Ladies, I’m struggling big time.

A little background: I’m 37, We have been TTC for nine years, hubby has a child from a previous marriage and had a vasectomy. Shortly after getting married he had his vasectomy reversed and we’ve been trying since. He has always been on board, but he hates all the money(we are self pay) we’ve had to spend and he doesn’t have the strong desire to have a child like I do since he already has a son. We’ve done 4 retrievals and 4 transfers, first transfer was a 3d fresh transfer and was just BFN, the second was an FET with 5d blasts, and was a chemical, the 3rd was with 5d CCS tested embryos and was BFN, after that we did an ERA and found I was pre-receptive so we added an additional day of progesterone before transfer, we got our BFP, but beta started out low, doubled normally for a week and then stopped doubling and were only slowly rising, we finally got above 1000 and did an ultrasound, where they found one small sac but not the other so they diagnosed me as a missed abortion/possible ectopic and treated me with methotrexate. We were absolutely heartbroken & and I’m still struggling. At my follow-up my doctor said that it would not be unreasonable to try one more time with my eggs since the additional day on progesterone was only added this last time, but given my egg score, he thinks we should do it ASAP, otherwise he thinks we should move to donor eggs/embryos.

I had hoped that getting closer to actually having a baby than we ever have before would spark that desire to have our own kids together a little more, but instead he is ready to move on to donor embryos. When we initially talked about our next steps, we got into a pretty big fight because I desperately felt like if this is my last shot at our own biological children we can’t just walk away from that without trying but he feels like everything we’ve tried has failed but now it’s time to try something different. But I feel like it’s easier for him to give up on our genetics because he gets to look at his son everyday. He said he would ultimately leave it up to me, but basically said if I decided to try my own eggs again he was going to like it. (Jerk!) We eventually worked through it a little more and he does understand why it’s so important to me to try again and says he will support me and be 100% on board with another round with my eggs. But now I’m wavering, I feel like the entire weight of this decision has now fallen on me. I’m terrified of it not working and I think with donor embryos, there’s a good chance that by this time next year I could be holding or getting to hold a baby in my arms. Where if it fails - instead I’ll still be trying to figure out where we’ll get the money to try donor embryos. I tried to talk to hubby about all of this last night and now he’s pissed that there is even anything to talk about, he thought we had settled on doing another round and doesn’t understand what the problem is. I try to explain it to him, but it’s like we are speaking different languages right now.

I just can’t decide this on my own, but I feel like he’s refusing to make this a joint decision because he’s not getting what he wants.