Would you be mad?
My brother and his ex don't have a great relationship. They have joint custody of their 6 year old DD and my brother gets her every other weekend and 5 weeks in the summer. Both he and his ex are married now (they were never married to each other).
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Wow some of these comments are making me even more mad than the original situation.clearly some of these women have never had to deal with co-parenting.
The ex sounds like a spiteful b**** and there's no way I would tell her what we were planning.he even went so far as to tell her that they were planning a vacation, which he didn't HAVE to do, he did it out of respect.plus the little girl is going to tell her mom where they're going, just not before she has a chance to ruin it.yes Disney is a big thing, but when you co-parent you have to live with missing out on a lot of your child's firsts.for instance,I didn't get to be the first one to take my son to a movie theater.it's not fun, but you suck it up because your kid is happy and that's what matters.however this chick sounds awful and there's no way I would tell her what we were planning either.I think your brother sounds like a fantastic dad and a great guy for trying so hard to be civil with this crazy lady
@rueda- really? "Some other b**** ?" I really hope your kids don't end up with a stepmother because it sounds like you would be just like OPs brothers ex.
OP, your brother is doing something awesome and the ex sounds like a jealous cow. If she's known for ruining surprises, than its a good thing he didn't reveal the Disney trip. the second they are on the road, he should relay details and such since she is her mother and does deserve to know.
I'd be pissed I wasn't told but I'm not the kind of person who would ruin it for my kid.
I'm a step mum and that is exactly what my step daughter's mum would do to us if she knew we were planning something like that. She would ruin it or tell us we can't take her for some stupid reason. So I see both sides. Sorry I'm no help lol.
? at some of these comments. The ex is clearly bitter/vindictive as well. OP I see why your brother hid the destination from her. She is crazy and controlling. Every relationship is different and with that there will be different approaches to handling situations. In this case your brother really wanted a moment with his daughter and he got it , kuddos to him. Sometimes you have to do the extreme to get a little bliss and not telling his ex zip got him his bliss with his lo. I side with daddy on this one?
My husbands best friend went through this type of rubbish with his crazy ex wife. Their daughter is now 10 and she has learnt the hard way what to tell and what not to tell her mother, as in the past her mother would make up blatant lies and excuses to stop her from going to exciting places with her dad. It all got worse after my husbands best friend and his new wife had a child together. She's very bitter and twisted, but she doesn't seem to understand that the one who she has hurt the most is her daughter.
I think communication works both ways , if it was my only child I probably would feel really jealous and a little upset that one of her firsts wasn't spent with me but on the other side you have to be happy and put on a good face for your child so they know that it's Ok to go and have fun without you .
I don't understand why people comment without actually reading what the op has to say.
On that note, no I absolutely would not be upset if I was in that situation. I would probably be a tad bit jealous that I didn't get to experience her first Disney trip but I would still be super excited for her. I completely get why he didn't tell the ex before he revealed the surprise. It does sound like she would have ruined that for them. But since he made it known he was going to be taking her out of state and since the daughter is actually calling her before they leave for Disney I see absolutely nothing wrong on his behalf. I hope they have a blast!!
@Brunch - I agree with what you are saying and in a perfect world, they would have a good co parenting relationship but they don't... Even though he has attempted time and time again.
Also, he is driving so no plane travel involved.
Here are a few examples of how far his ex will go to upset him.
1) anytime there is a new kid movie that comes out, she ALWAYS takes my niece to see it first so my brother can't. Even if it's his weekend and the movie just came out that day, she will take her out of school early and take her to see the movie. 4 different times he tried to surprise her and take her to see a new movie she really wanted to see, picked her up, told her they were going and my niece said "oh! I just saw it two hours ago".
2) when my brother was planning his wedding, they had asked his ex if they could switch weekends because the venue was booked on the weekend they were planning. His ex said no, that if they wanted his DD at the wedding, they had to do it on a weekend they had her. They ended up switching the venue and booking it on their weekend so my niece could be in the wedding.
I don't know, you guys are all acting like she did something awful when she actually hasn't done anything besides ask what the surprise is. They're just speculating about how she might react, it's not about anything she's already done. I think she had the right to be kept in the loop. If the father of my child was the kind of guy who would plan a trip without even letting me know, I would probably be pushy about wanting to know what the "surprise" was too.
I think Cali is a little confused. This has nothing to do with me or my children.
I think both parents are acting a tad immature here. As the mother, she has a right to know exactly where her child is being taken, especially if it's out of state (on a plane, in a hotel etc.) For the dad to just say it's a surprise vacation out of state is unacceptable. For him to feel he has to say that bc the mom will "ruin" it is also sad. I trust my Dh completely, he's an amazing father and husband but I'd still be upset if he told me he was taking my kids on a vacation and wouldn't tell me where they were. Parents should know where their children are, period. They have joint custody and they are co-parenting. Big decisions, like a child's first trip to Disney (especially when it includes major travel) should be made together (regardless of who is actually taking the child on the trip.) IMO decisions about major things like travel, school, major medical decisions etc should be made together when the parents have joint custody. These are big moments in a child's life and one parent shouldn't be excluded from being involved in the decision making just bc the parents had a bad relationship with each other. They need to grow up and discuss these things calmly together.
As an aside, one of my closest friends is divorced and shares joint custody of her dd with her ex. When it was time for the child's first trip to Disney, they went on the trip together. The parents (obviously) stayed in separate rooms but they took turns taking their daughter into the parks and even did some of the major events together. They have both remarried and now have additional children but all of the parents (including the steps) meet for counseling once a month to strengthen their communication as coparents and make sure everyone is involved in the decision making. I give them so much credit for putting aside their hurt feelings about their relationship for the sake of their entire family.
And yes, he pays child support every month too, a portion of all medical expenses and they split all additional expenses 50/50 (school dues, extracurricular activities, etc).
He is a very active father when she allows him to be one. She left him when she was still pregnant (she was sleeping with multiple people so she broke it off with him and waited for a DNA test to determine who was the father). My brother wanted to be involved from the beginning, even wanted to go to her doc appts but she would never let him.
Before she moved to a different state, he had her every other weekend and two nights during the week (overnight). He is such a great dad and loves his daughter so so much, I just feel bad that he got stuck dealing with someone like her for the rest of his life.
Why does your daughter have to call his ex if it's his ex???? Just because they have a kid together doesn't mean your child needs to be entangled in their drama. Lol
If I was her and my ex was taking a trip with my child I would want to know the details. But I suggest skip the call. It is his business he needs to handle the situation and leave you an your daughter out of it.
If he is a true active father in her life. If he is there regularly not just weekends but when she is sick and school event's the whole nine and he financially provides willingly then I do not see why it should be a big deal to the Ex. She should be happy her daughter has a father who is in her life steady not just for the fun times but all the time.
Does he have to go out of state for the vacation to Disney?
I would get really angry at my Ex for trying to do these things with my kids. Because ONE he was not a steady everyday father. He missed his visits, wasn't there when they were sick, never attended school events. He agrued to pay child support and never did it on time if at all. But when he would come by he came with presents and gifts and vacations. Yes, it pissed me off because here I was going to school working two jobs to make ends meet and because he couldn't help financially I could never afford to do these things for my kids and it was partly his fault. He was trying to buy my kids affection and be a part time super dad when he felt like it once in blue moon.
So, I guess my point if he was like my Ex then I could see the argument with the Ex. But if he is a genuine father then its her who has the problem.
Ugh I hate women like this .... you are probably like me and so glad your brother got out of a s*** y relationship ..... my brother was in a relationship with a b**** for the longest time .... They separated about a yr a ago I guess..... and she only gave my brother every other weekend with them (my brothers a dummy cause he hasn't gone to file for coustdy) .... And he gives her 500$ a month this past month was 800 for school clothes and supplies .... and this past Sunday was my dd party and we asked her if we could have the kids for an hour or two and she said no that they had something planned ..... I'm like you b**** I just want to punch her in her damn ugly face but it's not even worth it .....
Thank ladies! In our state, because they share joint legal custody, neither parent has to get this "approved" as long as the vacation/trip falls within the agreed upon custody agreement.
Plus, as a mother, I would hate to have to get permission from my ex if I ever wanted to leave the state on vacation (I don't have an ex, I'm speaking hypothetically). If she could tell him no, then he could tell her the same and that's a can of worms I hope she doesn't want to open.
She sounds pathetic. I don't even think she has to know where he takes her, he's her dad. There's a custody agreement in place. Of course him telling her would be common courtesy. I hate exs that try to punish the other, and bring kids in the middle of it, for there own selfish reasons.
Me and my ex have joint custody of our 3 kids and before he can take them out of our state (Maryland) he has to ask me permission. He can't just take them I also have to know when they are leaving when they are back what state they will be in and if for any reason I'm not comfortable with it I can say no
I agree, pp. I feel so bad for my brother. He's such a great dad and really tries to have a good relationship with her but she won't give. Last year, she didn't even invite him to her first ballet recital. My niece asked him if he was coming (he didn't even know about it) so he asked his ex to give him the details and she said "oh, well I only got XX amount of tickets and I've already given them away." He ended up having to call the studio to get more tickets, took the day off and drove 8 hours round trip just to be there for her. After the recital was over, the ex wouldn't even let my niece talk to my brother.
He did. He said "we are taking her on a surprise vacation out of state." She told my brother that was fine as long as he agreed to have her back by next Saturday, which he did (per the custody agreement, he technically doesn't need to have her back until Sunday but he always tries to be the bigger person with her.)
He did tell her they were taking her out of state, just didn't say which state. Also, legally he doesn't have to since they have joint custody. And, his ex doesn't really have any room to be upset about that because she up and moved to a different state last summer and only told him two weeks before she moved.
Wow. If I was the ex, it wouldn't bother me at all. Id b super happy that my daughter would get a chance to do something like that. She sounds super selfish. She needs to chill and b happy for her daughter! If it was someone other than her father Id have a problem with waiting to b told. But as long as she's with her daddy and her mom knows where shes gonna b I dnt c the problem.
Crazy ex-SIL
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Thank you ladies! I just posted because I really wanted honest opinions from people who deal with things like this. Of course, as a parent, I would be a little saddened because I wasn't able to be there but in no way would I be mad at my ex. I will update once I hear from them. They are leaving within the next two hours.