@marskhaos, he has gotten a bath since I posted this. Thank you for the offer to chat

but you need to understand you have to put the baby's welfare in front of your emotions. believe me i know it's hard. feel free to message me anytime if you need someone to talk to. i've found talking about your emotions helps a whole lot.

@marskhaos, I am getting help. Therapy , medication, and an in home worker soon.

ok I am by no means judging but am going to choose to be the voice of tough love here. It is not just about how you feel anymore, it's your son as well. I lost my son in October at four months and was very depressed but never used it as an excuse to neglect my daughter. If you are truely depressed seek out help, even a fb support group could help. However your own bad experiences cannot be in a sense taken out on your son. That child needs to be loved cared for and protected and you are the only person who has the responsibility to do it. Once again I am by no means judging and don't mean to sound harsh.

yeah I agree with @hfarb17 you need to leave before it gets worse. And stop taking care or this special needs person because your son should be your main priority.

Hmm... I'm sorry that's a tough situation to be in. However, if that truely is the case then you have no choice but to contact the police. An call child protective services. If you truely believe he would do all those things then you and your child are not safe! Tell them you do not feel safe for you or your child. Honey no one has power over you ever!! An if someone thinks they do.Then they are breaking the law! An you need to do something about that. Now!!

@noahsma13,

If I make a move to leave, he'll take our son and run. He's got a lot of family in Mexico and I believe him when he says he would never let me see our son again. And I'm not able to hide things from him. It's a very delicate situation with a lot of stuff that I haven't said. I also believe he would kill my brother if I left him (he blames my brother for me getting raped a year and a half ago)

The biggest thing that you can do for yourself is to try and surround yourself with helpful positive loving people. If you have anyone in your life that doesn't do that cut them the hell out. It's poison!

That sounds promising! As far as your husband goes, if he loves you and cares about his family then he as well as you should do whatever it takes, to help you and his family. If not leave his ass he's not good for you or his son. Wic is an amazing program for women and children trust me! That program will help you and provide you with leads to other programs that can help you be a great mom and cope with your disorder.

@noahsma13, no wic. Hubby is too proud to apply. And my town has three or four mental health inpatient/intensive treatment facilities but the hoops you have to jump through to get in are insane. One has been here for over five years and my mom knows of only one person who was admitted to it (she's an LICSW). She helps me out a lot already. Got the process started for an in home worker for me.

I agree with @kedrababy. Do you have wic? Their's Department of mental health hospitals. If you go to your local Social services office and tell them your situation. They should be able to guide you some where to go. An if nothing else works you can always get 5150. That's a last resort though because if you get 5150you loose your choice. To have a choice then the state makes your decisions for you till they feel your capable of making your own healthy decisions again.

@marzuniversal, a schedule can still be helpful. When u fall into routine of automatically getting up and brushing ur teeth or bathing ur son every night at 7 u start to do it without even thinking - u just know u have to do it and get it done. But we can only offer advice from our prospective. Idk what it feels like to have ur issues so I can't really give u the same help that a professional has to offer

@noahsma13, do you happen to know any programs like that? I've gone to the er before asking to be admitted for my own safety and they just sent me home because I said I wouldn't hurt myself. The help around here is a joke and I'm tired of being told that I'll manage it just fine on my own cause I'm not. I don't even know what to ask about or search for because everyone I talk to just brushes me off because I can say I won't hurt myself or my son.

I realize, that he's still nursing. But their are programs out there for mothers. That will help you figure out a away to be with your son. But also get the intensive care that you need. Someone that can hold you account able for your actions. Or their lack of. If you are serious about your mental health then you will find away to make it work. If you have no family or good friends that will help you. I understand but trust me when I say their are people out there that want to help you succeed. Not just for yourself but for your child as well. However, if you just make excuses and come on this app and ask for help and advice. But then don't take it. Your just wasting your time and the women on this app that care.

@noahsma13, I know. She's going back to her old home soon. We're hoping that the time she and her family had apart will have allowed things to cool down a bit.

Either way, I don't have anyone to take care of my son. He still nurses three times a night and as I mentioned previously, he won't take a bottle.

@kedrababy

I agree with @noahsma13,

Okay, thats nice of you. But that doesn't change the fact that you have some serious mental health problems. That if you don't take care of will profoundly affect you and your child. So although what your doing for this other person is wonderful. Your ultimate responsibility is to your SON. So you need to do whatever it takes to make sure you do that.

@noahsma13, I don't get paid for it. She was being abused at her own home and I was the only person she trusted. It was either me or an institution. She tells me what she needs and when she wants to take baths and stuff.

Well I'm confused how do you take care of someone else, if you can't even take care of you basic needs for yourself?

@noahsma13, he's just starting real food and doesn't take a bottle. Plus I care for a special needs adult who doesn't trust anyone else.

I'm not judging because my mother deals with the excatly the same disorder. she's dealt with it her whole life. Same childhood trauma. My mother had her same severe break down 12 years ago. I was 13 at the time. It was the hardest thing to deal with in my teens. My mother never recovered from it. I'm sure you love your son deeply. But being a product from a situation similar to yours. I can only say I know you are hurting deeply. But your child will hurt more. So my advice to you is, take care of yourself first get healthy. An if you have someone you trust that can take your son for awhile, So you can go to treatmeant and really work on yourself so you can be, the best parent you can be. The truth is you'll never be able to be the best parent for your son if your not healthy first. What your struggling with, in my opinion is just like cancer. It eats away at you and the people closes to you. I wish you all the best in the world for you and you child. :)

@kedrababy, I'm a 24/7 caregiver for an 18 year old with autism and developmental disabilities.