Moms,
We're so excited to have Karen Alpert join us today to chat ❤️ Thank you so much Karen. Please follow today's conversation on this thread by tapping the three dots on the top right of this post. Then press "Add to bookmarks." Every time we chat and there's a new comment, you'll be notified.
🎉Thank you to everyone who sent in their questions on the RSVP form. If you still want to enter our giveaway for a signed copy of Karen's book: I Want My Epidural Back: Adventures in Mediocre Parenting, please go to the RSVP form and add your name. Here's the link: ссылка
We'll be giving away a book halfway through our conversation today and one more book at the end, around 6 PM Pacific Time. And you are free to add comments to this thread! Karen may have a little time at the end to answer them.
Karen Alpert is one of the most hilarious moms we know. She writes the very popular blog Baby Sideburns and is a New York Times bestselling author of two books, I Heart My Little A-Holes and her most recent book, I Want My Epidural Back: Adventures in Mediocre Parenting. She spent fifteen years working for national advertising agencies until she was promoted to her newest favorite job — Mommy.
We love the way she doesn't sugar-coat the messiness of being a mom. She's totally real and she doesn't make us feel like we need to achieve perfection ever.
So let's get going! Here's Karen's bio from her blog: ссылка
"Hi, I'm Karen Alpert, aka Baby Sideburns. I'm a mom who likes to wear fat pants and drink Hershey’s syrup straight from the bottle while I cook dinner every night. And by cook dinner, I mean nuke chicken nuggets in the microwave. Thanks for checking out my page! You might notice that I swear on here a little. If that bothers you, I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better I never do it in front of my kiddos (unless they drop a bowling ball on my head or something), and really I just do it in my writing because what I write is what goes through my head.
Here are some other things I do besides curse in my head:
Use fake words like vajayjay and anyways
Write sponsored posts so I can buy chicken nuggets and Hershey’s syrup
Raise two kiddos named Zoey and Holden (who were 5 and 2.5 when this page was created but who might be 97 and 94.5 now since this page will probably never be updated)
Write books (cough cough New York Times bestseller)
Have lots of fun on my awesome Facebook page
Help other moms and dads by admitting that parenting is like crazy hard for everyone"
Комментарии
Thank you so much Karen for participating in our Q&A! It was so awesome for you to chat with us today 😂😂 Moms please follow Karen in the app @bsblogger and on her blog ссылка and Facebook page ссылка ❤️❤️ Have a great night everyone!!
🎉🎉Our last winner for the signed copy of Karen Alpert's book, I Want My Epidural Back: Adventures in Mediocre Parenting, is: @mattsmommy87 🎉 Please message us with your full name and address.
When you figure it out, please tell me. I feel like I'm giving my kids an eating disorder on a daily basis. We put healthy stuff in front of our kids and we say, you don't have to like it, you just have to try it. So they try it and then they gag like they're going to throw up. And then they say, "Is that enough to get dessert?" And if I say yes, I feel like I'm giving them too much sugar. And if I say no, I feel like I'm giving them an eating disorder.
Q. What are your thoughts on getting kids to eat a balanced diet, this is from a mom with older children.
Moms we are running late and wrapping the conversation up. Here's one last question from the community.
I am still trying to figure that one out. Zoey is scared shitless of water, and since Holden copies everything his sister does, he hates it too. We give baths like twice a week.
Q. Here's another community question: How do I get my kid to like bathing?
Bwhahahahahahahahahahaha. Wait, I'm still laughing. Bwhahahahahahahahahahahaha. Seriously, I'm like the opposite of an expert. I like to think that I've F'ed up millions of times and that I share those F ups so moms everywhere can learn how NOT to do it.
Q. How does it feel to be such a parenting expert now? You have all these moms asking you for advice. Did you think after writing: I Heart My A-Holes, moms would be asking you for advice?
It sucks (no pun intended) but you kind of just have to stick with it. Just remember that millions of moms have done it, and they all wanted to give up at some point. And one day when your kid is being a shit-head, you can remind him that you gave him life and that he cannot be an a-hole.
Q. Here's another parenting question from our moms: What do you do when your baby wants to cluster feed, and you're tired of getting up, lying back down and getting up again?
We both work from home and we juggle the kids. It's awesome because we get to spend lots of time with them. It sucks because we have to shut the door in their faces a lot and say we're working. And of course I do like 90% of the household stuff and I want to string him up by his eyelids half the time, but I guess that's the life of a controlling wife who has trouble letting go.
Q. Your husband sounds really supportive. Please tell us how he helps while you're working.
Oh jeez, I don't know. I started a blog as a fun creative outlet. I'm not sure I even knew what a blog was when I started it. Write or share pictures or art of whatever because you love it. Then, if the money comes, you're doing what you love.
Q. Karen, there are lots of community members who are interested in working at home or getting started in blogging. Any tips for them? Also, how do you find working at home?
Read my first book I Heart My Little A-Holes. There's a chapter called Going from one kid to two is, how do I say this, let me see, hell. It'll scare the shit out of you. The good news is my kids are finally best friends. It only took five years. Oh wait, never mind, he just screamed I hate you and is tearing her head off.
Q. Another mom says: How did you adjust after having baby #2? I'm pregnant with #2 & #1 is only a 1 year old right now, So nervous! I really think I would love to read your books, the titles match my personality so well.
Q. One mom just wanted to say: Please keep doing what you're doing you make me laugh and not question my parenting skills.
The hardest part is knowing that they are going to leave one day. It killlllllllls me. The easiest part is, hmmm, it's, ummmm, i this a trick question?
Q. 😂 Here's another community question: What's the hardest and easiest part about being a mom for you?
It hardly ever happens. Usually it happens when I have to poop so I run as fast as I can to the bathroom and lock the door before a rugrat can react and join me and I sit in there for as long as possible (until I hear murdering going on outside the door) and I read my People magazine. How sad is that? I consider pooping alone to be pampering myself. That is motherhood in a nut shell.
Q. How do you find time to do things for yourself? And is you do find time do you ever feel guilt for pampering yourself or taking "you time"?
It's not possible. And here's why. Mom guilt. No matter where I am, I'm thinking I should be somewhere else. If I'm spending time with my kiddo, I feel like I should be working. If I'm working, I feel like I should be spending time with my kid. But occasionally I have a moment where the whole family is hanging out or I'm cuddling with someone and I realize that I haven't thought about work or my to do list or anything else for the last thirty minutes, and those are the moments I live for.
Q. This one is from our community: Do you have tips for balancing motherhood and work and family? Is it even possible? How do you make it all work?
Q. Great answer! What sanity savers do you recommend for moms?
If I did, I just ignored it. Or if I was feeling extra ballsy, I told them to mind their own business.
Q. Have you ever experience mom shaming? Please tell us about it.
Honestly, most of the moms I know are awesomely supportive. MOST. Do I judge other moms? Uhhh yeah, I'm human. But I keep that shit in my head and I smile and say "good job." Being a parent is the hardest job on earth and the last thing we need is Mrs. Judy McJudgypants looking down her nose and telling us we're doing it wrong. Duhhh, I know I'm doing it wrong. That's why my son is doing a face plant on the grocery store aisle with snot and tears pouring out everywhere.
Q. You recently posted a thank you to a mom who disciplined your child at the playground. Could you tell us about what happened? This story really got to the heart of how it takes a village to raise a child. And that parenting is hard. Moms should be supporting each other more. What has your experience been about moms supporting each other?
Jeez, I wish there were funny stories to tell. Me writing a book is NOT pretty. I sit in Starbucks and put on my bitch face and God help you if you interrupt me. And I drink shitloads of coffee. This is why I only write a book every two years.
Q. Karen, we would love to know any funny stories while you were writing the book. Was it much different writing your second book than the first one?
🎉🎉Congratulations @mommacg3 ! You're our first winner of a signed copy of Karen's book, I Want My Epidural Back: Adventures in Mediocre Parenting. Please message us later with your full name and address.🎉🎉
What you should REALLY F’ing look for in a husband
Back in the day before my under-eyes looked like they were made of elephant skin and my vajayjay actually did its job and held shit in (yeah, I’m talkin’ to you, ’gina), I used to dream about my future hubby. I used to say shit like, “mostly I want to find a man who’s funny and makes me laugh.” But now that I have kids, I’m like screw that. Laughter is so overrated. Because if you’re still single, here are some things you’re really gonna want in your future baby daddy.
1. Pick someone who’s a light sleeper, so when your little crotchmuffin is screaming in the middle of the night, your better half isn’t going to be your shittier half snoring away in lalaland while you haul your ass out of bed every time.
2. You want someone who can carry a SHITLOAD of crap. So when you’re traveling somewhere, he can carry the suitcase, the car seat, the stroller, the backpacks, the diaper bag, the lunches, and the coats. You know, while you’re busy chasing your little douchenugget through the airport to catch him before he boards a plane to Syria.
3. Find someone who’s handy and can put shit together. Because yeah, it’s awesome that your crib from IKEA only costs $12 and comes in a shoebox, but when the hubby unfolds the instructions and they’re in 270 different languages and come with a baggie filled with 7,000 screws, the last thing you need is for him to have a heart attack. Because if he’s in the hospital, then guess who’s putting that shit together? You.
4. Find a guy who likes to ride amusement park rides, especially the kind that spin around and around and around. That way you can stand off to the side taking beautiful blurry pictures of your hubby and kiddos instead of riding it yourself and projectile vomiting, after which the vomit will sit there in midair until you spin around and it slams you in the face.
5. Pick a guy who’s taller than you. Then you can store lots of stuff up high in the house and use it as an excuse to make him do shit that you don’t want to do. “Oh honey, I’d totally change his urine-soaked sheets at 3 a.m., but I can’t reach his clean bedding, and it doesn’t make sense for both of us to get up. Guess I’ll have to keep lying here all snug in this comforter while you do it.”
6. But seriously, who gives a shit who you fall in love with? If he doesn’t come with good parents, ditch him. Because good in-laws are great for all sorts of things. Like buying shoes and underwear for your kids when they grow out of them every week, and babysitting, and leaving right after babysitting so you don’t have to stand there and chitchat at the end of the night pretending like you’re sober.
7. Look for a guy who’s kinda dirty. That’s right, if you walk into his super fugly bachelor pad and you squat over the toilet because you’re afraid, you just found yourself a winner. Because guess who’s NOT going to bitch at you for leaving the macaroni and cheese pot soaking in the sink for three days. Mr. McGrossy.
8. Find a total pussy. Nahhh, I don’t mean become a lesbian. Well, unless you want to become a lesbian. Then become a lesbian. But if you’re looking for a dude, find a dude who’s a total pussy. Because macho dudes won’t change diapers. And macho dudes won’t drive a minivan. And macho dudes won’t hold your purse when you go into a porta-potty.
9. Find a guy who can blow his load in less than three minutes. Because when you’re trying to get preggers again and he’s jackhammering away at you while your firstborn is body-slamming your bedroom door trying to break it down screaming, “WHY IS IT LOCKED??!!!” you just want to get shit done as fast as possible.
10. Find someone who’s gonna make you laugh. ’Cause you will never need a sense of humor more than you do once you have kids.
Here's another funny passage from Karen's book: I Want My Epidural Back: Adventures in Mediocre Parenting and soon we'll be announcing our first winner of the signed copy of her book! We apologize in advance with the formatting.
It's gonna suck. It's gonna be harder than anything you've ever done. It's gonna feel like you're doing it wrong. You're gonna fight with your husband or wife, or if you're single, you'll wish you had someone to yell at. But what they say is true. You will never love someone more than you love your child. Maybe the second she is born. Maybe six months later. But no matter how hard it is, it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO worth it.
Q. What advice do you have for the moms-to-be in our community, many of whom are pregnant and first time moms?
When I was younger, I was totally self-conscious and didn't speak my mind. Even now sometimes I put up a post on my Facebook page and I worry that other people aren't going to feel that way. But the more I write the blog, the more I realize that we all experience the same things day in day out. And that makes me way more comfortable.
Q. You are so good at telling it like it is. Did it always come easy or did it happen over time as you became more comfortable as a mom? Do you ever truly feel comfortable being a mom?
That's so funny and such an amazing story!
My first book was a labor of love. With A LOT of labor. I didn't know if I was even going to make any money for it. I ran a kickstarter project to make sure people would even want to buy it before I put the work in. People seemed enthusiastic, so I sat at Starbucks for the next few months writing writing writing. And drinking a shitload of coffee. Seriously, pre book I didn't drink coffee. Now I'm an addict. The book included some blog posts that did very well online, and a lot of new stuff no one had ever seen before. And no one read the book until it came out. No one. Not even an editor. Which is why it had a lot of spelling mistakes. Like I spelled flatulence wrong (hangs head in shame).
Q. Tell us about the process of writing your first book, how you got started and about your kickstarter campaign.
There's really no secret to it. I write a lot. I talk to people. I love my readers ridiculous amounts. And I think a lot of them love me back. I hope. Oh shit, I hope they do. But in all seriousness, it's an awesome community and I kind of think we're friends.
Q. You have an amazing amount of fans, especially on your Facebook page: ссылка Moms, if you follow Karen in the app, you'll see her Facebook feed. Her profile is @bsblogger. Please tell us how you built up your audience.
Well, since I had two c-sections, I had to get the drugs. And I could probably still use them when it comes to reading some of the comments on my page. Luckily I was in advertising for 15 years and developed a thick thick skin. Wine is basically my epidural after the epidural wore off.
Q. Have you received any criticism about your book, the way you talk about motherhood and having the epidural? One mom in the app wants to know if you really want the epidural back?
Q. The book looks so funny. It's definitely what most moms think about parenting but may be afraid to say outloud.
Q. What is your motivation in writing your most recent book, I Want My Epidural Back: Adventures in Mediocre Parenting?
Shhhh, don't tell anyone this, but I LOVED being preggers. It was an excuse to sit on the couch and eat whatever the F I want. But if it makes you feel any better, my deliveries sucked ass. Two c-sections and I had placenta accreta with Zoey and had to be knocked out in the middle of a scary two-hour c-section. But all's well that ends well. Let's hope it ends well.
Q. Many women in our app are pregnant. How was your pregnancy? Do you have any tips for moms going through a not so fun pregnancy?
I don't think I thought too much about it. I guess I always knew I'd probably sleep less, but that was about the extent of my knowledge. In other words, I had no idea I was about to be F'ed.
Q. What was your view on children and motherhood before you had children? Did you have a more Pinterest view? What changed it?
Thank you! I never really planned on doing this blogging thing full time. I just started a Mommy blog like everyone else. I was like, I can't be the ONLY mom who doesn't have a blog. And then I just wrote it honestly. After all, the bad shit is way more entertaining than the boring happy moments.
Q. Karen your humor is so awesome! You worked in advertising for many years. Please tell us how you made the leap to blogging and becoming an open book on all things parenting?
If you haven't had a chance to pick up Karen's latest book, I Want My Epidural Back: Adventures in Mediocre Parenting, here's a short passage that we think everyone here can relate to!
Before I became a mom, I used to hear people say that having a kid is hard. I was always like, no shit, Sherlock, you’re pushing an eight-pound bowling ball out something that’s the size of a donut hole. And FYI, I mean the actual hole in the middle of a donut, not the delicious holes of awesomeness that are really donut balls and have no calories because they’re so small and easy to pop in your mouth until suddenly you’ve eaten forty of them and you have a massive food baby. But I digress. Shit, I totally want a donut. Anyways, now that I’m a mom, I know the hardest part isn’t about getting something giant through your hooha. It’s about having a real live child—a one-year-old, a two-year-old, a three-year-old, a four-year-old, etc., etc., etc.
Because there might be a class that teaches you how to push and breathe and do all kinds of stuff that will help you deal with the fact that Satan is squeezing your uterus to death every four minutes, but there is NOTHING to prepare you for the pain of what comes after the doctor rips that epidural out of you.
I can't wait to read these books!!! Hilarious!