Never thought I'd be one of the women who gets postpartum depression. I can't stand it. I'm crying…

Never thought I'd be one of the women who gets postpartum depression. I can't stand it. I'm crying when there's no reason to. I'm sad all the time. I'm barely eating. I can see the worry in my fiancé's face. He always tries to make me feel better and he helps me whenever I ask without any complaining or questioning. I know he knows I am overwhelmed. He tries to get me to talk about it and I try my hardest to keep my composure and explain to him. I know he just wants to help make this better. Breastfeeding is the most difficult thing I have ever encountered. I thought it would come naturally. My baby girl latched on and fed for 40 whole minutes when I was in recovery after my c-section. We were so happy- feeding should be a breeze with her being such a natural at nursing. But then when the blood tests came back that her jaundice was elevated, they put her under the UV lights to help bring it down and had me supplement with formula until my breast milk came in. THAT is where the nightmare really began. Aside from not knowing how to breastfeed (because this is my first child) I quickly became overwhelmed from not being able to soothe my baby, feed her, and bond with her after those lights interrupted something that was going so easily. Lactation consultants at the hospital and nurses were of no help. Telling me she's got a good latch helps me 0% in the middle of the night when my baby is having the hardest time figuring out how to nurse. She's tired, I'm tired. She cries, I want to cry even more. I feel like I can't comfort her. I have no idea how much food she's actually getting. I try to pump to make it a little easier on us, but it's hard to get the motivation to do it some days. I don't quite feel suicidal, I just feel beaten. I know the first 2 weeks are the hardest, but why couldn't the hospital prepare me for that? I love this little human so much and I love my fiancé too- I want to be strong and push through this slump but I'm having a really hard time and I'm trying to let people help but no one wants to help at 2 or 4 in the morning. And I don't want to bother anyone. I'm trying to do my best but I'm worried this is going to get the best of me.

-a first time mom experiencing the extreme struggle #momlife