I'm sorry you're going through this! If it's at all possible, you need to try to figure out a plan B, for you and your kids. Even if it's just temporary! Like, staying with someone else for a while or making arrangements for someone else to watch your kids while you're working. I don't see things changing or getting better for you, unless you start doing something different. Start talking to people, to see if they know anything that may help you out. He obviously doesn't realize how good he has it. He needs a wake up call! You deserve to feel appreciated and to feel special. I understand he's depressed..but maybe, that's because he's just really unhappy with how things are. A change may be good for both of you. Who knows? It definitely takes two people to make a relationship work! I know you love him, but you can't be the only person holding your family together.

I am so sorry you are going thru that it is horrible that he treats you this way. Yo are far from being selfish and a horrible person in my opinion you are a great person you are taking care of your family and putting your priorities in line give him a few days and let him cool off and try and speak to him I'm telling you this from experience my husband is somewhat like that I myself started working after 2 year of being a SAHM ad he doesn't think I need to work and I need to stay home with the kids well my mom watches my kids so I can work and when he gets him I get treated like crap and gives me the cold shoulder and doesn't help me with the kids I have to feed my son and my daughter give them baths and so on so I understand what I do is give him a few days and then I speak to him try it and it will work

I'm so sorry OP! I hate to say this but I think you need a separation for a bit of he's not willing to work it out. Maybe he might start to appreciate what you do for your family or maybe he might not. It sounds like he's really depressed and has low self esteem and taking it out on you. That's not how a partner should act. You're the best thing he's got and he's throwing it all away.

If he doesn't like the situation he's in, he needs to be the one to get up off his ass and stop complaining. Now that the shoe is on the other foot and he has to be the stay at home dad, youre all of a sudden the bad parent for not being home WHEN CLEARLY SOMEONE NEEDS TO FINANCIALLY TAKE CARE OF THE FAMILY. He is putting himself in that problem. Nobody's fault but his. If he wants things to change, he needs to be the one to do so. There are so many women that have to stay home, cook, clean , and look after more then 2 children. He should take this as a wake up call and get his crap together and stop blaming you to why his life sucks. Youre doing the best you can keeping your family fed and a roof over their heads. Its very disrespectful of him to even say those words to you. He's not one of your children, he needs to grow the hell up

He's not open to counseling. I asked this morning when he finally got up at 10:30. He said I'm mean without provocation and that he's "just over it."

I think I may be, too. Relationships are hard work, I know that. But it shouldn't be a constant struggle to stay together. It just shouldn't.

I understand how frustrating this can be. He has no right to call you names when upset, that's immature and uncalled for.

My hubby was a SAHD for almost 3 years. All while I worked full or part time. He didn't clean or cook dinner. He would take care of our son and he did a great job but it was frustrating to come home after hours of work And I am the type who can't sit down till at least its tidied up a bit. So immediately after coming home from work I'd be cleaning at 10/11pm. But when he did clean or straighten up I was so happy and shocked. I agree that if he is a SAHD he needs to do the cleaning and cooking. Yes taking care of kids are exhausting but ur also working, your just as tired if not more.

So he doesn't want to be a dad, just a basic nanny (without additional duties), but you're a crap mom?

Don't get me wrong, I'm a sahm (and depressed) and it's really frigging hard sometimes. There's lots of days I get nothing done but keep the kids alive. And yes, I do want help from my so. But, A) I don't get upset if he doesn't want to clean either (but he usually does help with dishes and getting the kids to pick up), B) I would never request nevermind expect him to take the girls somewhere for an entire day just so I could lie around (although that would be beautiful), and c) I still do a lot of the kid stuff myself (bedtime routines, breakfast, etc) even when he is here.

Obviously there are multiple sides to each story and it takes a lot of work to come to a point where you can find a middle ground of understanding. But it doesn't seem he's willing to do that. And if his depression is affecting him this bad and he's refusing to get help, than it might be best for you and the kids if he did leave. If it truly is depression and not a serious rift in the relationship for him, of he gets help, you guys will hopefully be able to sort it out. But you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Best of luck.

Thank you ladies. Logically I know these things. Emotionally though... it gets tricky. I know we've both changed, but I thought we were changing and growing together. I just want what's best for my family. I know he'd feel better working but I don't know how to get him to go back to work. I feel pretty lost about the whole situation. I'm just losing hope.

No you are NOT selfish!

You are working to support 3children and one grown man who can't even pick up the house.

You are coming home, fixing dinner, doing bedtime, an showing him attention. You are NOT selfish...

Honestly, if he said all those things to me. If I felt unappreciated, unloved, uncared for. All while I'm trying to make him feel better, trying to make him happy. All while he says I'm a part time mother?

I'd ask for a separation for awhile, until he can see you aren't selfish. But it takes two to make a relationship work. It takes all you have. And if he is willing? He was the one who broke it, not you.

You're asking all the right questions. You absolutely deserve all those things and he sounds like a selfish douche. Anyway, HE'S the one calling quits on the relationship, not you. No one ever calls a man who works a "part time dad" and you certainly don't deserve that just because you're working to support your family because he's too lazy to find a new job. You're doing the best you can and that's all anyone can ask from you!

It seems like your husband would do better if he were working.

It's like he's very spiteful of you.

Oh goodness. This made me tear up! ? You are no where near selfish. Please don't think that way.

It sounds to me you are an AMAZING Mom AND provider. I go to school full time and I'm also the sole provider for my family as well. We have more in common than you know. ?

Oh honey, my heart breaks for you. My lo just woke up for a feeding but, I'm coming back to your post because I really want to give you some advice.

I'm am truly so sorry you're going through this. I understand EXACTLY where you are coming from.

I've been on the other side of this so I understand where he's coming from. With that being said, I also cleaned, cooked, did laundry etc. All the house work. Even yard work. When my ex came home from work he literally did nothing to help with the kids and it was draining and I was lonely. It sounds like you take over when you get home but it should be you guys working together.

Can he join a group of stay at home parents? Something to get him out of the house and around adults?

I don't know the backstory, but from what you've written it sounds like he's a stay at home dad. If that's the case, shouldn't he be keeping up on the housework rather than you having to do it?

You're not being selfish at all. Everyone needs time to do what's best for them - you gotta take care of yourself & your mental health. Counseling might be a good idea so you two can communicate more clearly the needs that each of you have. He may have feelings that he's not communicating with you that you don't know about.

You are not a horrible person!! Far from it! You are a great mother and worker and wife, but you forgot about yourself. Take 5 minutes tomorrow to just breathe. I hate that superwoman mentality that we live in.

And I understand that he is depressed, but that doesn't give him the right to s*** on you. Like pp said, try counselling. But you can't give your 100% plus what he's not giving. There's only so much you can do.

Good luck momma!

I can only suggest counselling. It sounds like neither of you feel you're being heard and understood. You are both exhausted and frustrated. Lots of good luck to you

Omg, this made me cry. Yes, what about you? You're not selfish. You need all of these things just as much as him. I can't really give much advice on how to fix things, but what I can tell you is that you're not wrong. You're not selfish. I hope things get better honey.