MAY BE TRIGGER WARNING

Aniexty. Let's talk about it?

Today i had my very first attack is 3 years. The first time i ever had it was while i was in the hospital and my 10 month old daughter was dying in my arms. It got so bad that i had to physically walk away from her as she was taking her last breaths because my hand and feet and whole body cramped up into a ball so bad i couldnt deal with it. At first my mom held my hand and her hand to help me as i was crying and begging god to not take her. It lasted longer than 2 hours. Once i was out of the room and in the hall way nurses kept asking if i needed to be admitted because how bad it was. I could hear so many nurses and drs working to keep her alive. I was shaking uncontrollably and i was shaking my head back and fourth saying "i cant do this i don't know how to be without her" as my mom comforted me a nurse told me she was gone and while her heart was still hanging on i should go be with her as it stopped. So i got up still stuck in a ball. I walked over with my toes crunched up and my fists in balls and crouched over. My jaw locked shut and sat next to her. My mom pryed a hand open for me and helped me hold her hand as i told her goodbye and i loved her. After her death i didnt have any attacks. I was in denial. Only a few weeks later i had aniexty where id lock myself in the bathroom so i wouldnt bother anyone and try to breathe as i rocked back and fourth until i had calmed down. I didnt have the cramping ever again after the night she passed away.

Over the course of 3 years i have aniexty but not nearly as bad at all. It comes and goes for a few weeks then itll be months before it comes back. My aniexty is easy to me. Sounds so weird when i tell people and they never beleive i have it after i tell them how it is. So ill explain. I can sense it coming before it reaches me. As soon as i feel it on its way i have learned that looking at my phone and reading fb newsfeed or talking to my boyfriend about random things makes it go away before it actually hits me. Im calm and i never tell anyone when its coming. Nobody would know i have it if i didnt let people know i have it.

Today i had a abnormal aniexty ive become used to. Today i ate jack in box which i was craving (im pregnant.) And after a while i felt sick. Thought maybe it didnt sit right and i had to poop. (This will get very tmi.) Well yes i did. That's not all. I started sweating really bad and feeling like i had to throw up. So i fugured maybe its food poisoning. Then i felt like i was gonna pass out. I felt dizzy. So i thought well its hot maybe i need to cool off. I started a cool shower for myself. Then i felt like passing out. My vison started to go black until i splashed water in my face. It helped at all. My stomach was in such a cramping pain and my head hurt and i was sweaty and dizzy and then i started to shake. I then realized in my head i was freaking out with crazy thoughts. "Whats wrong with me" "whats happening" "im getting scared what if i pass out" then my hands start to cramp up and so do my toes. So im wiggling my toes and opening and closing my hands fast. I leave the bathroom and walk naked to my boyfriend and tell him i think im having aniexty. Hes never had to help me with it before. I hid it from him because i had it under control with myself and before that i had my mom to help me so i didn't wake him up on work nights. Today was the first time i came to him. He was well aware i had it and that i was in control of it myself. Today he knew i wasnt. So hes talking to me trying to distract me from it and i told him i felt completely calm. Which at i did at that point. My mind was calm but my body wasnt. It was so weird. Ive never had this type of aniexty since my daughter passed away. After a little being with him i told him im gonna try the shower again. So i did and i felt better again. After all that i came back into our room and just laid down with him as if none of that happened. I have no idea what triggered it or why it came on so strong today. It really sucked. I have felt so tired and depressed all night since its happened. I didnt have any warnings or feeling of it coming on either. It just came on strong and random.

Aniexty is so serious and i dont think its talked about enough. Its not taken seriously. It sucks. Its not fun and its for sure not something id wish for anyone. Im on here to tell what happened to me today and in my past because i was not born with it. I was not officially diagnosed with it until i saw ONE therapist ONE time who said he could tell by the way i carried myself i have it. He told me nobody is born with it. You develop it through life. Things that happen when you grow up things you even watch on tv. Things that happen to you. Big or small. Anything can bring it upon you and it can be a one time thing a once in a while thing or it can stick with you. It can come and go obviously like mine or it can come everyday. He informed me while i asked million of questions about it during that one session. I talked to a friend from that point on whos mom was a therapist. She told me kne time that her mom told her "the day you believe aniexty is made up in your own head and thoughts is the day youll be able to push it away" it is TRUE. As soon as i heard that I remembered that each time to make it go away. It worked. It gkt to a point i didnt need to say that to myself because i had believed that. I don't become panicky anymore.

I really hope none of you have to experience this ever. And if you do i hope that anything i have said helps you get through it. Thank you for taking this long time to read this. Xoxo