My boyfriend and I aren’t married, but we’re 7 months pregnant. I’m starting to stress over who’s surname to give my…

@candacelouise, I’m glad to hear you were inspired to make a suitable decision for your family. It makes sense to me! I think the days where children automatically reserved their birth fathers last name are long gone. Biology shouldn’t dictate the surname a person receives and lives with their entire life.

@charlottej, yessss! And I’m the one takes them doctors n dentist and appt of such and i would like to have the same last name as them.

@candacelouise glad I could help! Its a great compromise and how poetic will it be when your fiance is able to sign the name transfer for both of his new babies. One big family. 💖

@charlottej, I never thought of doing this! My fiancé and I are having our first but I have a son with someone else.. whom has my last name and my fiancé will adopt when the time is right. But I definitively want them to have the same last name and the same last name as me! So this second will have my last name too, and all three of us will change our last name when we get married. Thanks for the great idea!

I was born before my parents were married. I got my mom's last name

When they did tie the knot they changed it to my dad's.

If it doesn’t seem right then go with your last name for sure girl!

@breannapitman99, To me patronymy is very old school and undermining of women’s rights, especially in cases like ours. My bf put me through hell and back because I chose to keep my baby, he’s still struggling with it and shows resentment towards this pregnancy/child/me in some ways. Knowing that, and then giving my child his last name even tho that’s what he wants, makes me freaking cringe!!! It just doesn’t seem right in this situation.

I think that’s completely up to you, but regardless if that’s your baby Dad, I think he should a say or at least you consider what he wants.

@crystal.newman, Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your story. I’m still leaning towards the middle name option as the fathers surname, but I’m open to reading about more experiences and opinions by others.

@pink.panda, I do regret giving my daughter her fathers last name simply because it’s a horrible last name. But not because we aren’t together anymore. My maiden name is Griffin. Crystal Griffin. I grew up with my father last name even though my mom remarried and she became a Wilson. It didn’t psychologically hurt me even though my father was a devil worshipper and was an abusive man towards my mother. It just made me realize that I once had a father and that I didn’t anymore. If I asked my mom would tell me but not until I was old enough. She believed despite his horrible ways his blood still runs through my veins I am still a Griffin as much as I am a Jeffries (my moms maiden name). Just like my daughter is as much of a Hazelip as she is a Griffin. Psychologically it would hurt a child more believing they don’t have a father. Because emotionally when they go to school and all the kids are talking about their mommies and daddies your child would more so be an outcast. But luckily my mom married when I was young and raised me to believe my step dad was my actual father until I was old enough to realize we didn’t have the same last name. So I was never really an outcast. I think all children should at least have their fathers last name so if something was to happen to their father they would have a piece of them always. Such as I didn’t meet my father until the day he was being buried. I lost my father entirely but I was thankful to still have his last name. Once again even though he was a horrible man he was still my father.

Thanks for your input. We define respect differently. I don’t know if I’ll have sole custody, but what I do know is that if our relationship doesn’t make it to the next level, I’d be the primary custodian. If I knew I’d have sole custody I wouldn’t even be having this conversation. A man that abandons his own child doesn’t deserve respect. Goodness!

@crystal.newman, my concern isn’t regarding custody. It’s more the psychological affects of giving my child a last name that doesn’t match his primary parents, without disowning the second party. We might end up married, or he might turn out to be a wishy washy dad/bad life partner, so I’ll end up marrying someone else. Do you regret not giving your child your last name, now that you guys aren’t together anymore? Is your child old enough to ask questions regarding his/her different last name?

Personally I gave my daughter her fathers last name as a sign of respect. If I was to have sole custody and he has no rights at all the least I could do is give her his last name

I was still able to give my daughter her fathers last name and have sole custody in my state. So that’s what I did. When you’re married at the time of birth the government assumes the child belongs to the husband and joint custody is automatically established therefore resulting in the last name of the husband. If you are not married at the time of birth sole custody is awarded to the mother and she may choose how to name the child. She may give the child the fathers last name. The only way the father may have any say so is if you all get a DNA test at the time of birth which can be like 300 dollars and have joint custody established that way.