I don’t see how you are a douche. You talk to your mother for hours. That’s insane. I have people in my family that are self centered and I just blow if off. I would call her less frequently and don’t worry about if you talk about yourself. If she doesn’t want to know that’s ok

This is like my MIL...telling the same 5 stories and ever asking about us - it’s always about her and her boyfriend. It’s different because she’s not my mom, but I just try to not talk to her much/for long periods of time

Maybe it’ll help if when you call you start out by saying “hi, wanted to call and catch up, but I have to get dinner started in about 40 minutes” or something like that. That way she still hears from you, but you’re less exhausted. Maybe it’ll also clue her in to how you have stuff going on, and maybe to ask about it all.

Sorry I’m late but wanted to respond. Sounds like she’s used to the dynamic you have. I’m sorry that she couldn’t even see past herself and acknowledge your achievement! It may be best to tell her how you feel in a nonemotional way face to face. Is she far away? That way you know you tried. If it goes poorly, you may need to consider that the relationship you have w her is going to keep disappointing you and not to expect anything from her anymore. I know it’s hard and all easier said than done. But since it’s a call you can mentally prep yourself not to need from her anymore.

Do you have any older women in your life you admire and consider a mentor? Maybe having a person like this would be helpful.

@Rose she has a job, at least one friend outside of work, and my dad. I've been on her dinner date with her and her friend once before and she lets her friend talk! That's the kicker, she lets her friend talk. She lets my dad talk. She even lets my SO talk. Wtf?????

It's almost laughable that I'm the only one. ??

Don't feel like a massive b**** , you're allowed to feel like that, I think pretty much anyone would in that situation.

I honestly think it's a case of she doesn't know that she's doing it, which happens with a lot of people. Is she lonely? Maybe she just doesn't get to get a lot off her chest? I've know a lot of people who could talk for England and repeat the same stuff just because they're incredibly social and if they don't talk to someone they build it all up and don't stop lmao.

Except with my dad. He's a retired pastor so nothing's ever good enough. So I don't call him. I occasionally answer the phone if I feel like being a masochist that day.

This was the same for me she was always so pessimistic , but sadly I lost my mom last year and would give anything to have those annoying conversation again with her.

? you just described my mother. I never answer my phone to her. She finally picked up on if she doesn't text she won't hear from me.

I literally won't talk to my mom if she's in a bad mood. If I'm with any other family she will call or message me a ton of times and it's all just negative stuff and it just puts me in a bad mood. It's only when I'm with other people too, if I'm home she's just fine. Pretty sure she gets jealous, but I don't care. I don't need to hear about how someone you work with is ugly or how you saw "the ugliest kid" today. And if I try to get off the phone or not reply she posts passive agressive stuff on Facebook about how she has nobody who cares about her feelings.

My mil is the same way when she knows me and dh are out to dinner since we rarely go out. She will call 10 times and then try to argue.

This sounds exactly like conversations with my mom. There have been times I've called her out of desperation to have her come over and watch my son so I wouldn't go insane. She can spin the topic to herself in 30 seconds flat. I feel guilty "burdening" her with my problems but the end of every conversation. Hell, even when I came out to her as bi, she somehow changed the conversation to be about her and my dad needing to divorce and how depressed she was. Seriously.

Like @honey, I'm pretty sure my mom is starting to become schizophrenic. She is very paranoid, delusional, and has massive depression and ptsd. I don't call her anymore. I just text short things like "you're grandson ate a crayon today" to lighten her mood. When she calls, I let her say whatever and leave it at that. She complains that she "never gets to see her grandson" yet she won't make the effort to come see him (I live 10 minutes away). I love her and care about her, but I just can't talk to her like most people do with their parents. I also had the conversation with her about needing her input on issues I'm having and not being so one-sided. I've cried and told her how I feel. Nope. It just doesn't get through to her. The best thing I've done is try to ignore it and seek conversation elsewhere with my friend and husband. My mom is welcome to call me anytime, but I try not to call her, since it just becomes hurtful. Why put myself in that situation if I don't have to? Good luck. Hopefully your mom changes a bit and you don't have to lose out on a relationship with your mom.

I have this exact situation. I would definitely call only once a week. My mom is also very repetitive and can't handle anything more than very superficial conversations. In the past before I learned this I would tell her things that she would later throw in my face. ? We frequently have fights bcuz any time we steer off topic she inevitably gets pissed about something I say. Frankly the only thing that helped it was having kids. Now I send a couple pictures of the kids a week, and we facetime 1-2x a week. So she gets to "talk" and feels she has enough contact but it forces her to be positive bcuz its with the kids. She gets to feel like we have had adequate contact while I can largely escape having any conversation at all outside of prompting kids. It won't be as easy as the kids get older but this is a great solution for now! Anything I really want to talk about I talk to my friends or husband about. Good luck I know this sucks

That’s how it is with my MIL. Always guilt trips and her trying to play a victim.

This was me when speaking to my now former best friend. Every damn phone conversation was centered around her. She would call me and immediately jump in to talking about herself, not caring how I’m doing or what I’m feeling. When she did ask me how I was, it somehow looped right back to her talking about herself.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I was admitted to the hospital with pre-eclampsia and had my daughter 2 months early. Did this heffa call or text to check on us? Hell no! In a last ditch effort, I sent her a text saying I had given birth. She told me congrats and I didn’t hear a word from her until after my daughter’s first birthday in September of last year when she was begging for me to forgive her yet still rambling on about herself. That did it for me. I refuse to have another friendship like that ever again, and it broke my heart to have to end an 18 year friendship because she was such a selfish ass. Whew.

I would drastically cut down on the amount of times I call her per week. I think once a week would be fine.

But you can't speak to her face to face as she doesn't listen .

Catch 22 right there.

Seriously sounds like my mum. It's weird.

@honey anything that's not face to face confrontation is 'running away from your problems' according to her.

But the idea, as a few of you ladies mentioned, is a great idea. It's a perfect idea for me as i am a much better writer than speaker. But it wouldn't work on her unfortunately.

Eta I've even spoken to my dad about it in hopes that he'd speak with her for me but not from me. If you know what i mean.

Honestly I'd be ok with everything else if she would just ask me about myself.

Could you write it down? Maybe send her a text or write her a letter.

I think the talking is just draining .

I've tried telling her how i feel. It went so bad and did more harm than good for my side of things. That was years ago though. I feel like the reason i call so much it to increase my odds of getting to finally say what it was i wanted to telling her.

The past couple years she's been bugging me about not going to college and now I'm finally ready and started Monday and now she doesn't even give me a chance to talk about my class ?

I'm sorry to hear that. My mums just the same so I know it's absolutely draining, confusing and often tiresome.

My mums a paranoid schizophrenic, I can only talk to her about subjects she wants to discuss which to be frank are very superficial, uninteresting and repetitive most of the time. If I talk about anything outside of the weather or crap TV she can become very abusive and cruel. She tells me she doesn't like me and she wishes I wasn't born or that I don't like her and I'm scheming to do her harm. After years of heartbreak I ve learnt to never ever step away from the safe topics. Never speak about myself, kids or things that may be bothering me. If she's not in the mood I keep it VERY short and sweet.

Maybe you could also cut down contact. You don't have to talk on the phone for hours just speak for half an hour and end it there. I don't know maybe your mum can change but if she's anything like mine that's not gonna happen so you have to figure out ways to cope.

That’s like my grandma. She calls to talk about herself, her friends, and her small-town gossip. She usually finds a way to sling backhanded insults at me. Last time, she called me 3x in a row while I was in class. So I called her on my break, thinking she needed something. She proceeds to ramble on about how my ex husband was so nice when we first met and all this crap about why he left. I’ve told her time and again, he’s on drugs and mentally ill. He is not rational. He admitted to lying to me for years so I’d stay with him. She still thinks I should take him back and “fix him.” Like, the 15 years I wasted on him weren’t enough? I love her, but I hate talking to her.

I agree with phoebes. She needs to understand how you feel. If she wont, call her a lot less. My mom calls me a lot but she always asks about how I'm doing it feeling and about the kids.

Totally understandable. It’s hard to like someone who never asks you how you’re doing or is interested in you. Relationships are a two way street and if not, they’re incredibly exhausting. Considering it’s not some random person, I think it hurts more and is more disappointing bc of what “ought to be”.

You can show her love and care by calling but you aren’t responsible for her emotions. I would try to be honest about your feelings and just write down how you feel beforehand to let her know something like: “when I call you I feel like you’re uninterested in my life bc I don’t do much of the talking. While I love listening to you, it’s hard to believe you care about me or my life when you don’t ask me more questions”

If she gets offended, that’s on her. I would give her a chance to try to make an effort but I would definitely reduce my calls. The only thing I do that many times a week are very basic like: eat, pee, poop, sleep, shower, clean, cook, change diapers and look after my family ?