I dont understand, I thought motherhood would make me happy, proud feel loved by my daughter. But, it's the opposite. I look in the mirror and I feel disgusted with myself, my baby refuses me 78% of the time and I just feel selfish. I feel selfish because I want to go out and do something for myself. I feel selfish when I have to ask for help because its been three days since I got my last shower or when I only get an hour of sleep the previous night. I feel horrible looking in the mirror at the strech marks that now covers my body to the mess that i call a face. I feel like I forgotten how to brush my hair or put make up on. My daughter is beautiful and I love her with all of my heart and some days we have really great days and other days I'm banging my head against the wall trying to block out the screams. I just need to get it off of my chest, everyone I turn to to tall about my feelings calls me selfish that I should only focus on her. And I do but when your hair gets greasy your stomach is empty and your looking in the mirror to a screaming baby with your strech marks clear as day and the fat hangs off of your body how am i suppose to be happy. Claw marks on my face to my chest and a strange puke smell coming from my bra. Trying to sound and act like everything is okay when you know deep down it isn't. staring at the same four walls day after day, feeling lazy for not having energy to do anything. Feeling worthless because even as a mother, someone can always replace you. I don't know how to control this feeling. worse depression, just emptiness. I don't want to feel empty when Im holding my daughter. I don't want my 3AM tears falling on her while I sit and think about where my life is going, and how really far away I am to being a good parent. Thinking how I can't provide for her, I cant provide for myself and that I will be stuck in this hole until I find someone who truly will help me.Someone who will teach me ways and encourage me to achieve my one long time dreams. But as for now I sit on the floor trying to get this feeling out while my daughter for no reason cries in her crib. My self esteem has offically hit rock bottom and I don't think there is any getting up from it. I wish someone would have really told me what it was like being a single mom through everything and how much it mentally messes with you.