Rant: I do not have it easy

Yesterday I went to a friend's house, she has a baby boy just a few weeks older than Charlotte, but he was term. We get to talking about our babies, as moms do. And she says that I'm lucky to have someone taking care of my baby all day and night. That I have it easy because I don't wake up around the clock to feed her. That I'm not working and can spend all of my time doing what I want. I about lost my mind. Nothing about this is easy, I do not feel lucky. I feel terrible all the time. I feel terrible that I'm not the one taking care of my baby all day and night. I hate that when I get up in the middle of the night that it's to pump and not to bond with my baby. I sleep with my phone in my hand just in case something terrible happens. I worry all night. That is not a restful nights sleep. I don't have any free time to do what I want, I spend 12 hours a day at the hospital. And that is not fun. I am not lucky, I do not have it easy. Believe me, I would much rather have her home with me.