I feel where you coming from girl, sometimes you just have to take that extra mile, no more step mommy, you are mommy. Somethings Ive done was take their toys to shelters so they can understand what happens when you dont appreciate things, they go to someone who does. After a dozen or so toys they learned not to keep them on the floor, if they only clean for when they want their friends come over, I wouldnt allow that, bring past situations so they can get a clear understanding on why they cant come over.. Reassure her that her father has your back, and what you will go regardless of him being there or not. I would tell him not to allow his daughter to think your say so doesnt matter. If you say no he cant say yes. This is where the I dont have to listen to you comes into play if it happens enough..