My birthday is in two days and I’ve literally never been more depressed. I don’t know why it happens…

My birthday is in two days and I’ve literally never been more depressed. I don’t know why it happens every single year even when I try my hardest to avoid it. My grandma died on my birthday when I was younger, and it also happened to be the same day my bio dad, along with the rest of that side of my family, left. He blamed me, and made that very well known. From that point on it wasn’t my birthday anymore, it’s the day my grandma died. We were on our way to go see her, she had just finished my birthday cake and had a heart attack on the kitchen floor. Every year has been full of nothing but guilt, anxiety, depression with a feeling of abandonment. I just want to shake these feelings and enjoy the day for once 😪