of this) dh and I just tell everyone everything before they even ask. We told people when we started ttc, when we realized we were having problems, what they were, how Dr. was going to help us, etc. And now with ttc #2 we already told everyone we are starting clomid again in march.

This might not be everyone's cup of tea but it has worked really well for us and has given us a lot of support :)

So sorry PP! Congrats on your precious baby boy! :-)

Thank you op now if only we can get everyone to stop asking. My husband and I tried for 6 years with no luck. We both had a multitude of investigations and operations during this time to find out why we weren't conceiving until finally we went through ivf twice before conceiving my son. I can not tell you how many people told us we had to hurry up before we got too old, asked if we didn't like children, when were we going to have them, why don't we have them. Etc etc.

it is extremely painful like everyone is throwing your infertility in your face all the time. It's painful enough going through that without having it brought to your attention continuously.

I agree you never know what's going on with someone behind closed doors. I had a mc in September and when I returned to work a couple of people asked me when I was having another baby. They didn't know about the mc but it didn't make the question hurt any less.

Yes, I think most people don't intentionally mean to be rude or insensitive, I think they just don't know any better.

My bro and SIL I was talking about in my OP also want to adopt 2 kids from Sierra Leone and my other SIL asked her "what, you just don't want to have kids of your own??" Not only is that extremely rude and unsupportive, she had no idea about the other struggles.

I wish more people realized the harm their words can have. We are coming on our 3rd anniversary of ttc.

Whenever I am asked "when are you guys going to pop one out?" No good thoughts flood through my head. Infertility is an extremely painful roller coaster of emotions.

There's no a happy medium if you aren't vocal about your infertility ppl essentially ask you about your sex life when they ask when you'll have kids. Then when you are vocal about it, all you get is, "well good thing you don't have kids.. Blah blah blah"

Sorry but this is a very dear to me struggle and I could flood this post with my experiences with insensitive ppl.

It took me a year to conceive each of my kids but I know for some people it's longer or doesn't happen so I would never ask that, unless it was a close friend.

I agree with you OP. I used to ask childless couples without thinking twice until I learnt my best friend had a miscarriage nd now difficulties trying to conceive. Now I realize how insensitive it can be so I stopped asking and just kind my own business.

A close friend of mine had a miscarriage when she was only a few weeks along. Shortly after this, people would ask her "when are you going to have kids". She said she just wanted to die inside, the question hurt so much.

When people would ask us when we're having kids or why we hadn't had then yet, I look them right in the eye and say:

"You're awfully interested in what happens in my sex life."

That usually makes people so uncomfortable they shut up. And I don't feel like I am expect to explain that my thyroid was f-ed up for 9 months before we figured out what was wrong.

People are too nosey for their own good.

My son is 2 and we get asked all the time now. I don't wNt to,say "soon" then get hounded if I'm pregnant yet. I've had very irregular periods for a year and I'm still working with my OB to get things on track. Not stuff I need to delve into with acquaintances!

I don't like that question either. I don't think it would be so bad if worded "do you plan on having kids?" Instead of "when" And only asked once. Dh and I had the same people asking us over and over again when were we going to have kids. They finally stopped after I said "whenever God wants" I don't know if that made them realize that having kids isn't something we always have control over. Still, it's not a "small talk" topic. I've only ever asked my close friends about kids.

We've been TTC for 5 months and people ask us all the time when we will have number 3. Every day someone else announces their pregnant on FB... And everyday I get a little more sad about it all.

I know 5 months isn't that long but seeing how number one was an "oopsie" and number two only took 2 months, this just seems like forever!!

I hate when people ask when we are going to have another baby. We have been ttc since March with no luck. Every time someone asks me I want to respond with "we have been f*** ing trying for almost a year. It obviously isn't going too well so please mind your own f*** ing business." Obviously I would never say that. I usually respond with "oh I don't know". It is mostly coworkers asking me. It does hurt every time someone asks me because if I had it my way we would already have another baby.

My sil and her husband have been ttc for 5 yrs. I don't ask ppl this, other than my sister but we r really close. I don't think ppl should ask that question, unless they know the person really well.