I have never wanted anything more in life than to be a mother. After almost two years of trying and a miscarriage, I had lost hope. Then,
when I stopped charting my ovulation and quit paying attention to my periods there it was...a little blue plus sign. I remember feeling a rush of emotion, not just any emotion, but all of them all at once. I couldn't believe I was finally going to have my miracle baby. I was both overjoyed and terrified at the same time. I almost couldn't believe it! But as the days passed and my period was still a no show, reality finally sank in. I could not have been any happier.
Fast forward 30 weeks to today.
I often feel guilty because of my own emotions. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that I am about to give birth to a beautiful baby boy, but I don't think a single part of me has enjoyed this pregnancy. It's been a rollercoaster for sure, but the honest truth is that I have never been more sad, and I have never felt more alone than I have these last 9 months. This is when the guilt kicks in. I try to tell myself its only 40 weeks and 40 pounds. Of course that is worth the beautiful baby I have spent so many nights praying for. So why do I feel so down all the time? I wish I knew the answer. I wish I had a better support system. I just feel like my inner voice is trying so hard to be heard over this depression. Maybe these horrible feelings of loneliness and pure sadness will go away once I am finally able to hold my son in my arms.
Four and a half short weeks to go. I can do this.
I am not sure why I am writing this here. I guess even if no one is reading this, at least I can pretend to be heard. And to be honest, I feel quite relieved after writing this pity party of mine .
#myfirstpost