Hi. I'm Jessica or Jessi for short. 24 years old with my first one on the way. THREE MONTHS into my current relationship we found out we were going to be having a baby. Neither of us was in any position to have a little one on the way but then again most normally feel this way. our situation was different though. we had been living life on the edge - way on the edge. drugs had been a big part of my life for six years and though I was beyond ready to give them up - I felt that I couldn't without having something else to occupy my mind and keep my demons at bay ... this little miracle has saved my life. I always told my mom that I ruined my life when I allowed anorexia nervosa to completely shut down my reproductive system for more than a year in highschool. the doctors I spoke with back then told me I may very well have ruined my shot at being a mommy. it didn't matter then but once I grew older and realized my massive screw up I began a downward spiral ... I knew an innocent baby, helpless, and half Me would change me completely. finally filling the void my dads death left in my life, finally giving me something to care about since I was never too great at caring for myself. but there I was, 24 - the only girl from my highschool class who still had yet to have my first child ... I began to give up. early for some people, I know, but it was what I needed. what I wanted most in the world and even after a steady three year relationship - rarely bothering with any form of prevention - still nothing. and just when I began to go under - just when I found myself passing out in friends driveways - waking up five hours later - completely incoherent. losing what little dignity I had left. letting the drugs take it and me , daring them to do their worst - just as I was on the brink of a very probable o.d. the stuff began making me sick. violently sick for hours on end. within a couple of weeks I realized that the monthly visitor would not be making her rounds for me that month. of course what with all the awful things i was putting in my body before - one missed cycle wasnt that uncommon. but just to make sure - just to further destroy myself with another negative test - I went and got the dollar general brand and made my way back to our hotel room ...
I cannot explain all the emotions I felt when I saw not one but TWO pink lines ... I cannot express just how much they have changed about me in only 7 months ... what I can say is this : hindsight 20/20 I could not have gotten pregnant at a better time. had I not done so then I am almost sure I'd be dead now ... and that, my friends is no exaggeration. secondly, although I did not know it the day we found out about our baby, I have come to know that I could not have handpicked a more perfect specimen for myself where my baby's father is concerned. we are not perfect. we were once what most people consider the scum of the streets. but together we have grown strong both for ourselves and for our little girl - adalyn rayne - who is expected to make an appearance around April 10 2016. :) I hope my story touches someone who reads it. I hope it gives hope to another woman who finds herself in the same boat I was in. never stop fighting to be the person you were meant to be. never give up on the things that you know will complete you - for dreams do come true. miracles do happen. and life is beautiful, even when it traps you in the worst of its storms - chances are it is only so that you can truly enjoy the beauty of a clear blue sky and heat of the sun on your face.