in 3 days my dad will have been gone two years. they say with time the pain will slow down and not hurt as much, but the truth is it hurts like the day I found out he was gone. as I sit her on my porch I think about how the middle of June 2014 he was taking me too get two pregnancy tests. we were laughing on the way there and the way back to the house I lived at. I remember him going home and telling me he wanted to know what the results said. so I didn't want to wait till the next morning. about an hour after he was headed home, I took one test and within a minute it had 2pink lines. so just to be sure I took the next one a few moments later and got the same result. I was pregnant with my rainbow baby. I called him right up and told him dad your gonna be a grandpa again. he was so excited. i made my first baby appointment the next day. my dad went with me to my first ultrasound and it was amazing to see him smile the way he did. then for a while I didn't see him because he was to busy with his girlfriend and her kids. for granted I should have been used to him not being around a lot as it was with my childhood and my first pregnancy (my twins). i was so angry at him over not being there like he should've been. so the night of August 4th, 2014, I called him and told him how I felt. he seemed distant like he didn't care. I told him I hated him and he could have his new family because me and my brother were never good enough for him anyways. he told me to grow up and get over myself. I said the one thing that I would forever regret the rest of my whole life, "I wish you would just drop dead"

so there is more to this that I haven't wrote.... a part of the background of my life. my father has had an issue with being addicted to narcotics (pills) since I was 5. he also suffered from a cracked spinal cord, PTSD, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I also suffer from PTSD, schizophrenia and bipolar. as 2 are hereditary.

anyway to finish my story. at 12:20 on august 5, 2014 my fathers girlfriend called me and said your father is dead. then she hung up. I instantly dropped to the floor crying. my phone slid across the kitchen floor. I couldn't stop crying. we had a funeral and burried him. my heart was shattered. all I could think of is what have I done. why did I say that to him when in reality I didn't mean it I was just upset with him. come October the report came back that he had ODed. now he has another grand daughter and a grandson he can't see or hold. and it's my fault.