I'm not sure that James (bf/father of child) and I are gonna make it. It absolutely breaks my heart to even Imagine not being with him. But I feel as if we both put on a mask or show to try to keep each other happy, and it only last for a little while and I'm back to fighting back tears. The list of things he does wrong is just as long as the things he does right. I'm constantly on a teetering ride between happy and sad.

I truly love him with all my heart. I have been loyal and devoted to him since day one. But I have not received the same. There has been mountains of lies worth leaving him over and I chose to forgive him and try to move forward. Repeatedly my kindness has been taking for granted and he chose to lie again. Big things, small things, stupid things; he tells me its because he did not want to upset me. His cowardness of owning up to his mistakes and trying to hide them upsets me more than the original problem.

After being lied to through out most of our relationship, the result is a paranoia of it happing again. Now I find myself constantly worried and searching for lies. I guess that means that deep down I really haven't forgave him. And how do I when it never stops.

There are a million emotions and doubt's that come with being lied to. I feel isolated from his life that doesn't include family. I have never met any of his coworkers, and as a couple we have no mutual friends. There are always excuses on why I shouldn't go with him to see his friends. As anyone could imagine, this doesn't make my fear of lies any better.

Like I mentioned before, the list of wrongs is as long as the list of rights. I could go on and on of all the things he does wrong but not without remembering what he does right.

He is a selfless provider for our family. He works so hard to give our son and I everything we need, and damn near all of our wants. After working all day he comes home and cooks for us (as for I am not that good of a cook) and then makes my plate and brings it to me. He is a jack of all trades and rarely gives me any slack about fixing things around the house. Not to mention helps me with all of my Pinterest projects. And when I'm sick or down he practically waits on me hand and foot. He is a wonderful father to our son, I honestly could not ask for a better one. He does whatever he can for his family.

So now you can see why I'm so conflicted. I'm constantly asking myself; is the bad that bad, or is the good that good? My emotions pulling me in two different directions is mentally exhausting. It really takes a toll on me and it effects the way i function productively through out the day. Im really not sure what to do anymore. I just want to be happy.