Feeling super lonely. I'm at 37 weeks today with my first baby and just wanting to be done. Not that the pregnancy has been hard, it's been super smooth for being high risk, so much that I know some mommas would probably trade places in a heart beat.
It was so hard to get pregnant: 5 years, multiple doctors, horrible medicines, things that many of us have gone through. When we found out, I couldn't have been happier. I wanted to tell everyone, but testing was not coming back great, so we both kept quiet and let the new round of meds work so the little one would have a great chance.
12 weeks, the all clear and everything looks great is given, and we can't wait to tell people. I've never had the joy sucked out of something so special so quickly. I can say I've had a nasty crash course in being with someone that came with a big family built in. There has been the stupid stranger that we've all had that will open mouth and insert foot, they've been easy to deal with. Especially after my mom told me to stop being quiet and polite and just tell them where to go (some times permission to not be a lady is just what you need). The hardest part had been family and friends. They have beaten me down with comments that I haven't been excited for months now and I barely even mention the baby. My SO has only one girl and multiple boys. When we found out the baby was a boy, I'll admit, I took it kind of hard. But the worst was hearing "it's just another boy". It's my first baby and from the start we were both placed as just another number in the line. His parents have been very open about how they think we are crazy, and others have mentioned it's not a big deal since there are other kids already.
I never wanted to be completely fawned over, but some excitement outside of my SO, my mom who I live far from, and about 3 friends would have been great. I've tried to explain to the SO that having babies is a group thing, it's hard work and positive reinforcement makes getting through the 40 weeks easier. It would have been great to be able to ask a question or lean on someone, but every time I've tried, I've been put in the "how do you not know this with all these kids" group. So I ask the doctor and Google is my best friend at times. A baby shower had been mentioned, only to be shot down because those are for new moms, not people with a bunch of kids. I've even been asked why have a registry (which has barely even been looked at, let alone purchased from) since we should have everything. Which with 6 years between the youngest and the baby, and him thinking he'd never have any more, we really have a whole lot of nothing for a baby. Most of the time I'm the kind of person who doesn't care about what other people think. I never realized how lonely it gets when you see people tripping over them selves to pamper a new mom and then be rejected by those same people because I should be an old hat. To have someone else be just as giggly and stupid about being able to feel kicks, because it's my first time and at first I thought it was awesome.
I know it probably sounds petty. I never wanted a ticker tape parade, just a little excitement. Being happy is also the ability to share it with others and have them genuinely be happy with you. But here I sit, lonely and a tad nervous about the next few weeks, with no one to really bounce things off of. Is it really so awful to have wanted some of the little joys of being a first time mom?
