Terrible 2's and 3's!
My services have been requested. This is for the moms of toddlers. You are not alone! If you are struggling with tantrums and acting out then chances are your child is needing attention, not punishment. There are lots of different things that can trigger a meltdown, but the root cause is typically the same.
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Thanks Purple! I've actually learned so much since I first wrote this. I love how easy it is to share information these days!
Bumping for the moms who have recently asked for terrible 2's advice. I hope this helps!
Hopefully you will see a difference. Let me know how it goes!
All children are born with different temperaments. It's best to find ways to work with his natural tendencies than to fight against them. It may be a controversial suggestion, but I've seen it work. Maybe consider getting him a punching bag. That way he has an acceptable outlet for his physicality. Also, martial arts starts as young as 2. I would wait until 3, but it is a huge help to children who need a little more structure.
He has always been this way. His dad and I live separate and have since before he was born. He was seeing his dad and living in both homes until recently. He hasn't seen him in a month due to personal/custody issues. That's the only thing that's changed. But like I said he has always been aggressive and rough. Since very early on.
Question time! When did the aggressive behavior start? Has anything changed in his home life recently? Is he going through any developmental changes that you know of? Teeth? Potty training? Has anything changed with you lately? Sometimes children exhibit aggression when they are feeling out of control or they are frustrated with something. Trying to find the root cause is better than treating the symptom.
You are doing a great job with the "gentle touches". That's what I do with my 20 month old. He has just started hitting when he doesn't get what he wants right away.
Yaya my son is super aggressive and rough. He bites, slaps, kicks, pinches. I tell him that hurts mommy, be gentle. I show him gentle. I ask him to show me gentle and he will. I've tried crying when he hurts me. He thinks it's funny. If he is mad he will hit whoever is around. I brought him up to my job one day. He wanted one of my friends to pick him up. She was drying her hands and he got mad so he walked up to an elderly customer and hit her. He will be 2 in April. Advice?
He acts out for you because he feels safe with you. Crazy, I know. You are his security. So he knows that he can express his frustrations to you and you are going to love him anyway. Toddlers are not rational. Their brains are not that advanced yet. He loves you and doesn't have a different way to express himself yet. Be patient and compassionate with him. Hopefully, you will find ways to work with him so that you are both getting what you need.
It's not about control. Using force to make a child behave is what leads to rebellion and defiance which you are currently experiencing. It's better to have a child who learns self control and self motivation. Teaching your child the skills to handle difficulties will serve him far longer than just telling him to behave.
There are some great resources and books that will help. Ahaparenting.com and zerotothree.org have really good info. Our parents did the best they knew how to do. But today we have the world at our fingertips. We have the ability to learn all the different parenting techniques that we want and then pick and choose the parts that work best for our children.
Remember that they are still learning. Everything we do and say creates new connections in their young brains. We want their first experiences to be associated with security, safety, love, and understanding. The mantra "treat others the way you want to be treated" should also apply to our children.
Sorry if I sound "preachy". I hope this is giving you a better understanding of how to approach discipline in the future. If you want to give me specific examples of his behavior I can help brainstorm solutions.
Thank u so much! I've noticed this started not too too long after we found out we were expecting again. But we haven't changed anything so I'm not sure what's going on. He excellent for everyone but me. Makes me feel like he doesn't want me. I tried my best to stay calm but I'm at my Witt's end. I feel like if I can't control one how am I going to control two?
Kimberly, I hope this helps! Let me know if I can help clarify anything for you.
Thank you so much for this Yaya! My son will be 3 in January and we've been dealing with the control stage for a while now, he's learning what it is and how he can exert control and its been frustrating at times. In the past week, its evolved into emotions, he gets very angry and wants to hit and throw things. What you posted really makes sense, instead of telling him it's not ok to hit, we need to take it further. I need to give him choices and identify his emotions and help him identify them as well so that he knows how to handle them! I can't tell you how much this has helped me! All day today I kept saying lord please bless this child before I do because his behavior was just awful!
Pooney, baby steps would be best. Do sponge baths for a while. Do some water based activities together. Food coloring in water to change colors, a water table to play with, water balloons that he throws at you, watercolor painting... Show him that water can be fun. Let him play in the tub when it's empty. Give him lots of encouragement. Give him small goals every week. Start with just enough water to cover his feet then work your way back to full baths. Go slow and be patient. He may never like to bathe, but he will be able to do it without fear eventually.
Sorry. Just saw your edit and I need to get my oldest ready for school. I'll give more specific suggestions when I get back.
In that case it's just a quirky toddler phase. It's a pretty common one. Sometimes it's a fear of the drain, or a fear of not being able to breathe in the water, or the sound of the water filling the tub. If you can pinpoint what scares him you can work around it. If it's water in the face then use a sun visor or special cup to keep it out of his face. Try sponge baths for a while or limit them to 2 times a week. Try a reward system similar to potty training to encourage positive bath time associations. Talk through every step that you are doing. Keep it short and functional if bath play isn't fun for him right now. It won't last forever. Soon he'll outgrow it. In the meantime, do your best to work with it instead of fighting against it.
No. He used to do ok when he was a baby. I guess it started around 16-17 months? His sister loves the water...so I am so confused why he hates it so much!!
Edit: he never "liked" it really but he would tolerate it and want to get in for a few minutes. Now, he doesn't even want to step foot in the tub, at all.
Has he always had a water aversion? If not, when did it start?
Add bubbles, get in with him, bath crayons, or a detachable shower head instead of a bath might work. What have you tried? What about the bath upsets him?
Some children are ready physically before they are ready psychologically. It's a huge step. Some children can be very intimidated by it, especially if there's a lot of pressure to "perform". Explain to her where her big girl panties are. Where the potty is. (Use a toddler potty if she's scared or doesn't like the big one) Put a sticker chart in the bathroom and explain your reward system. Let her know that accidents happen and it's ok. When you go to the bathroom, explain what you are doing step by step so she becomes familiar with the process. Then, back off and let her take the lead. Most children don't potty train until between 2.5 and 3, so she's right on track. With a new baby coming she's likely to feel insecure. It's common to hold onto what's familiar. Even if you did have her trained before baby, regression is very common when a sibling arrives. I wouldn't set any "deadlines" for her. Especially if she's smart. She will see it as being replaced by a new baby in diapers. Be patient. She's getting close, just not quite ready to take the leap. I hope this helps!
Pointers for potty training my 2.5 year old plz? She has a huge vocabulary and is very aware of her bodily functions but refuses to try to train. We've tried making a game out of it, rewards etc. I have always been very open and let her join me in the BR to understand how I go. She has older cousins too...she knows she should go on the toilet, but refuses and apologizes later. Her #2s are very deliberate/methodical...she finds a private corner and crouches. If u ask her what she's doing, she stops til she has privacy again. Ugh!!! #2 due Jan 2015! Help plz!!
I didn't realize it had been bumped. You're very welcome. Feel free to pm me if you need something specific. It takes me a week or so to get to it since I answer from the computer not my phone. But I will answer eventually!
Eating can only be controlled by the child. The best advice I have is to be very matter-of-fact at mealtime. Offer healthy food. If they eat, great. If not, then they can wait until the next meal. No arguing or fighting about it. Leave healthy snacks out for easy access. Involve them in the food making process. My favorite is a huge plate of deli meats, cheese, crackers, fruit and veggies. Then they "decorate" their plates or make funny faces out of the food. Fruit and veggie "kabobs" are fun to make too. Serve with a dip. Make it yourself mini pizzas with fresh marinara sauce and whole wheat crust are good. It helps if their parents are on board. Be consistent and make meal time fun. The rest is up to the kids. If they refuse to eat while you watch them, then that is an option, too. Don't punish it and don't try to force it. I hope this helps!
Choices for kiddos are amazing....it's empowering yet adult-controlled since we offer the choices!
One phrase that helps me get through some of the rough moments....
Sometimes it's hard to be 2yo!
During the rough moments, some want to say/think that the lo is so bad or whatever, when they are just being 2....that rough moment doesn't define the kiddo!!!
When things are really rough, I use this follow-on phrase.....
Sometimes it's hard to be the momma of a 2yo!
Keep trying mommas!!!! We will get through these days....good ones & rough ones!!!
@yaya....keep up the good work!!!!
Hugs for support!
You're very welcome! I would love feedback if anyone tries any of the techniques I've mentioned. You can reply here or feel free to PM me. It's helpful to know what works and what doesn't. That way I can adjust as needed for different situations. Thanks in advance!
Turkey, it sounds like the main problem isn't actually with your son. It's with his other caregivers. You are doing the right thing and they have to follow suit or your son's behavior won't change. He needs consistency at mealtime. I don't think it would be fair to hold your son accountable for what he is being taught. Unfortunately, that means you need to start feeding him that way too, they need to stop spoon feeding him, or you need to find different caregivers. If he takes forever to eat, make sure distractions are at a minimum and set a time limit. 30-40 minutes should be plenty. Once that time is over, excuse him from the table and go about your day. Children will not starve themselves for long. There are 3 things toddlers have control over. They are eating, sleeping, and eliminating. They are also the 3 most common power struggles. Once you give up control, he will self regulate with what he needs. Cut back on snacking if necessary. You are doing a great job! You just need your family to follow suit!
We're having mealtime issues with my 3.5 year old. He used to eat everything as a baby and toddler, but is being pickier now. We offer him the same food that we eat and if he eats it, great - if he doesn't, we try to get him to try it at least. If he absolutely refuses to eat, we have him at least still sit at the table while we're eating (and sometimes he'll start eating without being told). He is also really slow - we've had dinners where he's been at the table for 1.5 hours or more because he'll take a bite, fool around for a few minutes, take a bite, etc.
Part of the issue is that his grandmothers still feed him. My mom is really bad for this when she's watching him - she'll dish him up a huge plate and then proceed to feed him one fork or spoon at a time. I tell her over and over again not to do it, that he can feed himself and that he will decide how much to eat. She says "but what if he doesn't eat at all?", and I say that if he doesn't eat this meal, he will probably eat the next. It doesn't help that she thinks that I'm not feeding him enough because my son is very tall and skinny (both me and my husband were tall, skinny kids).
I don't want to turn mealtime into a power struggle. I also don't want to turn into one of those families where everyone eats something different at dinner. As long as I'm offering regular meals and the occasional snack, I figure he will eventually eat something (my pediatrician says that he won't starve himself). I just want him to eat his food by himself, and for dinner not take hours because we're trying to convince him to eat. We sometimes bribe him with dessert but I don't really want to do that. I don't know what else to try?
My.Lil.Peanut, you shouldn't feel stupid. We all have questions as parents. Thats what makes forums like this so wonderfully helpful. We can all help each other when we need it.
Children model what they see. If you and your husband show him impatience with a quick temper then that is how he will learn to react. 1-2-3 Magic might be a good option for you. It really helps with parental consistency. It's a great book. They may have it at your local library. If not, I know it's on amazon. Be consistent for at least 2 weeks to see if it's helping. Remember, behavior often gets worse before it gets better when you implement a new technique. I hope this helps. If it doesn't work, please message me so I can help with a new tactic.
Hershey, Andi brings up a good point. What is your daily routine like?
Hershey sounds similar to our little girl who will give us the runaround until midnight but stay in bed late in the morning.
Another thing is I don't know what your household is like generally but I know the reason Isla is like she is is partly because we have a household that doesn't wind down in the evening, - my husband rarely gets in before 7. Then he's pacing up and down on the phone, and the tone of his voice is often stressful because it's usually work problems I have two teenage sons, dinner is late bathtime is late, my oh is very 'chop chop' as in right do this do that to the boys and there just isn't a serene atmosphere - happy yes serene no.
To add to it my boys have no perception and will start being silly with her at 9pm instead of calm, piggy backs and swinging her around. Toddlers are so susceptible to their environment and I don't have much solution to this in our house - I try my best to remind everyone all the time but it's always a little chaotic - I recognise that's a factor in influencing her personality
I am not bothered about later night later rise but midnight is too late, we try and have her in bed by 930 but it's the getting her to calm down and go to sleep, sometimes she does, often she doesn't. And she's very active, a climber, a daredevil, will run around in circles for ages, run away / bolt.
Where you will see other parents who's kids won't leave their side or play quietly it makes you think you are doing something wrong but they don't all fit the same mould. X
My eldest daughter turns 3 in December.
We are having issues getting her to sleep. She will give us the run around until 1am. Then when morning arrives, it's a battle to get her up. She will refuse to nap until 6 or 7 pm, then she crashes because she's been fighting it.
We've been having meltdowns. Everything is whiny or immediately she reverts to crying. If she gets frustrated, tears. If she can't find a toy, tears.
Her meltdowns include smacking herself, hitting me, hitting objects, loud shrieking, throwing herself, saying "mom don't do that", "you're making me mad", when all that I do is allow her to have her fit. I'll say "let's take a break. You let Mommy know when you are feeling calm." Then I'll check in occasionally over fifteen minutes.
She has extreme emotions. She's either running circles laughing, shrieking and in a flash She's on the floor shrieking and crying. There is no warning before the transition.
There are ECFE classes for 2-3 year olds. I am dreading it. She won't sit still. She almost gets too excited.
It's my firm belief (and backed up by plenty of psychology) that toddlers are not bad at all. They don't have a bad bone in their body. They just don't see past the next or previous ten minutes. they are not doing things to act up or drive you mad.
The frustrated, exhausted parent often comes from the way we view a situation not the situation itself. - they also have personality traits that are inherent so there's no use trying to quell them or mould them into our ideal.
They are teeny tiny humans with good days and bad. A lot of frustration can be completely diffused by some of the following
1. Choosing your battles wisely - is it really that important? Do you have to say no simply because they need to learn no?
2. Remembering they are people - you might LOVE chicken but you just don't want it today, or you aren't that hungry, or despite chocolate milkshake being your favourite you just don't feel like it.. Toddlers are the same / they just can't express it the same way
3. personal attention. Are they looking into your face when they talk to you or the back of a phone???
4. They aren't being naughty to test you. - it's all about here and now. Running away in a restaurant is because there is something REALLY interesting over there.
5. Stop caring about what strangers think
6. Distraction is your best friend. So much can be averted with this 'oh look let's go and see what's in the kitchen'
There's lots more but that's just a few.
I have four kids, I'm older and much more laid back than I was 18 years ago..
My.Lil.Peanut, how old is your son? It will help me give age appropriate suggestions. Sorry it took so long!
Meas, I'm glad you are feeling better. It's going to take a little work to get her back on track. A routine would be best to start with. She's had a lot of transition and uncertainty lately. Having, even a loose schedule is better than nothing. She will know what to expect and begin to anticipate things if there's a structure to her day. I made one on a small poster board on the fridge to help me stay on track.
I am not above giving incentives for good behavior. Stickers and trinkets are great for rewarding good behavior. Do things like have a dance party, pretend to be animals together, run races, play chase, etc. Things to get her moving. However, don't do it before bed. It will overstimulate her. Keep bedtime routine simple and consistent. Let me know if it helps!
Lucky, continue to give her all the attention that you can. Let her guide the play when you sit down together. When you drop her off, do it in a positive way. One hug, one kiss, and go. Don't look back or show concern. If she sees you getting anxious then it will increase her anxiety too. At daycare they need to engage her in as many of the activities as possible. Hugs and cuddles are great, but she will need to begin integrating into the class dynamic as well. If you need more specifics let me know!
Sorry ladies! Frantically cleaning my house between responses. My MIL is coming to visit our new home for the first time and I'm a recent SAHM. I don't want her to think I just sit around playing with my kids and hanging out on BB all day! ;) I love all the questions and I promise I will get to them all at some point! Wish me patience this weekend!
@yaya
Totally a play by ear kinda thing.
This barely started happening also. Im 4 months pregnant and had bad hyperemesis so It was impossible for me to even play with her. This went on for maybe 3 months and just this last month or so I've picked up the slack but she's so different now! I mean she's always been VERY active but now I feel like I have no control over her.
Lucky, children at this age don't need that kind of socialization with their peers. I actually prefer that they socialize and bond with adults first. Those are the people that they will need to work with and get along with when they are older, anyway. In the toddler years, the things they learn from peers are typically hitting, biting, taking toys, whining for attention, etc. They don't yet have the impulse control to regulate their reactions. A better way to socialize them with their peers would be to have a weekly play date with a few children where the parents can be there to supervise. I am by no means a helicopter mom. But children at that age need very specific guidance since they are still learning about human interactions.
Meas, does she have a set schedule or is each day a play it by ear kind of thing?
I am a teacher so there is no way to change hours. She is only going to daycare 2 days a week, then 2 days she is with grandma and 1 day with daddy. And weekends I am off with her. We put her in daycare to help socialize her bc she is not used to being around other kids and I was thinking it might make lindergarten transition easier. The ladies at our daycare centre will cuddle with her for hours to help keep her calm they are very good there.
Thanks yaya I appreciate the help
I usually have an arsenal of supplies in the bag if I know we're going to attempt it. I was caught off guard last night and was not prepared which made the experience much worse. I always try to treat my boys how I'd want to be treated and keep my expectations of them at a reasonable level
Lucky, that is a lot of transition for a little girl. She is acting 100% appropriately for her current situation. Though, I know that doesn't help make it easier to handle. I am not a fan of daycare centers. I worked in many as a sub when I was younger. The children are physically cared for but their emotional needs cannot be met in that kind of environment. And different children have different levels of neediness. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them, it's just the way they are wired. So some children can thrive in that environment but others don't. Your daughter needs more than she is getting and is expressing herself the only way she knows how. Is there any possible way to change your work schedule or cut hours? Or can you possibly look into a smaller home care or nanny situation? Are there any trustworthy family members or friends that could babysit? One on one attention is going to be better for your daughter's temperament.
I so need advice! My dd is 2 years old. In the past 2 weeks she has gone through some big transitions. She weaned and has started going to daycare and I have gone back to work and her dad has been home with her when shes not in daycare. She detests daycare! She screams as soon as we pull in the parking lot. The ladies say she is ok except when the door opens, then she cries when she sees its not me. At home she has been acting out a little, but mostly has been super clingy! Always needing to be held, mommy has to do everything, she cried the other day when I was just out front. I guess my question is...is this normal? Is there anything I can do to make the transition easier for her? How can I make her less clingy? (Dont get me wrong...I love cuddles, but I cant hold her all the time). Thanks!
Exhaustedmommy, I love your username! I have a tabletop toy that has the wooden beads on a track. It has suction cups and is pretty small. Something like that might work to engage your younger child. Really, any small tabletop toy might work. I would suggest trying fast food restaurants first. There's less pressure and they are more likely to have a positive experience. Take finger snacks for your lo too. A game I like to play is to put the Cheerio in my hand and close it palm up. Then my 15 month old has to figure out how to get it out. Have him try to open your hand using a little resistance. Then you close your hand back up after he opens it before he can reach in. The trick is that he has to hold it open with one hand and take the Cheerio with the other. Once he masters that you can first have him guess which hand it's in and then take it out. This game is fun for 2 year olds as well. Let me know how it goes!
Hi yaya
I try really hard to keep my older son engaged at the table. I always give him options it works incredibly. I'll say would you like the red crayon or the blue? I'll give him little activities like ill draw this and you can draw that etc. usually he'll be engaged for a min than all the sudden he's off again under the table over the side of the booth. I'll try the sticker option you suggested because he's very into stickers right now. If I can muster up the courage to bring them out in public again ?. I know my younger son is still just too young. If I give him a paper he crumples it up and throws it, eats the crayons etc. and the more he starts getting crazy my older one wants to follow suit they get eachother excited
Thank you all for the support and encouragement! I know how hard it is to change our pattern of behavior as parents. I am nowhere near perfect, but I continue to try. When I stumble, I apologize and try harder. It's not easy! I am ver thankful to have this forum. I welcome any new techniques or teachings that have helped you with your own kiddos, too!
Maalika, my son did the exact same thing with me when I would try to speak to him in Spanish. He didn't want me speaking in Spanish to him and he flat out refused to speak to me. I was patient and allowed his school to take the lead. When he came home I would ask what he learned that day. I found as long as I asked questions he was more likely to show me what he was learning. It was too much pressure for him to converse "on demand". So I tried to make it fun. We started with singing songs then progressed to playing games in Spanish like Candyland. I tried to incorporate it into everyday life instead of making it a lesson. Eventually, as he gained confidence it became easier. The more he hears it the better, even if he doesn't repeat it right away. I hope this helps!
My DH and I were talking about this. He is still not convinced to take spankings off the table completely but I am trying to find that podcast you mentioned YAYA.
On a lighter note, I mentioned other options like taking away a privilege or favorite toy when he acts out and my DH says
"It's a little early for outright castration don't you think?" LOL lol
Giving my child choices has worked wonders for me. I read many articles online and came across one just as you are describing op regarding giving your child choices. I decided to give it a try and it seems to have helped both of my children and their behavior. My toddlers try to challenge me if I demand they do something so giving them two options and allowing them to pick helps them feel some what in control, while still getting the end goal.accomplished. Example: You can either use your inside voice in the living room or you can go to your room and be loud. You can either have grapes or you can have a banana. This method works well for getting them to eat healthier snacks too!
Bump for MomsLittleHero