Why Do I Feel Like I Failed My Child?

I'd be lying if I said I was ok. I'm not ok. My house doesn't feel like a home, a part of me is missing. I cannot even describe the ache I feel in my heart as I sit here. I've done this before, I know the drill, but it doesn't make it any easier or hurt any less. I am still extremely thankful for little Maddies health and how well she's doing but it's so hard not to feel responsible for her current struggle. If my body hadn't given out, if I could've suffered through the pain a little longer, she wouldn't be going through this now. I feel like I failed her. My body continues to fall apart and I struggle to do the basic daily activities and hate myself more each day. I don't know why I'm sharing this it seems even more pathetic then I feel...but I just wanted everyone to reflect on their own lives and be thankful for all that they have today. I know I have so much to be thankful for , all 3 of my kids are healthy and happy I'm just having a really hard time right now and I needed to let it out. Happy Thanksgiving all.