Years ago, I hated when my friends would post stuff or talk about how "ugly" they looked in photos. I would tell them they're beautiful and they should own that.. while I tore myself down inside because I didn't feel as beautiful as them. No one really seemed to be interested in me or my friendship. Only a few. I ended up trying to "practice what you preach" so I always talked like I was confident. If someone would say "you're beautiful." I'd say "I know. Thank you!" They'd think I was conceited or stuck up. Little did they know I felt disgusted by my own reflection. That everyday I cried or told myself "you'll be okay. You're pretty." To keep myself from thinking "who are you kidding? You're ugly and everyone else just feels sorry for you. They don't really like you." I still put on the show of being confident to everyone. One day, I met someone that, at the time, made me feel pretty. HA! over time, he slowly tore me down. I didn't wear enough makeup, didn't dress very cute, didn't like his friends, whatever... he'd say thing like "no one will ever love your more than I do." "You're so stupid." "You're annoying, insecure, needy, clingy, etc." No one could see that he broke me. Inside and out. I retreated to my shell. They thought I did that because I thought he was the greatest guy. Hah. If only they knew how often I cried when he'd leave me to hang out with friends, old crushes that were still "friends," talk to girls behind my back, lie to my face, tell me what to do because I didn't do enough for him and it's what I should do. How he'd physically hurt me when I'd tou h his phone because a girl called, he got messages, fb notifications, his friends would try to tell him to chill, etc.. yes, I fought him back. Yes, sometimes, rather alot of the times I'd push him or slap. Even punch him in the arm or something. I don't think I was stronger than him because he always overpowered me. Even when I tried telling his friends that they didn't know what he did when they weren't around and how he'd hurt me, they didn't seem to care or maybe they didn't think about it because I wasn't their friend, he was. I sunk into that more and more because then I had three kids with him. The first was a miscarriage. Today, I refuse to initiate contact because I don't think we deserve him in our lives. He pops up with a phone call or just shows up once or twice a year, maybe. And a huge part of me internally jumps because I don't know what could happen if no one else is around with me. I'd fight him through hell and back for my kids. And I think I'm okay now. I'm happier without him, but I can't get back to being pretty. I see everyone on my friends list getting such positive responses about how beautiful they are, but I never get any.. I say nothing about it, but it hurts. I just keep it inside because they don't need to know nor would they care...
- sad person. 👻