Come the next time around, I will start my appointments early, research the obs, go to a different hospital for sure, and tell my family sooner rather than last minute. But I wouldn't change anything else. I did everything I was supposed to and I just have to keep that in my mind. I'm scared for the next time because of everything that happened with Caroline. I don't like the fact I'm high risk either. it's nerve raking I can go from perfectly healthy to now having to be watched extra carefully. It hurts me knowing I'll never be able to have a normal pregnancy again. It hurts knowing people I trusted weren't worth the trusting. I just want 2 doctors next time, not a bunch that I barely get to know. I just don't want this to ever happen to anyone or to myself again. It's terrible. I feel like my heart is ripped out everyday. The nightmares don't go away. Reality doesn't feel real. It's as if I'm asleep but awake. Yet, everyday I have to get up and say, "This is reality. You have to live with it."

Sorry for this mini rant. I'm just having another bad night. I'm in so much pain for no reason. Just everything is wrong right now.