RANT I currently have 0 body positivity. I have been overweight pretty much since I was 7 years old.…

RANT

I currently have 0 body positivity. I have been overweight pretty much since I was 7 years old. but for the most part I was just chubby up until I was about 17 and I got up in the 200lb range. I lost a lot of weight my senior year in high school but not for good reasons. I am going to say why but I want to say ahead of time that I'm not proud of it.

I was failing pretty much everything when I got to the end of the first semester of senior year. a friend of mine gave me a bottle of almost 200 vivance (stimulant adhd medicine similar to adderal or Ritalin). she stole them from her younger sister who had been switched to a different med and was therefore no longer taking them. I had taken adderal before because my dad had been taking them and I liked them because they helped me focus and lose weight (by curbing my appetite to the point I didn't eat). I jumped at the chance to have that feeling of control again. but vivance aren't quite as strong as adderal. I would take up to 4 at a time. and I wasn't addicted to the point I couldn't stop if I wanted to (I eventually did stop obviously) but they helped me focus on my school work. before I was failing because I literally never did any work. not that i wasn't trying I just couldn't make myself focus. my personal mind set is an "all or nothing" mindset. meaning if I couldn't focus or manage to put forth enough effort to make it perfect I couldn't do it. I'm still that way. taking these pills gave me enough focus to do it perfect. along with super cleaning my room to the point I never lost anything at all and every single drawer was labled with very specific contents. I had been on the nutrisystem diet so when the weight started dropping off everyone was co gratulating me and asking for tips. no one knew that I was going up to 3 days at a time without eating. and in school my final report card was all a's. I dropped 40 pounds in just 3 months. it felt good. I felt like I had control of my life. but then I ran low on pills. I had 3 left by graduation which I saved for the ACT. once I started college though I had gained back most of my weight and couldn't focus anymore. ended up dropping out just 3 months in because I couldn't take the stress of not being able to focus and being nagged by teachers. but now I am even bigger that I was when I started taking the pills. since I was like 13 I've tried forcing myself into eating disorders to make he weight go away. I could never stick to it which is a good thing I guess but I'm still an obese pile of lard and with an almost 2 month old exercise is almost impossible and I'm breast feeding almost exclusively from the breast itself. I don't have time away from the baby besides sleep and my fiance won't eat healthy food. he refuses to drink anything but tea and soda and sometimes koolade. and with that stuff in the house I usually pick it over water. I can't help myself. and the only vegetables he will eat are potatoes and corn which are not good for you. I can't seem to do it with so much temptation around and so little free time.