abusive father If a man is abusive to the mother of his child does that mean he will be abusive to the children? Can he…

Even pushing is physical abuse. This has been going on longer than you realize. Do you have the means to meet with a lawyer? I think it would be wise to have someone review that contract with you so you know what your options are.

I think he has anger management issues.

I know it would take a lot for him to change. I never saw myself in a situation like this. His father was abusive to his mother and to him and his mother didn't protect him. He's not like that all the time but when he is its so hurtful. I keep praying to God for a way out but I'm not leaving my son. I'm rely grateful for the advice and support. Just being able to talk about it helps. As of right now we are trying to get back into couples counseling.

Any document signed under duress is not valid, even if it's notarized. Please get in touch with your local domestic violence advocacy center immediately.

Not necessarily.

I work with many domestic violent offenders and some of the victims tell me their partners are great fathers, but sometimes they abuse everyone. At the end of the day, abuse is about power and control.

This is an area of expertise for me. There is no real answer to your question, violence falls on a continuum. There are many men who are abusive to their intimate partners that can and are good parents, but that is only if they are not in a relationship and engaged in violence against a partner. They fall in the category of domestic abuser and, often, they are only abusive to intimate partners. They can be somewhat rehabilitated. However, they are never able to be rehabilitated while in a relationship with one of their victims and can not be in a relationship with their victim. It is like an alcoholic in recovery sitting in a bar all day. They will always see that person as their victim and treat them accordingly. They may be able to have positive relationships but only if they are in active recovery and have accepted and followed through with true treatment.

Some men fall into the category of anger management issues, they are more likely to be above toward children as they are indiscriminate about their anger and behavior. There is a different kind of treatment for this and can be somewhat effective but they do pose a risk no matter what.

No matter the situation, the abuser must see their actions as a problem and be active in recovery in order to have positive relationships with people including their children.

As many have said before, domestic violence perpetrated in front of children is abuse and has long term consequences even if it happens only once. Ongoing witness of DV leads to actual cognitive and chemical altering and is extremely detrimental. You risk losing your children if your partner is abusive to you and/or children and you are unable or unwilling to protect them from the situation. As a CPS worker of many years, I can say that it can happen that children are removed from the mother even if she is the victim. It is heartbreaking but it is imperative to protect the children if a parent can not or will not.

Please seek professional help. You are seeing a counselor, ask them to refer you to domestic violence experts that can help you navigate into a safe position for you and for your child.

He will not change, you can't "help" him change. I'm sorry you are going through this. You should have never signed anything regarding your child. Recovering addict or not, that does not make you unfit unless you are still using. He played you like a fiddle my dear. I know it is hard because I, myself suffer from verbal and emotional abuse by my current husband. My daughter is my strength and we have been separated for a year and a half but I still try to make it work. I know I have to let him go for my baby's sake and my own. You need to let him go for your baby's sake and your own. You also need to see how binding the document you signed is by going to speak to a lawyer yourself. They often offer a 30min to hour consultation for free. You deserve better. Your son deserves better.

Just witnessing abuse can be extremely traumatic and emotionally damaging. (I am a therapist)

My mother was physically abused by my dad and still (in my opinion) abused in many other ways. Her staying with him meant that we saw a lot, heard a lot, and experienced a lot of his anger ourselves.

I feel abused by him. To the point that I feel tense (even if just slightly) the second I see him.

Unless it's notarized I don't think it matters that it was drawn up by a lawyer, especially because he's abusive

You felt threatened by him so you signed them in fear you were manipulated and cohersed (sp?) into signing them which is just gonna make him look bad.

If you're in therapy I would think your therapist should have notes on your sessions and you should ask them for help. tell them he hit you and you fear for you and your sons safety. They can help you escape and keep you son safe.

You can do this!! If not for you for your son!

I think it depends on the situation. My friend is leaving her verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive husband but he would never ever hurt his kids. He is a s*** ty spouse but honestly is a great dad and now that they aren't together he's being a good friend to her.

My dad was verbally and physically abusive to my mom growing up. He was a fantastic father and never laid a hand on me except for normal discipline.

It was horrible growing up watching and listening to that. It took her a long time to get us away from him. I would do whatever I could to protect myself and my children from that. Good luck mama

In my case, yes. I thought for so long, "He's still being a good dad. He isn't hurting her at least." so I was allowing him to have her every weekend.

Turns out he WAS abusing her and I didn't know it until his roommate finally fessed up. The ex tried to justify throwing her across the room (when she was 1) by saying "She landed on the couch. She wasn't hurt."

He hasn't seen her since.

It's not always for sure that if the father abused the mother then he'll do it to the children but you shouldn't certainly keep your eyes out for ANY signs of abuse.

That still doesn't make it legally binding and enforceable. Did you actually go to a legit law office to sign it? Or did he just tell you "this was written by a lawyer."?

Even if it was, it can always be contested. You can fight it. You signed it under duress (you felt forced), you didn't have your own legal representation, you did not understand the ramifications of it. You are being abused. No judge would uphold it.

Do you have a copy of it? Find yourself a local family lawyer and show it to them, ask for help. Talk to your parole officer and tell them you need help with this. Tell the officer you are a victim of abuse and need help. Tell them the abuse it escalating.

The document was drawn up by his lawyer

You put your child in a dangerous situation by signing that. You need to tell the police or courts or someone that you're being abused. A man can't be a good parent if he abuses his child's mother.

This document, does it have any title on it? A government seal from the county you live in? Did you sign it with your parole officer present? Did you sign it with a notary public? If not, it might be completely and totally invalid and not enforceable at all. It does not sound legal or binding.

It literally could be something your SO just made up, wrote himself, and made you sign as a way to make you think are are trapped.

I completely understand why you thought you had to sign it, because he is your abuser and manipulated you into thinking this was how this is done. He took advantage of your vulnerability. This is abuse all by itself even without the hitting. This is what your child is facing, someone controlling every aspect of their lives and making them live in fear. Once he is beyond your SO's reach, he might be so conditioned that he seeks out a partner as an adult that will treat him the same way.

Do you want your child's entire life to be living in fear? Of your SO, then his romantic partners? Change his future, give him a chance, make that call to the hotline number I gave you.

I am in counseling and I've been honest with them about the abuse.

I signed it because I was so afraid of losing my son. When I left him he bought a house while I was staying in a studio apt with a friend. I m a recovering addict. I am on probation. I was convinced he would get full custody. He told me things would change if I moved back but he didn't want me ever leaving with our son again. About a month after we closed on the house he slapped me across the face which he has never done. He's always been verbally abusive but the physical was mostly pushing and things like that.

Honey please, if you feel stuck and have no where else to go, if you feel like there is no way out for you because when things are good he is go sweet and perfect but sometimes he just loses his temper but he can change ...

Please please please call the National Abuse hotline at 1-800-799-7233

They have people 24/7 who can talk to you about identifying what is really happening, how you can go about getting help in your area, what your rights are, what resources are available to you, how to protect yourself if you leave, therapists (because trust me as a survivor you will need one), how to make a safe exit plan, etc.

Great that he agreed to therapy, but is he actually going? Has he made any effort? This document that he had you sign, is it from the courts? Did a lawyer have you sign it? Because it sounds like bull s*** that he just made up to trap you to me. I've never heard of such a thing. No court anywhere will give him custody if he is a known abuser. Ever. Like walrus said, make sure you document everything. It could be your only way to protect your child.

Even if he never lays a finger on your child in anger he can still abuse your child in a way that will destroy his entire life. It is your job as a mother now to protect that baby, including his potential future. Draw strength from that, and get out.

If i may ask, but why would you sign anything stating he could have primary custody if you leave again?

You need to go to court and get that fixed if you're being abused, OP. If you have evidence that you are being abused, he will not be able to keep your son. That was his way of controlling you, not helping your relationship.

@payton I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me.

I just want to help him change. I know hes better than this.

Most of the time, they won't change. My dad was my mom's knight in shining armor. They started dating when my mom was 19. She was pregnant with my sister by another guy. My dad stepped in and was with my mom since she was 3 months pregnant. He went to every appointment and was my sister's father 100%. After my sister was born is when he showed his true colors. He started verbally abusing my mom and as the years passed, it turned into emotional and physical as well. My mom never left him. If he didn't cheat on her and leave, she would still be married to him. She stayed with him for 22 years of abuse and would have kept on living that life sadly.

Thank you for your advice and your support. I cannot leave because after I left him and took our son the first time he convinced me things would change. He agreed to counseling and I signed a legal document stating that if I chose to leave him again he would have primary custody of our son. So no, leaving is not an option for me.

You my friend are in denial! ! Get your baby and leave!

He will never change, it doesn't matter how well he's doing those traits will always be there.

There is no amount of love to keep you there. You as a women and mother needs to realize that your in a toxic relationship and get out.

All of these ladies are telling you their childhood and what they have been through and your still sitting here saying he will change.

At this point I don't feel sorry for you, I feel for your child. If your that ignorant you can't see what's in front of you and what your going through why in hell will you help your child.

I'm not being rude nor do I want to be but you either need to get out or set your life up for a long road of torture and know that your baby will either be the abuser or the victem one day.

If your okay with knowing you can walk away and you stayed for what you think is love by all means do what you feels right. But don't you dare get pitty for something you could of prevented.

That's all I'm saying.

I see the way he interacts with our son. I know he loves him. But Jeremiah is a baby right now. I just want to protect him as much as I can. I also want to believe so can change. He used to be very loving and sweet and supportive.

My dad was very abusive towards my mom. He beat her while she was pregnant, recovering from a csection and every time in between. He ended up beating the hell out of me. Out of 4 daughters I was the only one he ever bothered because "I remind him of himself". When I was 8, I was beat so bad that I couldn't sit for 2 weeks. He kicked me down the hallway with his steal toe boots on, ripped by my hair off of the top bunk, thrown into a corner and kicked some more. Every bit of my body was so bruised except for my face.

I truly feel like if a SO/husband beats his wife, he will do so to his children. If I'm ever abused by my SO, I will leave right away because I will then believe he is capable of abusing our children.

Mhmm, I would say 9 out of 10 times, yes.

ETA: yes that they would be abusive towards the kids as well.

I think there's a big difference between physical abuse or threatens of physical violence, and "emotional abuse."

My DH is an amazing dad, but I'm sure his ex is 100% certain that he "emotionally abused" her. They had a LOT of terrible screaming matches which were indeed very stressful for everyone involved, including their child. However, when they broke up, everyone was much happier and both were better parents.

Physical violence is much more black and white IMO. If you hit the mom, you're probably going to hit the children as we as the next woman you're with.

ETA : I'm sure there are many cases in which the father "emotionally abuses" both the mother and the children, however it is much more difficult to prove/withhold visitation.

If you think your children or someone else's children are in danger from domestic violence, you should call the domestic violence hotline. They can give you very specific advice on the best steps to take.

Unsure

Children exposed to violence in their family, show the same pattern of brain activity as soliders exposed to combat. Whether witnessed or physically experienced.

I ? Amelia.

You said that so perfectly.

No no no they can not!!! If a man can hit a woman he can hit a kid!

An abusive partner is a bad parent. You cannot be a bad person and a good parent, it doesn't work like that.

I believe if a man can abuse anyone, much less his wife, he is not a good man. It takes a good man to be a good father. So no, if a man abuses the mother of his child, there is no chance he would be a good dad.

I agree with pp.

I hope you arent the victim in this , if so , please get help immediately. :)

He can be a good father but it's also not healthy for the children to see and be around that and that In turn can damage the children. If he's abusive get out do not stay for the sake of the kids it will only make things worse.