After years of waiting, I’m basically prepared to get a dog without my husbands blessing. Dogs bring me joy and we have the means to care but he despises animals. Thoughts?

Question

Leslie Williams (alias) · Answer

Thank you all for responses. The overwhelming majority of you are in favor of waiting for his blessing. My judgement must be clouded  because I feel “justified.” I guess we’ll revisit in another year or two. 🥺🥺🥺

Cams · Answer

I’m sorry you went through all that. I can’t imagine. I want to be clear that i wasn’t judging you but sharing my personal opinion on how I would feel if I was in that position. If he won’t compromise right now, have you thought about maybe getting a job or volunteering at a shelter, or similar place where you could interact and foster relationships with animals? That in itself might help you feel bonded and work through some of your emotional trauma by helping those poor animals. It would be a beneficial relationship for both parties. It’s not necessarily what you want but working on yourself in the meantime doesn’t hurt. Just a thought. 😌

Leslie Williams (alias) · Answer

@cams, At no point did I sense any judgement in your response. You gave honest feedback based on the information given. Other ladies also suggested fostering and I’m going to present the idea to him as an alternative. Wish me luck, thanks.

Leslie Williams (alias) · Answer

@laniejay, Yes he has met with my therapist and I to discuss an ESA and he could barely articulate a reason. I suspect that he’s deathly afraid of dogs yet refuses to admit. He was bit once but he swears it’s a non factor...

Leslie Williams (alias) · Answer

@Cams, thank you for taking the time to respond. I was vague about a pivotal reason for wanting a dog but I’d like to bring attention to the “dogs bring me joy” portion of my OP.  I grew up in foster care as a ward of the state. I was abused in one form or another from the age of 4 until my emancipation. As an adult, I’ve been in therapy and have started EMDR trauma therapy in October 2017. One of the first recommendations was an emotional support dog. It has been an ongoing sore spot for the two of us. A gut punch to one party either way we spin it.

I’ve always wanted a dog but in conjunction with the recommendation of a trauma specialist perhaps my husband really should be taking a long hard look at his marriage. Not to evaluate why his wife “doesn’t give two shits” about her marriage but to self reflect on why he’s denying his life partner, the one with Avoidant Personality Disorder and PTSD the experience of what a dog provides. Maybe I should ask him your question, is a “dog worth more than your marriage?”

Smell among other responsibilities should be the least of my husbands concerns. My mental health and what is a statistically/scholarly and personally proven source of happiness should be held to a higher esteem IMHO. Attached are receipts of when I started EDMR and ongoing conversations about trauma dogs with my therapist... we keep revisiting the topic but I would like my husbands blessing.

Again, thank you for your time.

Leslie Williams (alias) · Answer

@sincerepolicy,

Allyson Almeda · Answer

I wouldn't do it... my boyfriend brought a puppy home one day when I really didn't want a dog and having her here really frustrates me daily since he's at work all day and I'm left to care for her when I didn't even want her. She stinks up the house like dog, shes 6m old and is huge, shes literally almost the size of a full grown lab but shes not even half way done growing. She's wild and hyper and I can't handle it and then my boyfriend gets pissed off at me when shes in her cage most the day, I just can't handle her with my 8m old and my 3yr old... she also tears everything up. I'm not mean to her and I try my best to care for her but I still resent her a little bit and him for getting her and making life a little more difficult

Leslie Williams (alias) · Answer

@ladyblauvelt, now that’s wrong forreal. I believe in dog training and if he knew he’s the one who wanted the dog he should be the primary caregiver.

Allyson Almeda · Answer

@sincerepolicy that's what I told him when he brought her home, I told him he was responsible for her and everything she needs and I wasn't going to do it. My little one was only 2m old at the time and I had my hands full

Cams · Answer

I mean this in the nicest way possible but why does it seem as though getting this new dog is more important than your husbands feelings? Is a dog you don’t even know worth more than your marriage?

I’m severely allergic to dogs. I also have asthma. It’s a really bad combo. My husband grew up with a dog and wants one badly. He keeps asking me to get allergy shots. I don’t want to inject myself with chemicals, etc just to what? Hate that my house smells like dogs? Clean up after an animal? Walk the dog? I don’t want ANOTHER thing to take care of besides me, 3 kids and a husband who doesn’t like to pick up after himself? I would greatly resent the animal and that’s not fair.

Finally, if my husband brought a dog home (if i wasn’t allergic) and I had repeatedly expressed that I didn’t want one, I would really be taking a long hard look at my marriage to someone who didn’t give two shits about what I wanted.

Brianna Montgomery · Answer

Don’t do it . It’ll stress him out beyond belief and the dog will sense that somethings up .

Leslie Williams (alias) · Answer

@laniejay, Would you consider 6 years of prolonging to be a compromise? (That’s my strongest argument) I’m typically prone to compromising but I’m not interested in any other pets. The fair thing would be not to act but I’d like for him to consider how much it means to me...he hasn’t. I didn’t consider how the dog would feel being resented by him only that I’d provide more than enough love and attention for the both of us. Thank you.

Lanie Jay · Answer

Propose leading up to a dog as a compromise. Like the previous commenter said- fostering is great! Or dog sitting. Etc.

IUIMom18 · Answer

Fostering is a great idea for a trial run. If your husband doesn’t want a dog it doesn’t matter how much love you can give it your husbands feeling will be felt by the dog. They are smart they know when they aren’t wanted.

Leslie Williams (alias) · Answer

@laniejay, great idea actually.

🌸GoodVibeTribe🌸 · Answer

Definitely don’t do it. The dog deserves to be loved and in a forever home, not a home he can stay for a short while before you’re forced to give him up.

🌸GoodVibeTribe🌸 · Answer

I really want a cat and could afford it but my husband hates cats so I won’t do it just to end up having to rehome the poor thing not to mention just starting a useless argument with my husband because to me that’s just not respecting him. I wouldn’t like it if he went and got himself an animal I don’t like or want around. Luckily we both want and love dogs though lol.

Leslie Williams (alias) · Answer

@girlmom., I think there’s a misunderstanding, I wouldn’t give up a dog. (Unless after training and medical evaluation, it posed a serious safety risk to self or others)

🌸GoodVibeTribe🌸 · Answer

@sincerepolicy, I’m saying if your husband is that against it, he himself could get rid of the dog. It’s his home too. I think it’s selfish to do it regardless of his feelings.

Jaime · Answer

Nope nope nope be honest with him and maybe just ask if you can foster a dog instead and try that out first (he might end up falling in love with the dog that way)

Leslie Williams (alias) · Answer

That’s a great idea.

Jaime · Answer

@sincerepolicy, you’re welcome!!! I was a foster momma for a couple years they just need to make sure your house is adequate for the dogs you’ll bring home I had 1 dog a week but it’s super hard not to fall in love with all of them

IUIMom18 · Answer

Definitely don’t you’ll just end up having to rehome the poor baby or they won’t get the love they deserve.

M H K S · Answer

No, dont do it. My parents are like this. They have dogs, he says enough, but my mom falls in love with every puppy she sees. She brings them home thinking he will get over it! Nope! Needless to say, back to the previous owner they went.

Lanie Jay · Answer

It's unfair to bring an animal into a home where it will be resented. They pick up on that. I'd find a way to compromise. Maybe start small with a hamster or Guinea. He should be on the same page though

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