Two years ago I had a miscarriage. This life-threatening, heart cracking experience eclipsed…
Two years ago I had a miscarriage. This life-threatening, heart cracking experience eclipsed everything that had come before. It was a foggy mid-October afternoon muddled by spots of bewildering blood and foreboding cramping. I was in labor, at home, alone. But how was I to know this when just hours earlier we had seen a strong heartbeat, and all had looked peaceful in utero?
I attempted to take things slowly but still “go about my day” as my obstetrician recommended, but I abruptly felt overcome by terrorizing anxiety. My palms became sweaty, my heart raced expeditiously and I was petrified that I might be milliseconds away from losing consciousness. Somehow, I made my way to the bathroom. I thought if I could simply empty my bladder, calm my breath and apply a cold compress to my face, I would resume normalcy.
I heard a pop. Or did I? I don’t know anymore.😕
As I started to urinate something else happened. Something even now I have trouble writing about without feeling an urge, almost a compulsion, to scream aloud with sheer horror. My baby slid out. She dangled from me mere centimeters from the toilet-bowl water. My window-clad house should have shattered from the pitch of my prolonged primordial howl. It didn’t. I did.
I was 16 weeks pregnant.
I fervently called my doctor and texted my closest friends and family “I HAD A MISCARRIAGE” in an effort to galvanize physical and emotional wherewithal. Somehow I had the presence of mind to know that if I didn’t, not only would my daughter die today, so could I.
I cut the umbilical cord, and immediately began to bleed. No longer part of a symbiotic union, dizzy with despair and confusion over this separation, I found a way to stay the course on the practical matters of caring for myself. My doctor talked me through what to do, stressing the need to get to her office, and quickly, with my baby in a plastic bag to send to the lab for testing.
My husband came for me immediately. I straddled a pile of towels, still hemorrhaging, as we numbly sped to her office, mute. There was no time for anesthesia and the only way to make the bleeding stop was to extract the placenta. So, there I lay, feeling the D and C machine tug out the remainder of my pregnancy. After a few inhales of smelling salts, and with nothing but some snapshots of the fetus, we returned home.
Rarely do I ruminate, but sometimes — especially around the anniversary of my loss, as my grief swirls — I wonder if she felt anything. I wonder what happened to her. Did her heart stop beating before or after she fell from my body? I like to think, though I know this is pure conjecture, that this miscarriage, though tragic, ultimately allowed me to bypass the decision I would have faced if we had learned about her chromosomal abnormality after the scheduled amniocentesis a couple of weeks later. The choice was not mine.
How do we honor our losses, and the fact that life doesn’t always make much sense?
We shouldn’t feel ashamed of our traumas, nor should we hide the consequent grief. It’s not that I necessarily feel proud of having a miscarriage, but I do feel compelled to question why it seems as if we rarely talk about pregnancy loss, though the statistics are staggering. Is it resounding cultural shame? Speckles of self-blame? Steadfast stigma? The notion that talking about “unpleasant” things is a no-no? It’s a hard topic. But if every woman who has lost a pregnancy to miscarriage or stillbirth told her story, we might at least feel less alone.
Have you experienced a miscarriage before? Please share your story or your fears in the comments below❤️
Taminah·
Мама троих детей, ждёт четвёртого
I had a miscarriage I'm 2013. Tuesday morning went for a wee. came back in my bed. coughed an I just bled out an my husband rushed me to hospital. only a week before I had a 12 week scan an they said the fetus had not grown. was just a black blob. said will end in a miscarriage and if I want tablets to bleed out or wait naturally. I wanted to wait naturally as I couldn't believe it or didn't want to believe it or maybe I got dates wrong.
Catherine·
В ожидании первенца
I had a miscarriage back in 2015... I went to the toilet and there was a tiny bit of blood I knew something was wrong. I went to the hospital on the Saturday and was told it was a UTI, the bleeding only got worse so I went on the sunday to be told baby was fine there was a heartbeat, bleeding got worse I went Monday and Tuesday again to be told their was a heartbeat... I decided to go and see my mother who's a nurse 100 miles away.. turned up at her house and passed out in pain, I was rushed into my local A&E department where I had a massive bleed and had to have a blood transfusion my partner was told to say goodbye as they didn't think I'd pull through the horror.... thankfully an amazing team of doctors and nurses saved me... the hospital in Nottingham I'll never ever ever forgive.
Jodie·
I had a miscarrage last October, was sat watching a film with my husband on a Saturday evening and went to use the loo, noticed a small amount of blood, rang the local 111 service and the Dr said that as long as I wasn't bleeding heavily or in any pain then l wasn't to worry. the bleeding continued over night and the following day, when I decided to ring back the Drs as it was getting heavier, they booked me into have a scan on the Monday, where we find out I'd miscarried at 5weeks into the pregnancy but we were supposed to be 10weeks. I never thought I'd get through all the crying and the pain, I'm now almost 16weeks pregnant and I'm trying my hardest not to worry
Karen Bailey·
Мама двоих (младенец)
i had 2 miscarriages last year before falling pregnant with my son, who is currently 4 weeks old and snoozing happily on my chest. the first miscarriage was in the may and i was 5 and half weeks so we had not long found out. we went from joy and elation to despair and greiving in less than a week. the second was a couple of months later as we had decided not to wait and i was 7 and a half weeks so had stupidly started to hope that this one would be ok, but sadly no. we decided to stop trying for a while and go on holiday just to clear our heads and be together. so we left ttc for just over a month until we were on holiday. but instead of actually trying we decided just to have fun and not prevent pregnancy and the result is the beautiful child currently sleeping on my chest. ill never forget those 2 babies i lost or the pain we went through but they have both made Jacob all the more precious to us
tresea·
Мама дочки (1 год), беременна (30 нед.)
I had 2 miscarriages my first was nearly 2 years ago now had some light period like cramps went to the toilet and saw some brown blood rang the midwife she told me there was nothing she could do and told me to ring the doctors so I did and was put on a waiting list for a doctor to call back and hour later with no call from the doctor the bleeding got worse a lot worse so I called back and explained what was happening and was told the doctor would get right back to me another 20 minutes with still no call from the doctor I decided to call an ambulance and was tool to a&e still bleeding heavily and having cramps and got put to weight in a side room for hours without seeing anyone then finally had some blood tests and a scan where I saw my baby still had a heart beat and they told me I was around 7 weeks and sent me home a week later and I was still bleeding so I decided to make another appointment and had another scan and I just new what was going to happen so I couldn't look at the screen at all until the sonographer looked at me and said there's your baby so I looked thinking everything was ok and he said but I'm sorry there's no hart beat I honestly felt like hitting him why couldn't he have started with that instead of getting my hopes up then they take me into a room to tell me my opinions so I say I just want to go home so we do and a week later I start losing a lot of blood and clots and have to rush back to Hostpital where they make me weight in a waiting room full of ppl and running back and forth to the toilet because I'm losing that much so my Mam gos to complain to the redemption and she's told to sit and wait our turn finally they put us in a side room for hours with out seeing anyone agen and finally I get took for another scan the women says it's nearly out so she dose and examination and tells me to cough and that she was going to take it out there and then in a little side room so she dose and raps it in a bit of tissue and asks if I want to see it and to this day I regret saying no but I just felt like if I did I wouldn't be able to keep it together and that was it she walked out and my baby was gone they wanted me to stay in because of all the blood loss but I couldn't so I sine my self out and that was that then 3 months later I'm pregnant agen and same thing I go to the toilet and see blood I felt like my world was falling apart agen so call the hospital this time and they book me a scan for the next day and tell me that I was expecting twins but one of them didn't have a hart beat this time a lot less dramatic as last time I'm just took to a room agen where they tell me to watch out for clots and heavy bleeding because both babys may come out if I start contracting thank god that didn't happen I bleed for 6 weeks straight but thank god the other baby was fine and I now have a beautiful daughter I thank god every day for and am pregnant agen with a little boy sorry for the very long post it's the first time iv really been over it all and didn't think I would get so emotional Writhing it all down but I really think it's helped Ino I wasn't every far at 7 and half weeks and 8 weeks but i can honestly say it ripped me apart to go through that and it's something I still can't talk about with out getting upset xx
rose·
Мама двоих (младенец)
I had two devastating and shocking miscarriages history that left me numb and absolutely empty. First miscarriage on 26th Jan at week 9 ,started with brownish spotting and slight cramps and within one day , bleeding went worse. I rushed to doc and was told the baby is measuring only 6 weeks with no heart beat. I was torn apart by the tragic new hit me hard. It was a cold foggy day that congealed my blood and numbed all my senses. I was given some medicine to expel the baby. So it happened next day followed by heavy bleeding and that was the end of first story. I fell pregnant again in April and mustered up my lost hopes n courage this Time and started thinking optimistically. However ugly fate was laughing at me again n I could not get the clue. Same happened on 24th may at week 9 with brownish spotting. I called a/e and was told I need not to worry unless I use a pad after every thirty minutes. I tried to be calm as much as I could but there was a lurking fear behind all the staggering hopes. Next day dawned with a shattering shock. I was on work and began feeling terrible. My heart pounding and body sweating with overpowering dizziness. To cut the story short ambulance was called and I was taken ill. The bleeding went heavier in hospital and I lost the baby in hospital toilet and disposed that in bin. By doing this I felt something broke me into pieces and all my senses went frozen. I was booked for a scan the next day. And despite of losing baby I still hoped to see it on monitor that made the things terrible. I got back with a heavy heart and deserted womb. Never in my life I felt that much grieved as I do now. The loneliness always come with the thought of babies happily playing in heaven. It's very hard to hold my tears when the same dates pass every month. I was supposed to get baby in this August and then in December but this is a fated year for me really.
Mio·
Мама дочки-младенца
I had 3 early miscarriages. One being 12 weeks and just 3 weeks ago I gave birth to a stillborn baby girl. My world has been upside down since. I still feel so terrible. She's now sleeping in her little basket in my house and she'll spend time with me for a few days before her funeral. After 24 hours of labour, I managed to give birth to her naturally and even though I'm proud I've done that, I'm not proud of myself for losing my child. A big chunk of me went with her when she left me. She's the love of my life; I fell in love with her deeply when I first saw her.