having very vivid flashbacks of the taste of liquor in the back of my throat. the burning/warm sensation when it hit my…

having very vivid flashbacks of the taste of liquor in the back of my throat. the burning/warm sensation when it hit my stomach. down to the fuzzy thoughts. I don't drink. I've had a little on my last birthday and that's about it since 2016. I tell myself I can't drink because I'm an alcoholic. I mean, I know when to stop, but I don't think I will because my emotional state is shit. even with the meds. I hate feeling so fucked up inside and everyone telling me it's bs & not real, etc. I'm suffering and I can't express that to anyone without it being a problem. i just want to be someone worth having a friendship/relationship with.. I'm sorry