This post is for anyone who has lost a parent they were very close to. My mama just passed away yesterday. She was very young, only 47. She had a very rare heart disease for as long as I can remember. She was on a ton of different medications and had difficulty walking long distances or moving her arms too much, because her heart wasn’t pumping blood through her properly.
On May 8th, I was at her house with my children. We were hanging out, talking, the kids were playing... a typical day for us. I asked her if she felt ok to watch the kids later that night while my fiancé and I went to the gym (also very typical. She loved babysitting them.) She said yeah. I took the kids home to bathe them, get them dinner, and give her some quiet time before we came back. She was perfectly fine and watched the kids while we were gone. We came back, talked for a while in her living room, then came home and everyone got ready for bed. Around 2:30 the next morning, my sister calls. Somethings wrong with mom and she needs to go to the emergency room. My fiancé took her right away. I was very worried, but we’re also used to this because she was always having issues and pains 😞 She couldn’t feel her left side of her face or her right arm. She couldn’t close one of her eyes. They did a stroke test and she passed. They did some scans and looked like she had a blood spot in the back of her brain. They sent her to a neurologist about an hour away to make sure it wasn’t a tumor or anything serious. May 10th, I took the kids and my sister to go see her. She was seeing double and still couldn’t really shut one of her eyes. They had been taking her in for scans to continue looking at her brain. She cried a little and said she was tired of it always being one thing after another 😞😞 I will never forget her telling me that. I tried my best to comfort her, and said they would figure out what was wrong and she was gonna be okay. I texted her the next day to see how she was doing and then went to see her again on Mother’s Day. She looked at her card and admired her gift. My fiancé got a few pictures of me standing with her at her bedside. We stayed for a few hours and then decided it was time to take the kids and go. I told her “I love you. Let me know if you need anything” and gave her a hug. My children all hugged and kissed her. That was the last time I got to talk to her 💔💔
The next day, I received a phone call saying my mama was put on a ventilator because she was having a hard time getting oxygen. Her brain had started swelling and she was bleeding excessively in the back of her head. I was asked if I wanted to leave her comfortable and have her end up dying, or wanted them to take her in for an emergency surgery to hopefully fix it all. I told them to take her for surgery.

I rushed to the hospital and waited for her to be done. When it was over, my family and I took turns going into her room to see her. I prayed she would pull through. I needed a miracle. I wholeheartedly believed she would be ok because she was SO strong. She had been through 2 open heart surgeries and so much more.

Tuesday, I went back and stayed for several hours.
Wednesday, I went back and stayed for several hours.
Thursday, the same.
Friday, the same.
No progress. Her cat scans showed a significant amount of blood in the middle of her brain. She wasn’t responding to commands, wasn’t giving much of a cough reflex, no corneal reflex, no squeezing my hand. She was fully on life support, as of Friday. We were told she would never walk, talk or eat on her own again. I hated seeing her suffering like that. I would talk to her every single day, hold her hand, & kiss her forehead...
I told her how much I loved her and how proud I was of her. I told her how strong she was and thanked her for being such a good mama and grandma. I told her I hoped she knew how much me and my children love her 😞💔
Yesterday, May 18th, I walked into her room and her hand was cold when I grabbed it. The nurse told me her blood pressure has been dropping really low and her heart rate kept going up. They had maxed out on all the medications they had been giving her. We stood by her bedside for about 3 hours just being there with her, listening to her breathe and talking to her about all the memories we had. My siblings and I decided it was time for our sweet mama to stop suffering and fighting. We decided to have them remove her breathing tube. My brother, his girlfriend, me, my fiancé and grandma stood by her bedside as she peacefully passed. I never want to relive that moment again. I will never forget how her hand felt in mine and the light purple nail polish she was wearing. I hope she felt our presence and knew we were there for her 😞 Hardest day of my life. I just need to know how to find comfort and peace, knowing she’s in heaven. How do I stop feeling guilty and feeling like I didn’t do enough for her or with her? 💔