Trigger warning. I’m just realizing how much hurt and trauma I have to navigate through and come to…

Trigger warning.

I’m just realizing how much hurt and trauma I have to navigate through and come to terms with. I’m in my 30s and just now seeing how much it’s affected me as a child/teen/adult and parent. I recently started therapy (like a month ago) and this time around it’s a totally different experience for me. I’ve always been in and out of therapy but this time I did it for me and my kids. I knew I needed it when I thought about ways to kill myself and kids. I know how horrible that sounds. I didn’t want to be here and I didn’t want them to live a life separated from each other since they don’t have the same dad and and not knowing where they would end up. I drove to the beach with my youngest and I imagined every way possible. I come from a extremely abusive childhood. From physical, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse. I started to repeat cycles of getting myself into situations with people who I knew couldn’t 100% give me the things I needed and deserved because I don’t receive love and affectionate well. When I was abused the only way to make it through was to detach myself and to not feel so now I don’t like to feel feelings. I don’t know how to feel a lot of feelings. The only love I’m comfortable and feel safe with is the love from my kids. But even that, sometimes affection from them is hard for me. Im going to admit that I’m in a situation with my daughters dad that I need to remove myself from. He isn’t stable mentally, I’m not stable mentally. The emotional abuse has taken a toll on me. As much as I love him I know I deserve a hell of a lot better. He is deploying for 6-8 months and I really hope him being gone is in my favor. I’m in therapy, just did my first work out today at the gym, I’m doing more self care and showing myself more love. I hope one day I’m able to allow someone in that I deserve and that deserves me. I hope I’m a better parent than I’ve ever had and I hope I never cause my kids the pain and trauma my parents/family caused me. I wrote this because I know theres others struggling like I am and have been. I want you to know it’s okay to leave a situation, it’s okay to admit you need help, it’s okay to admit that your past really did affect the person you are today. It’s okay to feel like your world is falling apart and the walls are crumbling down on you. It’s okay to admit you don’t have every aspect of your life together. But please whatever you do, talk to someone. Get the help you need. We deserve it. We deserve to be happy. We deserve to be at peace. 💕