Do you have a minute? I need to ask some questions and tell a story and I would love for you to listen. This may be long but please take your time to listen to me and my life story and let everything sink in then give me some tips if you can. Let's start off by saying Hi! I'm Brittany, I'm a 24 year old (turning 25 July 30th) I am 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my first child (I will be having him on July 18th maybe 19th depending on how long I'm in labor after being induced). I have a fiancée named Matthew, who is currently going through a divorce from his ex wife of 7 years who not because he says she is crazy but I have personally seen it myself crazy. He has a 7 year old who is turning 8 on July the 15th. Now that we have all the basics out of the way. Let me tell you about me. I was born to a single mother, my "father" had two other boys by a stripper before getting my mother pregnant, once he found out I was a girl he wanted her to abort me. Obviously she refused to abort me, so my "father" left and to this day I have never seen him, talked to him, or anything. Well my mom dated a lot of guys after my dad left. A lot of them abused me as a small child. One of them raped me when I was 5 while my mom worked 3rd shift and he lived in our house and she trusted him to watch over me and his own son that lived there. She left him and started dating another guy and he was ok for awhile and then when it came time for me to read a book or write my ABC's and I struggled with it, he would get a belt and beat me for every word I struggled with or if I went slow saying the alphabet because I was so nervous he was going to hit me If I missed a letter. That went on for a year or two. Let's fast forward now. I tried when I was 18 to google him (my dad) and I found his moms phone number. I called and left her a message and she called back telling me that my father doesn't want anything to do with me and he doesn't have money to offer me...... But..... I don't want his money I told her. I want to know who I look more like, do I look more like my mom? Do I look more like my dad? I want to know about his traits and personality. Well.... She relaid the message to him but now 6 years later I still have not heard anything from him. I did how ever get to meet my two half siblings Chris and Justin after Justin searched for me on Facebook and found me. Meeting Justin was a little awkward. I met him and his wife and daughter at monkey joes so my Niece could play. It was short to the point questions, an that was it. I left and we had exchanged numbers and we would text. The second time I met my brother Justin I went to his house with my fiancée for my nieces birthday party. There I would meet my brother Chris. Who was only a few years older than me. Maybe 7 years older than me and he talks to me. Hugs me. Gets to know me etc. So staying at my nieces birthday party for awhile I have now learned Chris is a alcoholic. Which I should have known based off the fact he is in his early 30s looking like he is in his late 40s. Needless to say he starts getting rough and loud with everyone. He makes a comment to my other brother Justin, have you ever thought about what it would be like to fuck your sister? An about that time my brother Justin comes into the kitchen and tells me that me and my fiancée need to leave and leave now. I didn't know why at the time but we was like ok? An left. The next day he text me and tells me why he wanted to leave. So after that incident I have never seen my brother Chris again. My brother Justin doesn't invite my brother Chris over when I come over. With all this being said, I don't know how to feel about myself anymore. I am a insecure person who has pushed away guys before Matt because I thought that I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't skinny enough, I would get jealous of their female friends etc. I never did good in high school, I couldn't concentrate, I was in EC classes all through elementary, middle school, and high school. An even though I was in those classes things still didn't register to me, I looked at a book and my mind went off to La la land. I would sit in a class room and stare at the teacher like I knew what he was talking about but I was in my own little world. I graduated with a 1.8 GPA average. I never went to college, I have had mostly restaurant jobs, working in sales like sprint, etc. I currently work at a body shop as a parts manager making $16.25 a hour but I'm not motivated. I rather sit there and Google things rather than go help the detailer wash a car, or take out the trash for the body people. I do what I need to, to get my work done. I just don't go above and beyond for my company. My work ethic has always sucked. Yeah I would make D's and F's growing up in school, my mom would make me write sentences, ground me from the tv wouldn't let me go outside with my friends etc, but that didn't HELP me mentally. Yes I did chores, I cleaned my room, I washed dishes and kept the house clean and that is the only thing I feel like I am good at is being a house wife. I'm not good at being a provider. My mom never had to tell me to wash the dishes or take the dog out or clean my room, vaccum the living room. I automatically did it because I enjoyed it. But cleaning up after grown men at work who don't say thank you or even be nice to me I don't do even though it's part of my job, and I can't explain why I mentally just shut down and don't want to do it. I just don't. An I won't do it unless someone tells me to. I am currently trying to find a customer care job to do from home on my computer so I can be able to keep up the house and work and maybe that will motivate me more to be a provider if I can be in my own environment. It just makes me nervous because what if I get distracted like in school or at work? It's not like in school I didn't want to learn because I was so eager to be something when I grew up. I just literally could not mentally force myself to do it. I would try so hard to concentrate that I would cry because I just ended up pretending like I knew what my teachers was showing me or telling me. Hell it has taken a year for me to learn my current job and the work it takes to do invoices, and parts exchange and what needs to be put as negative and where to find the page to print off a return slip and calling insurance companies for go aheads on certain parts. I am petrified to how my child will turn out. I don't want him to be stupid like me, I want him to be motivated to make straight A's to get a scholarship and go to college and make something of himself. I wonder if I am going to raise him correctly. Because I'm not sure where my mom went wrong with me. She did all the punishing, she got tutors, she put me on aderall, conserta, anything for ADHD. I was in study groups, I met with various doctors, specialist etc. It's not like my mom didn't try. I don't know if my rough childhood just shut things off in my head or made me block things I just hope my child isn't like me. I am of course common sense smart, I can tell you loads of random medical facts, I have my favorite subjects of life I love. My child's daddy is the sweetest man you will ever find. He was in the marines for 4 years his ex wife forced him to get out of the military or she would leave him and take his son. He didn't go to college after graduating. He had his son when he was 21, he has mostly jumped from job to job as well trying to keep food on the table because she didn't and refused to work. An now we are together and he has done well for himself buying a new car (his old car didn't have air conditioning and was a 91 Honda Civic rust bucket) he got a job at a warehouse and became the warehouse manager, he just accepted a second job yesterday to be a body transporter for a funeral home, he got FASFA accepted for financial aid not to long ago to go to college to be a mortician this coming fall. He is really trying for our family. He doesn't argue with me and I of course don't like arguing with him. He is loyal and honest and try's to take care of me the best he can while I'm sick. He is my best friend. I just hope my son grows up to be like his daddy rather than be like me. I'm so scared he will have my mental disabilities.