I know I never got the chance to hold this little baby. I tried soo hard not to get attached. I lost my only daughter…

I know I never got the chance to hold this little baby. I tried soo hard not to get attached. I lost my only daughter and already had one miscarriage before this pregnancy. When I got my positive I was shocked but couldn't help but be beyond excited. I instantly just began to cry. I was experiencing so many emotions. Happiness was my strongest and fear was my second. Until that day I started spotting. All my happiness melted away, I just knew that this was it. When I went for my ultrasound I didn't even want to know. I told the nurse my story bc I knew she could see the fear in my eyes. She was so kind and reassuring. I laid on the table and just closed my eyes, I was too scared to even look. Until I heard her sweet voice say these words "do you see that little flicker?" This bein my 3rd pregnancy I knew what that meant. My eyes opened and my head turned so fast to see the screen. I just started to bawl. I was in disbelief! I had already been spotting off and on for sometime now, my symptoms were fading. I really thought my baby was already gone. But he/she was still there and still fighting. Instantly at that moment I was lured back in. Back to my happy place. I was in so much love with this tiny little baby already. This baby gave me hope. A few weeks passed by and it was appointment time. My symptoms were gone and my spotting was still there. I had that feeling that my little one was now gone but I felt comforted from that little glimpse of hope that I got at my last appointment. When I laid on that table this time I knew what the nurse was going to find. I asked her to please just "do not say those words" those words that cut like a knife straight into your heart. "There is no heartbeat" she said okay and she told me she was sure it was fine and said "let's take a look." I seen it before she did; the tiny little bean which should have been a fetus by now. My heart instantly sank and she followed my wishes by just telling me that she was sorry. I felt so brave and so strong. I have already been through the worst, I have already been through this before. I was so messed up with my first miscarriage. But I had no idea what messed up was even like until I had to bury my only daughter my beautiful Hannah Nicole. This was just another piece of my storm. I just took a deep breath and accepted it. Only a few tears silently fell down my cheeks. I think back to that day often, wondering how in the world did I do it! AGAIN! After all I have already endured. With my first miscarriage I didn't know what it was like to loose a child. So it was my very first loss and boy did it hurt. Then when I lost my daughter I realized I never even knew what hurt ever was until that day. Just unbearable, never ending, pure pain! With my second miscarriage I did feel pain of course but it could never compare to the pain I felt when I lost my Hannah. Something was different this time, in the midst of this storm I found a glimpse of hope. That hope kept me strong and at peace. I have learned that no matter the storm whirling around you, as long as you have that hope, you will have that solid ground to stand on to keep you steady, so you can keep going!