Yesterday 3 years ago, my whole life came crashing down on me. I lost a breath that I was never able to catch, my heart…

Yesterday 3 years ago, my whole life came crashing down on me. I lost a breath that I was never able to catch, my heart skipped a beat that never started back. Not only did I lose my beautiful baby girl, my daughter, my best friend, my other half, my world, my everything....I also lost myself! Still today I am in disbelief. Every night when I go to bed I still hope and pray I'll wake up the next morning to find that it was all just a terrible dream. The pain I feel day to day is just the worst feeling that I can't shake. I know that it will never go away. I managed to keep going on these past 3 years and I know it's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. I watched a few people so close to me go through this same tragedy! My own Mother being one of them! Loosing her youngest Son and my brother at the age of 26. Just watching my mom suffer. You could literally just look at her and feel her pain. Same for the other women in my life that I had to watch bare this horrible nightmare. I always seen them as the most beautiful, STRONGEST, and bravest of all Mother's. As they continued their lives through the unbarable pain of loosing there precious child. I looked at these women like HEROS!

Now that it's me.....I feel so weak and so terrified! I could never figure it out? How these women did it? How they carried on? I sat around and waited to be strong and brave! Like the women I looked up to so much as a child. What I didn't realize was that it was within me from the moment I heard those words. I sure didn't feel it but it was there. It took me really looking back to see how strong and brave that I actually was. How else would I have made it through spending the last few hours laying with my beautiful lifeless baby in the hospital bed after getting the heart shattering news? How I made it having no choice but to walk out those hospital doors and leaving my beautiful baby behind? How I made it going home to my daughters empty room? How I made it through the viewing and her funeral? How I made it through every birthday and holiday that I had to celebrate without her? How I am still managing to make it today? I am making it because the Good Lord is with me, he holds me up, he keeps me together, and he makes me strong and brave. I might not feel it but when I look back and wonder "How in the world am I doing this?" I know that it's because of him.

Today I sit and imagine how Hannah would be today? She would be 8 years old. I wonder how her hair would have been by now. She maybe would have had a haircut by now? And her beautiful light blonde hair probably would have darkened to more of a dirty blonde like mine did. Her beautiful big blue eyes would still be the same. I bet she would still be so tiny for her age just like I was. I wonder what size clothes and shoes she would be in? And I wonder how much her little personality would have changed? One thing that I know for sure is that my love for her will NEVER change. She will always be my most favorite chapter in my life! She will always be my most favorite person, and she will always be my beautiful baby girl. I love and miss you soo much Hannah Nicole. I can't wait to be with you again someday!