So I am coming on here to say how I feel w/o judgement of some people that have nothing better to do than make other mother's on here feel bad about what they have to say. I am coming on here to say how I feel because Facebook and any other social media is inappropriate for me to express how I feel about this topic w/o the fear of wanting to be totally anonymous.

Here's a little of my back story: (I'm sorry if its too long.)

I had a miscarriage back in September of 2017. My husband and I were trying but not if that makes sense. After the cramping and the big clots and the feeling of nausea as my baby passed, I still had hope of my baby being alive until I was told there was no baby just left over afterbirth in my womb. It took even after I came back to work for my baby to fully pass. It absolutely killed me inside. I never got over it and I know I never will. I went back to work, put a smile on my face, and went on like people begged me to do. I still cried at night, I still do. I think about the baby I lost everyday. My, what used to be ob, told me the baby I lost wasn't even a baby yet, to not cry, to not blame myself, that I can always try again. Things I didn't want to hear ever. I felt I didn't have anyone to turn to, but I also didn't realize how much it killed my husband either. I know now we should have been there for each other.

When I ended up pregnant again I found out November of 2017. My used to be ob told me not to get my hopes up because she was sure it wasn't really a positive. She treated me like a child. I ended up switching obs and I also quit my job in fear of having another miscarriage. I had more problems throughout this pregnancy than I have had with my son. Not a lot of people know I have anemia or gestational diabetes. I learned late about the diabetes and as soon as I heard I had it, I thought it was no big deal. My little girl would probably be 9-10 lbs, no problem. I was wrong. I learned how much risk she is for being stillborn, I learned I could end up having an emergency C-section. I found out I have more to worry about.

Anyways... My husband told me last night that if she doesnt make it, that he wanted me to know he didnt want to try for another baby right away because he still hasn't gotten over the first loss. I absolutely lost it. I started crying. Not because of him telling me he didn't want to try again, but because I havent gotten over the first loss either. I didn't try to replace the one we lost. I never wanted to replace our baby. I lost it because I don't want to lose our baby girl. I don't want to have to go through burying our 3rd baby. I don't want my husband to go through this. I don't want my son to lose his sister. I know I'm probably worrying too much, but there's still a chance it could happen because it happens everyday and with me having to be induced at 39 weeks, I have 15 days left. It will come soon and I am terrified.