(Long one)Question for you ladies as I know you guys have helped alot with this situation before. A…
(Long one)Question for you ladies as I know you guys have helped alot with this situation before.
A while back I made the decision to stop my ex having contact with violet as it wasn't fair and he admitted himself he couldn't cope with her, all has been fine since. Now yesterday he asked for some pictures, makes me think he's got a new woman on the go as this is usually the time he decides he's got 2 kids, I ignored him as I said to him a while back I wouldn't send pictures and I shut him down on all social media so he couldn't see (he would take my pictures and pretend he's dad of the year) but today he's decided to tell me he's not going to pay for violet if he's not seeing her. So my question is (finally) do I just let him pay for Noah and not violet so there isn't any arguments or do I go cms and do it that way so he has to pay.
I'd be happy for him not to pay for her as it means he really doesn't care and sets everything in stone as he hasn't tried to fight to see her, didn't get her anything for Christmas and so on, I mean if it was me I wouldn't care id be fighting but he truely doesn't care about her.
Sistersmainpiece·
He is the father to both? He sees Noah but not violet? For one he doesn’t get to decide which child he is financially responsible for. It’s his responsibility to provide for them both financially. If he isn’t doing that and if you haven’t already, get a child support order enforced. He would not be seeing one child and not the other either. Those are games I wouldn’t play nor allow. You see both or none at all. You don’t pick which child to have a relationship with.
Abbi··
Мама двоих (младенец)
@dontblockmesis-imjustspeakingfacts I've said to him he can see her when she's older because that's the only time he will want to see her when she's walking and what not. She doesn't know who he is tbh, I tried the step by step thing to create a bond and him to get used to having a baby again but he hasn't asked to physically see her just pictures 🤷♀️ I understand it's going to be hard when she's older and I have to explain all that but after so many months or pushing him to have a relationship it was hard having to keep restarting a bond because babies change so much so quick. And 2 hours a month was when he was picking Noah up and dropping him off just 30 minutes. I have a new partner and he treats the kids as if they were his own so she's got plenty of love and so has Noah.
Abbi··
Мама двоих (младенец)
@dontblockmesis-imjustspeakingfacts Think I'll go the cms route with him and see how that goes
Sam··
I would go the cms route he's father to both and has a responsibility can't just pick and choose you don't her a choice you can't just not pay for the children so why should he just do that if you know what I mean
Sara-Louise·
It's an awful situation and no right or wrong way to go forward. Either way your daughter is going to grow up hating her 'Dad' & resenting Noah's relationship with him. Whether he wants to see her or not. Once she's 'easier' or not. I'd go down the cm route & make everything official so at least you can say you tried everything to encourage him to be a parent to both his children. Regardless if he wants to or not.
Abbi··
Мама двоих (младенец)
Thanks, I think I'll definetly go to cms get the ball rolling. It's such a hard situation to be in because I have no idea what is right or wrong but just doing what is best for her right now. I worry how she will take it when she's older but no one can say I didn't try as I've kept every message possible that shows i tried to get him to have a relationship with her. In the future I hope he sees he's fucked up big time x
Tammy ·
I'd tell him to leg it if he was so arsed he would be there to see her not ask for a picture. That's a jokeeee. And one day u are gona have t explain not just to her but to both ur kids why one has special treatment n the other doesn't. I'm not having a go just so angry for you that these pricks who have no spine can just think its alright. Id definitely go the cms why not she is just important as noah is. And me personally wouldnt be letting my son go but that's just me i totally understand what ur saying I've seen this all with my mother n 4 siblings he doesn't pay a penny cos he's a slime ball who gets away with it, do you honestly think he will wana know when she's older? He seems like one them fellas if he's not with the mum then he don't wana know abit like my own waste of space of a father. go the cms xx
Abbi··
Мама двоих (младенец)
No it's okay, it's a super hard position to be in because there's no handbook on this stuff lol. I've already have Noah asking why violet can't go or is she going with as he knows that's her dad to but can't really say much as he's only small and doesnt understand. I'm not 100% but from experience with Noah he wasn't really involved much until he was on the move I kind of just did everything so this is what I'm expecting with her, and he only said he can't cope because she doesn't sleep through the night...It's a shitty excuse in my opinion because I don't have a choice. Oh 100% one of them guys I think if i didn't fully push with Noah in the beginning he would barely see him now. Think I'll definetly go cms get that ball rolling x
Dannielle Large ·
I had this with my own dad
He chose his new family over me and my brother ,we used to see him in a contact centre then at times we would stay at his in Brighton , his wife and kids hated me but loved my brother so I was told I’m not allowed to stay there again but my brother was allowed to stay with him over the holidays
Now my brother is 19 he don’t see him now where he had a girlfriend
My childhood was horrid seeing a lot of domestic violence and the police in and out
He’s ment to be paying for me and my brother but I haven’t seen any money and I’m 23
Dannielle Large ··
@abbiiqx, yeah it did I was jealous and angry like why is he going but not me ,why don’t he like or love me and all that
But now me and him are so close it’s lovely as he can just open up to me , my dad never worked so it was always taken out of his money whatever he got
He was putting £2.50 each into a account for me and my brother and ment to get that when I either turned 18 or 21
And still nothing at 23
I changed my surname as it was double barrelled so his and my mums so I took his name out as he didn’t want nothing to do with me
My mum went through court and done contact supervised visits due to domestic violence then once it got to a point where he could be trusted it was stay a night with him and that
Abbi··
Мама двоих (младенец)
thank you for sharing that with me it really helps! But I'm so glad you and your brother are close now.
That's ridiculous! Sometime you just don't know what goes through there heads.
Sorry you had to go through all that gives me alot to think about xx
Dannielle Large ··
it’s alright honestly ☺️ and more than welcome if you need any more pop me a message and I will try and help xx
Kelsey·
Мама сына (1 год)
This wont be a popular opinion 😂 but as I'm together with a man who doesnt get to see his child when he has tried everything to, I dont think it's fair for men to pay maintenance when the mother wont allow contact. It doesnt really make any sense to me, as it's like you deem the man not good enough to be a father to your child but his money is fine?
Sorry this isn't a dig at you this has always been my opinion.
But anyway I wouldn't take any money off him if it was me as he has no leg to stand on then. (I've seen your previous posts so I know a lot of the story!) But you really need to be careful with your decisions as violet is going to suffer from all this the older she gets as she will wonder why she had no relationship with him xx
Abbi··
Мама двоих (младенец)
No it's okay this is why I asked! I love the diverse answers lol. I'm happy not having the money for violet but also I'm like should I do cms because if he does decide he wants to make an effort then would he just have to start paying me again? I dunno. If he came to me with a really good thought out plan on how he was going to go moving forward with her with seeing her id allow him to see her, but I've literally had nothing radio silence and his only option to that was to stop the money, which of course makes me made because he's thinking of saving money over trying to see his daughter. I'm terrible at sticking to things and I'm way to nice so he knows if he asked enough I'd allow it. This is always a main reason I ask on a platform like this because others have been in this situation or simular so it really helps in my desicions moving forward xx
Kelsey··
Мама сына (1 год)
yeah as you should be! I never understand women that dont allow their children to see the dads (unless there is an exception like violence etc) if you've literally just decided that hes not good enough as a dad how can his money still be. I always get so much backlash on here as it's only ever the mums side which is understandable but I've seen my partner crying and in bits over not seeing his son but his money was always fine for her to take.
I always think in my head if I thought a man was so awful that I didn't want him around my child I certainly wouldn't want his money either!
I think it's completely up to you I think the better idea is to stop his money and then if somewhere later down the line you can then decide what you want to do. But I would send a message saying if you stop your money this means you will have no ties to violet what so ever, I will be solely paying and bringing her up on my own. Also keep a record of everything hes ever said about not being able to handle her so if the day comes and he takes you to court you have everything you need to back yourself xx
Abbi··
Мама двоих (младенец)
no I completely agree with you! I always take each opinion in. But you make sense, I already told him it was fine to not pay for violet yesterday and recalculated just for noah but I will make sure I do a message saying that all ties are cut if he does stop. I've kept every single message since we split because he tries to say I'm lying and tell people the opposite to what is happening, and if he does try take me to court I do have messages of him saying all of this. I do hope he decides to try see her but I'm not holding much hope for the near future nor am I forcing it as it just makes me stressed! 7 months of practically begging and these last 2ish months I've just be so content as I'm not constantly messaging him for contact. Thank you 😊 also I'm so sorry for what is happening to your partner it must be heart breaking 💕