my mom...
... Is trying to convince each person attending to back out of my baby shower. And texting me letting me know as each person backs out.
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You need to step back from her in a big way, even if you won't cut her off, you need to put boundaries up.
She may be your mother but she is being emotionally abusive and toxic. You get all the pain and suffering while she gets the smug satisfaction she is getting her own way and fuelling her narcissistic behaviour.
My mother turned everything, every event, I ever had into a circus because the limelight wasn't on her. I went through so much pain before I got the courage to say enough is enough and now we only see her on my terms and when I can control the situations.
Good luck and I hope your baby shower works out wonderful.
Wow!!! She sounds just like my MIL. I believe my MIL is a narcissist. Have a read up about that type of person and look into "gas lighting".
They are the hardest people to deal with in my book. And its even harder that shes your mum. I get it. But she is not doing you or your family an favors. At the end of the day anything and everything will always be about her. She will always turn it around to make herself look good or make others look bad that they have hurt her. You will have to accept that you can never win with a narcissist. They never change and they are very toxic. They will always and forever be right and you will never come first to them. They are the be all and end all and must be the center of everyone's world. If not they will go around and try to eliminate any support system you have and try to tear you down till you fell like you need them and cant live without them. You are only there to make them feel and look good until you dont fill that purpose for them then thats it.
My MIL is the EXACT same way. We finally had to cut her and most of hubbys family out of our lives, because it was too toxic. She would play the victim and pull sob stories on people. She made parties and big events all about her, even if it wasn't planned by her.
For example: at my gender reveal party she started crying because it wasn't a girl. And made a huge scene in front of everyone. Then she started crying because my mom got to go to the ultrasound and she didn't.. For obvious reasons.
Basically things didn't get better until we cut her out of our lives.
That sounds like a great book PP. I'm putting it on my amazon wishlist. I clearly need all the help I can get ?
OP, you should order the book "boundaries". It's an awesome resource for learning how to appropriately set boundaries in your life that you won't fail to control later. Boundaries are so important in relationships-- especially toxic ones that won't just "go away" (i.e.: parents!).
This reminds me of my mum. I cut her off about 4 months ago after her being a nasty vindictive brat for the last time. I blocked her number, Facebook and told my OH to also block her. Yesterday my FIL rang saying he got trapped in a conversation with her and somehow she knew that my OH's wallet got stolen at New year and his work messed his pay up and stuff, I knew who had told her straight away and texted my nana telling her not to tell people my business.
I have absolutely no problem cutting her off, NIL. She's a nasty b**** , she's the most self centred person I have ever met, she is also lonely and bitter just like your mum and she deserves to be. They do it to themselves. Cut the string OP.
What about just installing some boundaries?
Example:
- she no longer gets to plan events, be involved in planning or help in any way. She is welcome to show up.
-if she becomes dramatic/crazy/spiteful, I will use the same phrase and stop answering. That phrase is "I'm sorry you're upset over this however this is my life and I will live it as I so choose. If you cannot speak to me like an adult, this conversion is over and you're welcome to contact me when you've accepted I am no longer a little girl".
-I will not allow her to insult me, my partner, my parenting or my child. If she's over, she will be asked to leave. If I'm with her, we will leave. If it's a conversation, I will address it once and then the conversation is over.
-if she can't be civil via text, fb, email etc, she will be blocked. She can contact me via someone else's phone if it's an emergency.
Things like that mean she is shut down before she gets to annoying and starts being mentally draining.
Good luck.
I know cutting her out would be hard, but if any of them were truely your family they would go regardless of what your mom says.
They way she is acting is ridiculous! I would cut her out and be done. You should be able to enjoy your pregnancy and you're not able to because of her childish actions!
I had to cut my sil out cause she was the same way she hated me and my son! Made everything about her and she's just toxic, once I did I was as happy as can be!
Have you told her that she is really hurting you by what she is doing?
Yeah I plan on going to the shower and everything. I just feel like no one is going to go now which sucks. But whatever.
She's the kind of person that draws everyone into her personal feelings/drama. So she will probably try to damage my relationship with as many family members as she can. Under the guise of, "Look at how selfish she is! My own daughter doesn't care about my feelings!"
So it's not like I'll just be cutting her out - I'll also be cutting out every person she has influence over. Which is... My brothers...my grandmother... My aunts and cousins...
It's just craziness and it's so unnecessary.
You're going to have a very miserable life if you don't learn to put you and your family before your mother. Get over her feelings and move on with the baby shower. Do exactly what pp said.
She plays on your feelings. Like a child who throws a fit for attention when things don't go their way. If you ignore the tantrum, and stay consistent in your decision, the child normally learns that the behavior is unacceptable and quits after a while.
It's time to cut your mother out in a stern, calm manner.
She would be happy to rule my life, which is why it's great that we live 40 miles apart. If I don't want to see her, then I don't see her.
She has continued to text me, saying more of the same things (basically "poor me"). I haven't responded.
If she holds to her pattern, she will wait a few days or weeks and then text me like nothing ever happened. ?
I'll be honest, if I were in your shoes, I'd probably react the same. She's your mum, cutting her out & taking back some control feels completely alien and wrong because of who she is. But it's gotten to a point where it's seriously going to start messing with you, she'll start ruling your life if this continues.
She is a very bitter woman, that is clear as day & it's only going to drag you down. Take your life back, otherwise it's just going to spiral.
Yeah, it just sucks because she's my mom, you know? No matter what she does I've always shrugged it off because she's a lonely, bitter person.
But this is pretty bad.
Ugh I've always known my mom is a little crazy and tries to push her feelings on me... But I never thought she would purposely ruin a party like this.
She is so CRAZY. When I confronted her she got all defensive and told me she does love me and the baby. In spite of my "poor decision making." (reference to my planning thus child with my DH) And then said she was making the baby a sweater.
She needs to be medicated ?
How can a party celebrating the birth of a baby not be from a loving place?
I would respond with, "I'm sorry you feel that way mom. I disagree because I know the people hosting this event love me and want to celebrate my baby, and your texts are the only things that feel unloving in this situation."
Then she told me,
" Auntie M backed out because when Auntie E explained to her what and how this was planned she refused to participate. Auntie E is not attending either. Neither is cousin M who also thinks this is not born of a loving place. "
She forwarded me exactly what she said. This is what she told the host, in response to a personal invitation by text.
Fwd: Good Morning _____, I appreciate your generosity for being willing to host a baby shower for Natalie and Violet. I also feel disappointed that it was not approached in a loving manner. Participating in such an event does not feel comfortable for me.
Because she's a batch that's making this whole thing about HER feelings.
Long story short, she threw me a shower and didn't invite any of her family who asked to come. They got mad and decided to throw me their own. She got mad and now when anyone talks to her about the shower she tells them a sob story so they un-RSVP.
There is a long previous post on this too in case you want to read.
I just read your other posts about her, this is ridiculous. I think you should tell her she's taking it too far now. She's acting like a 12 year old that didn't get her way. Also, why are those people listening to her??
Side note- I creeped and saw you live in NH, I do too!
Oh sweetheart ? She doesn't sound like a nice person at all. This is terrible and tbh it makes me sick. I agree with @shessovain I think she's toxic and it's going to get worse. I know it's your mother but this is not the way to treat your child. Is she mentally ill? Like she has to always have the attention and spotlight on her? This is riduculous and SHAME on any of your relatives who are enabling her to behave this way by following her