Need someone to talk to. Made a new account because I didn’t wanna post this on my regular one (I…

I’m sorry you’re going through this. From what I’ve gathered, and seeing friends go through this, an abuser always is controlling, before it escalates to physical. 😕

Maybe let your dad read this so he knows what it’s really like if you’re too ashamed to actually tell him?

I hope it gets better. For your sake and the precious baby you have. ❤️

Yes! Get out.

Sorry to be harsh but this behaviour is called “gaslighting” google it hun. It’s a form of Domestic violence and leads to violence in most cases. In my case it did.

If you want to ask any personal questions about it please pm me and I’m happy to talk.

Run. Far, far away. Please don’t stay and let your son think this is how you treat your partner. Go to your dads and fully explain the extent of his abuse. I’m sure he will not encourage you to return this time.

I agree with what these ladies are saying. Please leave before things get worse. They won't get better. You aren't the abuser. He's controlling every aspect of your life

I've just left a situation very similar to this.. I told myself over and over "it's not abuse cause he's only mean sometimes.. he only calls me names sometimes.. he only gets mad when I do something wrong."

It wasn't until he physically restrained me so I couldn't comfort my screaming 2 year old that I realized (with the help of my BB batches) that my relationship was NOT normal.

I tried to keep us together.. thinking it would be for the best. We did couples counseling and everything that I opened up about, he used against me the next day.

I strongly, STRONGLY encourage you to reach out to an abuse counselor. Also, read the book "why does he do that?". It's a wonderful book about WHY abusive men abuse. It also explains the cycle you've described... big incident followed by being nice and apologetic.. this is an abusers way of creating traumatic bonding which makes it harder and harder to leave.

If you can,leave.. you might not succeed in leaving the first time or the second. But you deserve better. PM me if you want to talk more privately. No judgment from me. I've been in your exact shoes

Telling someone I don’t know to leave their relationship is not something I take lightly. Minus the child, I have been in the relationship that you are in. As you have clearly figured out, it does not get better. It will not get better unless he understands that HE is the problem. I guarantee he sees nothing wrong with his behavior. He needs counseling. Perhaps if he would agree to couples counseling you could try to work it out. But frankly, I’m worried for your safety. If you’re not convinced, I recommend speaking to a counselor yourself. My ex had me so twisted that I thought I was the abuser. Until I saw a counselor who pointed out that I was being manipulated and abused. If anything, a counselor can help you to see the situation through some clear eyes. Please seek help.

@alexistol33 couples counseling is not AT ALL advised if 1 partner is abusive. The more she opens up in counseling, the ammunition he has against her.

@carpetmushrooms, that is one opinion.

@alexistol33

http://www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/

The national domestic violence hot line does not recommend couples counseling when abuse is present.

Couples counseling is great in a normal relationship when both parties can accept responsibility for their actions, but in an abusive relationship HE is the problem.

Abusers are great at manipulating and will act apologetic during counseling only to punish their partner when they get home.

You have left once so you know it’s the right thing to do. Returning to him was a mistake. I understand you wanted your family to work but the way he treats you is no way to live. Leave for you and your son. Please have a plan so you aren’t tempted to return to him. Do you think he will stalk you or harm you if you leave? That’s my main concern for you.

@alexistol33 I can provide many more links from assorted psychology and psychiatric journals that strongly suggest AGAINST couples counseling for relationships in which abuse is present.

Sigh...I’m so sorry you’re going through this. To answer your thoughts on “Am I the abuser?” The answer is NO. Abusive people do not even entertain this type of thought. It demonstrates a level of empathy and reflection that most abusers are not capable of without serious consequences or guidance from m a trained professional. The fact that you are even analyzing your behavior from this level means that you have the ability to empathize and modify your behavior in the event that it is not helpful in the current situation. However, the real issue is whether you are capable of setting healthy boundaries in this situation. While you’ve certainly improved in this area, the fact that you are still being treated poorly, and questioning a situation that is most certainly not serving you is a sign. You may want to spend some time meditating on how you’d like to feel on a daily basis, your self worth, and the modeling that you would like to present for your child. Only a very small percentage of what you say teaches a lesson to our children, it’s the things that we (and the other members of our family) do that shape who they become.

Leave and don't look back!! I wad with an abuser for 5 years and what finally broke us up for good was me bring in the hospital having to get surgery and learning how to walk again..... don't let it get that bad! Leave while u still can!! Im here to talk if u need to

So I’m not a B.B. lady and maybe you don’t want my input, but I really related to this when I saw it. The things you are describing, I have been there. I was with someone who started out treating me like a queen. I thought he was my forever. We had so many amazing years. I don’t know when it changed, but one day, I started realizing that I was in an awful relationship. Going out was a privilege I had to ask for. I was not allowed to own my own car, I had to use his so he would know exactly when I left, where I was going and how much gas I used.. most of the time, he went with me. If I “looked more tan”, he would start berating me asking me where I walked to and who I was walking to meet. I was told what to wear and was only allowed to show skin at home or else I was “a whore”. I was given a cell phone in his name so he could see how many texts/calls I was making. He would literally sit there with the call log and count out messages to make sure it added to equal whatever the bill said, just to be sure I wasn’t deleting any. At one point, I’m ashamed to say, he would “inspect” me “down there” to see if I was sexually involved with someone else. If I shaved anything on my body, he wanted to know who I was “trying to impress”. And I know this post isn’t about me. But girl, I see the signs. My stomach churned as I read what you had to say. These men are not good for us. This is NOT love. This is abuse. I had no way out. I had no where to go. I was in a different state than my friends/family and I had no car, no money and no hope. I thought I would be there forever in this endless circle. One day, he put his hands on me. It was bad. And the next day, he bought me flowers, said he was so sorry and asked me to marry him. I nervously said no and the next thing I knew, my face was being shoved into the carpet. A few weeks after that, I walked in on him with another women in our bed. Something just clicked. I ran out of the room, stole his car keys and wallet and took off. Drove myself to the airport, left his car in the “arrivals” wait lane, bought a plane ticket back home on his card and left. I left everything I owned with him in that horrible apartment. I didn’t have a child with him, thank God, but I can only imagine how much worse it would be. I know it’s hard. I know you keep trying to convince yourself that this will pass, he will get better, he will learn, he will grow... but he won’t. And it is NOT your job to wait for a boy to grow into a man. It is NOT your fault. You deserve to be treated with respect and love and your baby deserves a father that knows that. A home cannot be broken if it was never whole. A couple months after I left, I met my current boyfriend. We have been together for 6 years. I cannot explain to you the difference. I finally saw a good man treating me well, loving me, trusting me and respecting me as a person. Go to your Fathers house. Don’t LET HIM win. He does not control you, nor should he have this emotional hold over you or your child. If you ever need someone to talk to, I know lots of women here have offered up themselves, but I am here as well. I will keep you in my thoughts, girl. 💕

Also, sorry for the essay. My heart just hurts for you.

You will feel more guilty giving your child a dad like this, leave now and tell your fathers the reasons so they help to protect you.

Even worse your child will grow up learning how to treat women from his dad...and eventually may become an adult abuser to

@magsb18, I like that idea and I’ll definitely consider it. I’ll be sure to save this post.

@carpetmushrooms, I really appreciate that. I’ll be sure to shoot you a pm one of these days. I’m going to look into buying that book.

@moski, honestly I’m not sure. I want to say no. But in the past (like, a while ago) he has told me that he’d kill himself if I left, he would kill me and the other guy (🙄) if he “found anything out”. Obviously there is no other guy, but his version of finding anything out can also be as simple as me not telling him a couple guys have hit on me. Right now, I don’t fear for my safety, but maybe I should start.

Thank you each and every one of you. Reading these comments really put things into perspective. I feel “excited” to leave, if that makes any sense. Thinking about life without him even gives me butterflies. I’m just scared of how I’m gonna work things out for my child and I. I hope I can give him the life we deserve.

Don’t let your father guilt trip you when clearly this situation IS NOT what is best for your child. I’m always rooting for families to stay together but NEVER in a toxic situation and honey you are in one. That is controlling and abusive. Please find the strength to leave you will beat the guilt and second thinking, stay strong and you will look back and thank yourself for giving your child a positive role model

Jesus it's like I could have written this over 4 years ago. I felt the exact same way too. Like maybe he's right, maybe we were the problem? NO. It's not. Please please don't let your child grow up into this mess. It's not fair. This is not a stable environment. This is a ticking time bomb.

If you still loved the heck out of him I'd give different advice. But you're not in love and no longer happy so I say is time to move on.

Go to your dad's and immediately start planning your new life and the steps to get there.

Try to be kind but firm and keep talk to mainly your child. I'm afraid he might start to be physically abusive so keep an eye out for that and a close eye on your child behavior after a visit.

Let him know that if he harassed you there will be immediate police involvement and that you are truly done.