Tonight is literally the worst night of my life. Im reaching out, hoping someone can talk some miraculous sense into my…

Tonight is literally the worst night of my life. Im reaching out, hoping someone can talk some miraculous sense into my thick skull and make me actually believe I have a reason for existing.

Tonight, I lost my mother. Not physically, but spiritually and emotionally. She wants nothing to do with me, doesn't love or care about me the way a mother should....never has. I lost my mind on her because of the way she is allowing my 16 year old daughter to live. My daughter lives with her. She moved there over the past summer because, Im gonna be honest, she was not doing well here. She started off high school in a very prestigious program known as IB, which is a privilege to get into, and then everything changed. She got into alcohol, smoking, sneaking out of the house at night, starving herself, making herself throw up when she did eat, I found out she got into a "bondage" lifestyle and sado-masochism and a lot of really dark stuff, she was cutting herself up, sleeping with an 18 year old boy, and ultimately, a suicide attempt. All because of the crowd she chose to hang out with. I got her in counseling, I had her on meds, we got her life back in track, and she was doing very, very good. She begged me to live with my mom because it would make her happy. She loves her grandma and vice versa... so I agreed. Its been 7 months since I have seen my daughter or hugged her. She has only tried to contact me a handful of times and finds no reason in calling me just to talk. We were so close. Now enters grandma; giving her everything she wants in life no matter what, whether its clothes, doesn't monitor what she wears or leaves the house in, allows boy to come over despite my orders not to, letting her do what she wants, go where she wants, have a job against my orders for her not to because I wanted her to focus on school, and focus on being a better person and getting better...my mother never took her to get on meds again, when they ran out, like I asked her to for her severe chronic depression, wont enroll her in counseling, is doing nothing about the girl bullying her at school, and etc. So I had it out with my mom tonight and told the truth about a lot of things and she has the audacity to say some really asanine things to me, some of which are really hurtful, and basically said she wont talk to me again and will "see me in heaven" and that she is gonna "dissappear", a famous phrase shes used on me since I was a little girl, old enough to cry and have feelings....she would dissappear alright, and go get drunk, while she left me with ny abusive pos father who hurt me every chance he could. She also said I dont care about her like her other daughters which is total BULLSHIT. I am the only one of my mothers 7 children who call daily, and I live 10 states away from her, and the rest of them live 10 mins away!!!! I care more than ANYONE ELSE about her and shes so fucking blind she cant see it! So now, Im sure my daughter wont speak to me even more. I was bawling. Crying my eyes out after this. I already have depression issues, but tonight, this got taken to a whole new level. My husband came into the den and sat next to me, hugged me, and asked what was wrong. I didnt want to tell him at first because I dont like putting my problems on him, he has enough going on. But he pried so I showed him all the messages between my mother and I. Then he starts talking to me and I think he tried to help but he made it worse. He ultimately ended up flipping out on me and saying more hurtful things to me, putting me into even more of a downward spiral and depression. I was so hurt. SO sad. I left the house and he texts me a bunch of mean, hurtful things. Apparently, Im a bad mom who doesnt care about her kids, or her growing baby, or anyone who loves her, and I treat them all like shit. And he is done with me, and doesnt care anymore, because he had to make this about him when this was never about HIM, it was about my feelings and heart being crushed and hurt. And now I am at my lowest point that I think I have ever been at before in my entire life. I do feel like a horrible wife, mother, and daughter, and I honestly feel like time is running out for me. Like, the sand timer on my life is almost empty and has almost run out. I cant take anymore hurt or pain. I cant take anymore feeling worthless or being depressed. I cant pretend Im okay anymore. I cant lie to myself or anyone else anymore. Literally, Im hanging by a thread right now. I need some kind of miracle. I need God to show himself to me and let me know he actually cares and is actually there because it feels like even he has left me and given up on me. I swear on everything, I feel ALONE.