my birth experience I feel should have been more traumatic... I ended in a csection again but it was because after…

my birth experience I feel should have been more traumatic... I ended in a csection again but it was because after trying to go without the epidural for so long I was exhausted and needed a break. I was pushing and actually falling asleep in-between contractions, because I was that tired then about 2 hours into pushing things started going down hill I was feeling nauseous. I kept telling my mom and the doctor i felt like it wasn't real anymore and I didn't feel right. My doctor said I can try a little more but he's not descending and I'm starting to swell. They took my feet down from the stirrups and that's when this overwhelming pain took over it wasn't a contraction it was continuous pain the epidural did nothing and it was radiating from where my csection scar was. Things during this time are cloudy due to the amount of pain I was in and everyone was trying to stop me from screaming/crying I remember begging anyone to make it stop,to get my son out for safety, and if I'm going to be okay. They put me under they were worried about a rupture and needed to get him out and me safe. My boyfriend said the first thing I asked my nurse when I woke was "am I alive?" The first thing I remember is my doctor saying his blood sugar was very low and needed to give him a small amount of formula to get it back on track (she was talking to Ramon.) I heard that and I said " I want to breast feed." I wasn't awake enough to do it at that time. I don't remember the first time I held him. However I am not experiencing the struggles I did with my first breastfeeding and I'm happy to say I haven't needed to pump or supplement since that first night so I think it's helping because I'm not feeling cheated somehow like I did. I hope I continue with this positivity it would be nice not to battle the PTSD like I did for so long after Orion's birth. Just thought I'd update you guys.